Those who have experienced near-death experiences have described rising above operating room tables and observing doctors and nurses as they worked on their physical bodies.
If true, they’re truly inspiring stories and it’s a pity legislators and members of Congress can’t rise above chamber floors and actually watch themselves make utter fools of themselves as they pass yet another asinine law or resolution as a kneejerk reaction to some perceived crisis.
Take efforts being led by House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-Louisiana) to amend the National Voter Registration Act of 1993 to require proof of CITIZENSHIP as a qualification to vote in federal elections.
The only problem with that is ALREADY A LAW – and has been for some time now. But hey, a little grandstanding never hurts. Even passing redundant laws can be an effective dog whistle for a targeted constituency.
As of late, we’ve had a lot of hoopla over the content of publications offered by public libraries – and the controversy is far from settled as more and more, certain elements exhibit a dogged determination to dictate tastes and morals – and yes, even history itself – to the rest of society.
The latest infringement on the populace is the Louisiana Legislature’s passage of do-gooder Rep. Dodie Horton’s (R-Haughton) H.B. 122, more commonly known (thanks to Ronda Santis) as the “Don’t Say Gay” bill.
Her bill follows by a couple of years an interesting legislative effort to limit the teaching in public schools to only the positive aspects of AMERICAN HISTORY, including, of course, the absurd claim that SLAVERY was actually a good thing in that it taught slaves a trade.
Such is the ambition of Republicans to seize total control of every aspect of our daily lives that they’re even pushing S.B 313 by Sen. Rick Edmunds (R-Baton Rouge) that would funnel TAXPAYER MONEY into private schools.
By accepting state money, of course, all schools, public and private, would be required to post copies of the TEN COMMANDMENTS in every classroom as per yet another unthinking law just passed, courtesy of…Dodie Horton.
Republicans on both the state and federal level have already climbed into every woman’s uterus and now, having taken control of the bedroom, they want to expand to the CLASSROOM. Keep in mind, this is the party that insists that it wants LESS GOVERNMENT INTRUSION in our daily lives.
These examples only scratch the surface of the mindset of lawmakers as they fall all over themselves in a mad rush to enact the latest designer law intended to adhere to some vague, inane political agenda.
It got so out of hand that the Arizona Supreme Court recently fell back on an archaic 19th century law that was still on the books to render a judicial OPINION upholding a near total abortion ban.
If we’re going to play that game, here are a few laws that are still on the books in various states that make it illegal to:
- give obedience training to your dog in Hartford, Conn.
- push a moose out of an airplane in Alaska.
- give a lighted cigar to your pet in Illinois.
- shine your shoes after 1 p.m. on Sunday in New York.
- have a sheep in the cab of your truck without s chaperone in Montana (which, of course, makes all manner of bestiality jokes fair game).
- make an ugly face at a dog in Oklahoma.
- eat fried chicken by any means than with your hands in Georgia.
- tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp in Georgia.
- tie a crocodile or alligator to a fire hydrant in both Alabama and Michigan.
- eat ice cream at a counter on Sunday in Winona Lake, Wisc.
- order a slice of cherry pie a la mode in Kansas on Sunday.
- eat a frog in California if it died during a frog-jumping competition.
- eat an orange while taking a bath in California.
- drive while blindfolded in Alabama.
- pretend to be a religious figure in Alabama (which conceivably could adversely affect a lot of evangelicals).
- wear a bulletproof vest while committing a crime in New Jersey (talk about redundancy!).
- talk to students in Tennessee about hand-holding (“Don’t Say Gay” must surely be etched in stone there).
- Erect billboards in Hawaii (now that law makes sense).
- throw urine out of your car in Oregon (another law that makes perfect sense, but you have to wonder what necessitated such a law).
- allow your donkey to sleep in your bathtub after 7 p.m. in Arizona.
- live on a boat for more than 90 days in Georgia (that’d never work in South Louisiana).
- for unmarried couples to live together in West Virginia (but it’s still legal for 12-year-olds there to marry).
- Restaurant wait staff in Utah are required to stand by your table and observe as you consume any alcoholic beverage you may have ordered.
- to fall asleep under a hair dryer in a salon.
- sky-dive on Sundays if you are a single woman in Florida (or course, Rhonda Santis would probably have no problem with either of these).
