Sometimes a writer gets a story dropped into his/her lap that is like manna from heaven. Oftentimes, they tend to write themselves.
Such is the 2021 CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL ACTION CONFERENCE (CPAC) that is off and running in Orlando, that oh-so-appropriate selection, being, as it is, the home of Mickey Mouse and Goofy.
There are so many stories tied to this collection of cretins, this assemblage of airheads, this meeting of muttonheads that literally drip with irony, contradiction and delusion that it’s difficult to know which angle to pursue first.
After some consideration, I’ve decided to violate the first principle of journalism by saving the best for last – that being the not-so-subtle flaunting of the Golden Idol by the party that seeks, yea thrives, off the unqualified adoration of the evangelical Christians.
Spoiler alert: for reasons yet to fully explained, there are several notable speakers not on the program this year. No Sidney Powell (go figure). No John N. Kennedy (how could they overlook a cartoon character for an event staged at the cartoon capital of the universe?). No Rudy Giuliani (ditto). No Marjorie Taylor Greene (thank God). No Bobby Jindal (likewise). No Clay Higgins (what can I say?). No Nikki Haley (rumor is she and Trump broke up). No Rush Limbaugh (like Elvis, he’s left the building). No Jeff Landry (Aww).
But there are plenty of other interesting speakers. Let’s examine a few:
South Dakota Gov. KRISTI NOEM gained her 15 minutes of fame by refusing to mandate safety precautions in the name of personal freedom. The result of her experiment in herd immunity was that 40 percent of the state’s population became infected with the coronavirus. The rate of infection was even higher on the Native American reservations. She explained that her inaction allowed families to “keep putting food on the table.” Not said was that it also allowed the state’s residents to keep burying family members. She won’t be passing out face masks at the CPAC event.
Former Florida Attorney General PAM BONDI who in 2008 initiated an investigation of Trump University only to have Trump make a most generous, albeit illegal $25,000 CONTRIBUTION to her reelection campaign. Her aggressive “investigation” was abruptly dropped and Bondi was rumored to be in line for a job in the Trump White House. Trump subsequently went on to reach a $25 million settlement with students he had defrauded at his “university.” Don’t expect Bondi to recap her exhaustive investigation of Trump in her CPAC address.
Alabama U.S. Rep. MO BROOKS, who once said of Trump he could never endorse a “serial adulterer,” but who ended up addressing the mob on Jan. 6, URGING THEM to “start taking down names and kicking ass” just before they stormed the U.S. Capitol building and killed a Capitol police officer while looking to take out a few members of Congress.
Florida U.S. Rep. MATT GAETZ who brushed his hair and scrubbed his face before claiming that Donald Trump’s call to Georgia election officials was “clear and visceral,” and who asserted that the Jan. 6 insurrection on the Capitol was led by Antifa (a claim later shown to be false) and who later that same day OPPOSED the certification of Joe Biden’s election as president. He later became the ultimate shameless Trump toady by magnanimously offering to RESIGN from Congress so he could defend Trump at his impeachment trial.
Missouri U.S. Sen. JOSH (B’GOSH) HAWLEY, who along with Ted Cruz promoted the absurd theory that the election was stolen from Trump via massive voter fraud (but only in the states Trump lost), saying “millions of voters concerned about election integrity deserve to be heard,” neglecting for the moment that at least 7 million more, along with 60 separate court cases, felt there were no questions left to be asked. Hawley’s actions on Jan. 6 prompted his mentor, former U.S. Sen. JOHN DANFORTH, to say that supporting Hawley and working for his election “was the worst mistake I ever made in my life.”
Texas U.S. Sen. TED CRUZ (see previous paragraph) who, when snow blanketed Texas, temperatures plummeted, the pipes froze and the lights went out, did what a real Repugnantcan leader will always do: he split with his family for the beaches of Cancun. Think of the irony here: A Repugnantcan sneaking across the border into Mexico.
North Carolina Rep. MADISON CAWTHORN who has been guilty of embellishing quite a few of his non-accomplishments and taking full advantage of the pity vote as a paraplegic. Word is bets are being made on which lie he will dwell on: his Naval Academy career cut short by an auto accident that left him paralyzed (he had already been rejected by the academy prior to the accident), his gritty training for the Paralympic Games (totally false) or his history of alleged SEXUAL MISCONDUCT, flirtations with right ultra-nationalism, or his RACIAL INCITEMENT.
