Louisiana Voice

Editor’s note: The following is an actual release from a creative public information officer (or whomever) in the Walker Police Department, just a few miles down the road from my home in Denham Springs:

The Walker Police Department is asking for the public’s assistance in connection with an incident occurring Friday (May 1) in Walker. At approximately 4 p.m., Walker police were dispatched to a bank on Walker South Road (LA. 447 South) in response to a complaint of an aggressive chicken.

Although police reached the bank with(in) a couple of minutes of the call, the chicken apparently anticipated the imminent arrival of law enforcement and fled on foot from the scene.

According to the complaint, the chicken had been terrorizing bank customers all week, at both the walk-up ATM and the drive-thru. Bank officials told officers that the chicken chased customers, attempted to enter customers’ vehicles and on a number of occasions, failed to engage in proper social distancing.

Despite patrols of the area, including the kitchen of a nearby restaurant, the chicken could not be located.

Police are looking for a reddish-tan chicken, approximately 18 inches tall and 6-8 pounds in weight.

The chicken is wanted on charges of assault, attempted battery, attempted burglary, terrorizing and ignoring and order of the governor.

Given the chicken’s history of aggressive behavior, the public is urged to avoid confronting the fowl and to instead contact Walker police if seen.

And this, dear readers, is our nomination for creative story of the year.

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“Live free. By God man … stand up. If you’re frightened, on the other hand, by all means, you should be free to remain frightened. Patriots support your right to hide under a desk. With your mask on. Shivering at the very thought of standing against the oppression coming out of our Governor’s office.”

—Half-wit Clay Higgins, implying on Facebook that anyone with enough concern about the coronavirus to wear a face mask is somehow unpatriotic. [The most charitable thing that be can be said about this failed lawman (resigned once under pressure, fired from another post and just plain lied during the Michael Cohen hearings about the “thousands” of arrests he had made), child-support-avoiding deadbeat dad is that he is several croutons shy of a salad. This court jester actually thinks he can set the parameters that define patriotism in much the same manner as the Alabama preacher who several years ago compiled a list of those in his county who were going to go to heaven and those who were fated for the fires of hell. Folks, that kind of thinking, while somewhat amusing insofar as the minister’s righteous presuppositions, is not only demented, but dangerous when originating in the clearly disturbed mind an elected official. With Higgins, we have time-release stupidity: never in one dramatic dosage but in a steady, uniform flow.]

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“There’s not too many states that I know of that are going up. Almost everybody is headed in the right direction.”

—Donald Trump, during a Fox News town hall on Sunday.

“In reality, new coronavirus cases are increasing in about a third of states, compared with just a few where there has been a sustained decline. A plurality of states are hovering around the same level, with neither a significant uptick nor decrease in daily cases.”

—The Washington Post, on Tuesday, May 5.

“I’d point you back to his long-running mantra of ‘leave no vacancy behind.’”

—Mitch McConnell spokesman David Popp, on Monday, May 4, on McConnell’s requesting that Republican-appointed federal judges nearing retirement step down now so that their successors may be nominated by Trump. [Could it be that McConnell sees the handwriting on the wall that tells him Trump’s days as president and the Republicans’ days as the Senate’s majority party are numbered? Otherwise, why the sudden urgency?]

“The American people may well elect a president who decides to nominate Judge Garland for Senate consideration.  The next president may also nominate someone very different. Either way, our view is this: Give the people a voice.”

—Mitch McConnell, on his reasons for blocking Barack Obama’s U.S. Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland in 2016 on the shaky grounds that he didn’t want to confirm an appointment during an election year. [What was that again about Moscow Mitch’s “long-running mantra”?]

“Oh, we’d fill it.”

—McConnell, in a speech to the Paducah, Kentucky, Chamber of Commerce in May 2019, on what would happen if a Supreme Court seat became open in 2020. [No doubt if the roles were reversed, the Democrats would likely resort to the same tactics, which raises this very serious question: How can we trust anything our elected representatives tell us if they can so expeditiously and effortlessly shed their ethics and change the rules for no reason other than self-preservation and self-enrichment? At what point will we decide we no longer wish to be pawns in a giant chess game played by powerful people who don’t give a damn about us?]