- wear patent leather shoes in public in Cleveland, Ohio, if you are a woman (because shiny footwear could inadvertently give some man a quick peep show).
- adjust your stockings in public, subject to up to 12 months in the state penitentiary, if you are a woman in Dennison, Texas, or Bristo, Tenn.
- eat raw onions after 6 p.m. for women in Nacodoches, Texas.
- drive a car while wearing a housecoat if you’re a woman in California.
- wear false teeth in Vermont, if you’re a woman, without first obtaining your husband’s permission.
FEDERAL LAWS are little better. Here are a few that can land you in federal court:
- Using a falconry bird in a movie that’s not about falconry;
- Selling runny ketchup (anyone checked out Mar-a-Lago for this?);
- Leaving the country with too many nickels in your pocket (uh… how many is too many?);
- Selling wine with a label that insults the competition;
- Writing checks for less than $1;
- Making “unreasonable” gestures to passing horses;
- Selling oversized or undersized noodles;
- Making it rain with lasers without first informing the government;
- Selling Swiss cheese without holes;
- Having “disruptively” bad hygiene in the Library of Congress;
Go HERE to take a look at additional stupid laws each state still has on the books.
Think such laws only exist in other states? Think again. Here are from Louisiana laws that are still hanging around on the books:
- Goatees are illegal unless you first pay a special licensing fee.
- Biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault,” while biting them with your false teeth constitutes “aggravated assault.”
- Don’t get caught gargling in public (not sure what the penalty is, but don’t get caught).
- In Lafayette, it’s illegal to play a musical instrument without a license in order to gain attention.
- Mourners at a wake are limited to three sandwiches.
- In New Orleans, you’re in violation of the law if you tie your alligator to a fire hydrant (was this ever a problem?).
- For some unknown reason, it’s illegal to send food to an “unwitting participant” (Who know there were “unwitting participants” in eating good food in Louisiana?)
- Snakes are not allowed near a Mardi Gras parade.
- Women, it’s illegal to drive a car unless your husband is waving a flag in front of it (no word on unmarried women driving a car).
Louisiana’s latest addition to this list of absurdities? How about mandating the posting of a single version of the Ten Commandments (to the exclusion of at least four others) and our very own “Don’t Say Gay” law?
All of which goes to underscore a rather depressing point: legislators and members of Congress are never so bored that they can’t dream up some useless bit of legislation to throw up against the wall to see if it’ll stick. It’s kinda their way of entertaining themselves between making those pesky but oh-so-necessary telephone calls to solicit campaign donations.
Louisiana Voice 
OMgosh! Tom, I am so grateful for your publication of diverse laws on the books in various places. You have saved me and possibly several family members from dire consequences. We will soon travel to Nacogdoches, TX for a family event and will spend a few days there. I will spread the word to my female relatives that we women are prohibited from eating raw onions after 6 p.m. in Nacogdoches. With the current status of women in Texas being relegated to something less than human, I can only imagine what the penalty would be if we were to be caught. Probably life in a dungeon (cutting up onions for da menfolk). Thanks for the heads-up. If we have to live in the stone age, I’d rather be in Louisiana. The food is ever so much better.
Click this link to see additional onion regs, thanks to Texas A&M. For real. Onion Laws (tamu.edu)
PS: who thinks up this sh*t? And who goes along and votes for it all? Un-bee-lee-vable.
Not so very long ago “Republican” voters claimed ideological superiority over liberalism. They said they believed government worked best at its most local level, that they were opposed to government intrusion in our everyday lives, that redundancy was a key component of “big government.” They railed endlessly about how the Democrats “bought” votes with the way they used government, both agencies and legislation. But that was before the Republican party died, killed off by fifty million fascists hiding out among the handful of true conservatives. The fascists never believed in any of that conservative ideology horse hockey. None of them were helped by tax cuts for the wealthy. It was just something to say so they didn’t have to say what they really believed in – that they are entitled to wallow in their prejudices and that the Constitution and the Law can only be interpreted in support of their entitlement regardless of illogic, unreason, inequality, or contradiction. All their so-called principles were phony then and they’re phony now. But 2024 is upon us. The moral right to govern is hanging by a thread. Admittedly the Democrats are not ideal saviors. But they are the only ones who can. The late Republican party might have made a claim, but the fascist “Republican” mob – sold out to Trump’s lies – has never had, nor ever will have, the right.