California U.S. Rep. DEVIN NUNES who loves to sue anyone who dares disagree with him but it appears he only sues to lose. He loses or drops all his cases. He has sued CNN, an INTERNET COW (Twitter) and a former employee, among others. He was also directly involved in the effort to pursue the BIDEN UKRAINE INVESTIGATIONS.
There is a host of other speakers as well, but these would be the lowlights.
Besides, there is the other story that’s much more bizarre.
Like the Israelites led out of Egypt by Moses, the attendees at CPAC have brought in their own golden calf. Well, golden Trump, but a pig by any other name….
That’s right, folks. They wheeled in this hideous STATUE of The Former Guy that more resembles something they’d dream up on The Simpsons or in a tortured nightmare after having too much pork for supper.
Were I The Former Guy, I would likely look upon this monstrosity as a cruel attempt at ridicule because flattering it ain’t.
What it did do, however, was to generate a slew of Twitter comments (more irony considering Trump is banned from Twitter for life), including a still shot from the movie The Ten Commandments of Edward G. Robinson standing beside the golden calf. Some of the choice comments:
“If only there were some sacred text, one most people of CPAC claimed allegiance to, that very explicitly warns against making golden idols.”
“Republicans wheel in the golden calf as they prepare to wander the electoral desert for 40 years.”
“Worshipping the golden calf was ‘really bad,’ prophets say (Exodus 32:8). Worshipping the golden jackass seems even worse.”
“Oh, this is so very on-brand for CPAC.”
“Instead of worshipping a golden calf, the GOP worship[s] a golden crook.”
“Despite having to fight up at least two weight classes, $20 says Bob’s Big Boy knocks out Golden Calf Donald Trump by the 3rd round.”
As our late friend C.B. Forgotston was fond of saying, “You can’t make this stuff up.”
You’re right… you can’t make this stuff up. It’s not that I don’t believe you, lol. I have been trying to push back from politics and enjoy time without Brigadier General Bone Spurs, but now I’ll have to go and search for that giant golden ass.
Just click on the link (the word STATUE in bold caps) and the (illustrated) story will pop up.
I don’t think little Kayleigh Macaroni would have anything in her (now unemployed) press binder to explain that one. But, oddly, I bet he just tickled pink about it.
The former guy doesn’t have the integrity or sense to be embarrassed by that ludicrous golden image. And the faux christians at CPAC who like to throw their Bibles in our faces have proven once again that most of them haven’t actually read it.
Tom, while everything you have written is absolutely true….the thing that bothers me is that this “meeting” represents Americans who will vote, based on the bald-faced lies and absurd fact that they have no political platform to solve any of the very serious problems facing America. They have followers who vote as blindly as the Golden Whatchamacallit statue! Therein lies our problem…
As many of us have said many times before, these people live in a separate reality from ours and they demonstrate it daily. Their reality is a dark fantasy world we can only imagine. This makes them extremely dangerous because it they can blindside us like they did January 6 and they can do it over and over and over…The fatted calf they are worshipping at this weekend’s gathering is a clear reflection of their reality – to them he was a great president. How can it be possible to draw such a conclusion? Unfortunately, the world where this is possible is on the same planet where the rest of us live.
Looney tunes characters holding a meeting in Florida (because D.C. has large group restrictions but DeSantis Florida of course does not) spouting nonsense in a gasping effort to appear relevant. Pathetic creatures dancing to the music orchestrated by Porky Pig.
Great article! I still believe the Trumpites will worship only money/power and fantasy world. The real world will survive and I hope to be reincarnated as a Canada goose after the rapture. I drink and know many things. love always ron thompson
Great post, Tom. But, the reference to Edward G. Robinson may be incorrect. I think the film is the Ten Commandments.
Geez. Of course you’re correct. Don’t know how I could’ve missed that. They show that movie on TV every Easter. Yul Brynner, Charlton Heston, et al. Thanks for keeping me honest.
Cassidy on CNN this morning:
https://www.politico.com/news/2021/02/28/cassidy-trump-gop-2024-471861
Unlike the collection of fools at this weekend’s sideshow, he no longer courts the T***p base. Rather than accept and cater to their ignorance, he is standing for reality and truth. I applaud it – and Kornpone only looks worse by comparison. I’m glad his fellow crackpots didn’t even respect Kornpone enough to invite him to speak at their hate/lie fest.
Happy to see you are still kicking A.. and taking names, Tom. What a sideshow