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“You attacked George W. Bush for simply sending out a unifying message, to give Americans hope. He said positive things about Americans. He said positive things about health care workers. He said positive things about this country. He said, ‘We choose to rise.’ Even that offended you.

“Mr. President, I ask that you get checked out. I ask that you take a rest. I ask that you take care of yourself. Maybe let Mike Pence run things for the next week. You’re not well. Let Mike Pence work with Dr. Fauci, work with Dr. Birx.

“Mr. President, you’re getting worse every day. You need to take a rest. You need to let Mike Pence actually run things for the next couple of weeks. Come back when you’re feeling a little better and when you can really actually focus on your job. You just can’t do that right now.

“Americans are dying every day because of it.”

—Morning Joe co-host Joe Scarborough, Monday, May 4.

“Concast should open up a long overdue Florida Cold Case against Psycho Joe Scarborough. I know him and Crazy Mika well, used them beautifully in the last Election, dumped them nicely, and will state on the record that he is ‘nuts.’. Besides, bad ratings!”

—Totally predictable reaction by Donald Trump to any hint of criticism, Monday, May 4. [And, of course, everything to Trump is about ratings. That, apparently, is the sum total of his knowledge—and concern—about this county and its citizens. And yes, Trump does use people and dump them when they’re no longer of use to him: a classic character trait of the narcissistic personality.]

“They always said, Lincoln, nobody had got treated worse than Lincoln. I believe I am treated worse.”

—The arrogant, self-pitying, narcissistic s.o.b. Trump, in virtual “town hall” meeting Monday.

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[Editor’s note: I had outpatient back surgery Friday and didn’t get to post any quotables so I’m making up for it today.]

“Louisiana lawmakers remotely VOTED BY MAIL to roll back an expansion of VOTE BY MAIL by voters.”

—Tweet by Jennifer Walsath Harris. [No double standard there. Can you say irony?]

“At what point can we call the armed, non-PPE-wearing ‘protesters’ that stormed the Michigan Capitol terrorists?”

—Tweet by Michael Brazell.

“Signs and banners are banned from the building to prevent potential damage to the architecture, but guns are allowed in the Michigan statehouse. And that, my friends, is the lunacy of America’s gun laws in a nutshell.”

—Tweet by Shannon Watts.

“How have we gotten to this? The majority of Americans want better background checks, gun safety. But we are allowing these kind(s) of weapons into our legislative chambers?”

—Tweet by former U.S. Sen. Claire McCaskill of Missouri.

“I remember when unarmed, peaceful demonstrators in Wisconsin were arrested for singing. Not to mention Jane Fonda being arrested every Friday. But aggressive white men armed to the teeth, forcing their way into the capitol and threatening the governor, no problem.”

—Tweet by Gary Andover. [The mere mention of Jane Fonda here is certain to bring out the vitriol but the accuracy of this tweet stands.]

“Just wondering how this would have played out if a group of Muslim protesters armed with guns had stormed into a US legislature.”

—Tweet by Anton Enus. [Again, the word Muslim will serve as a dog whistle for the fringe wingnuts.]

“If these a**holes with weapons in Michigan want to prove how tough they are. Put down you damn toys, gear up, and go to the hospitals to help people. That’s bravery. These are chicken s**ts with guns.”

—Tweet by American Veteran. [Now that’s the true American spirit—words worth remembering.]

“Imagine a mob of black men with guns storming Michigan’s state capitol or BLOCKING THE ENTRANCE, as happened this week.”

—Susie Madrak, political writer.

“Now, do you think African Americans, Latinos or anyone who had a deep spray-on tan could have made it this far inside alive while armed like this?”

—Tweet by Rootwoman.

“The Governor of Michigan should give a little, and put out the fire. These are very good people.”

—Donald Trump tweet, May 1, 2020. [Yep. And those white nationalists down at Charlottesville in 2017 were also “very fine people,” remember?]

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