Louisiana Voice

The 2012 football seasons for LSU and all other Louisiana colleges and universities have been cancelled by Gov. Piyush Jindal in favor of virtual tailgating and virtual football as the natural extension of his virtual school vision.

Jindal apparently has no regard for the ripple effect his virtual school policies will have on the Louisiana economy and the havoc those policies will wreak on campuses each fall across the state.

And if Mitt Romney is elected and he enacts the same platform on a national scale, the country will revert to the Dark Ages of collegiate football.

Oh, the humanity!

How will we cope as beer-gutted, brain-addled, maniacal football fans if our favorite college, i.e. LSU, Louisiana Tech, Grambling, ULL, Southern, Northwestern, Nichols and all the rest eventually succumb to the Republican/Koch Brothers/ALEC scheme to privatize all state universities?

We have seen in an incredibly short time how Piyush has gone from charter schools to vouchers and now to virtual, online schools and with a national push to “take the state out of state colleges,” it will be only a matter of time before we have virtual, online state universities—if indeed they can still be called “state” schools.

Think about it.

The marriage between virtual colleges and fantasy football will be a match made in sports hell.

First, the drastic drop in sales of barbeque grills, motor homes, ice chests and lawn chairs will be catastrophic to those particular industries. Massive layoffs will occur in not just those industries, but in the manufacturing and sale of stadium blankets, hip flasks, band uniforms and instruments, team jerseys and caps and sports equipment, including uniforms, pads, helmets and footballs.

And how many referees, trainers, sportswriters and ticket takers, will be thrown out of work in the process?

And just how do you think all those legislators are going to react to having to settle for virtual season tickets paid for with virtual campaign funds?

Think about the draconian loss of revenue to colleges in parking fees, ticket, concession and program sales. And how much is a virtual coach worth these days? Certainly nowhere the salaries of a Les Miles of Nick Saban. Those two alone account for the entire GNP of a half-dozen zip codes, not to mention their army of assistant coaches.

And what about the recent expansion to Tiger Stadium? Where will the money to pay for that little project come from? For that matter, what will they do with all those college stadia scattered across the state?

How much does a real Mike the Tiger fetch these days when there are virtual tigers all over the internet?

How many virtual ribs can you cook on a virtual grill in your den? Where are you going to park that virtual motor home for your virtual tailgate party, in your back yard? Nice.

And are you going to go bonkers when the virtual LSU band enters a virtual Tiger Stadium? What about when the virtual Les Miles leads his virtual team onto the field with his virtual white hat and his silly, but so enjoyable virtual hand clap? Will he eat virtual grass during the virtual game?

Can’t wait for the virtual awarding of the virtual Heisman. If only we’d had virtual football a little earlier, the virtual Honey Badger would have been a virtual shoo-in for the virtual award.

And segueing into basketball, a virtual LSU team will virtually crush all opposition, including the virtual championship-caliber teams of Kentucky and Florida.

And a virtual LSU baseball team will win the virtual College World Series every year at virtual Omaha.

And let’s not stop with college. Public schools, after all, are where the trend started so let’s return to our virtual origins.

West Monroe? Hah. A virtual Ruston Bearcat team can return to its 1980s glory days by teaching those virtual Rebs a virtual lesson in virtual fantasy football. Neville? Shoot, they’d just be virtual also-rans.

John Curtis, Evangel, Haynesville and Catholic High of Baton Rouge would continue, most likely in their roles as virtual perennial champions or, in the case of Catholic High, virtual contenders (always a virtual bridesmaid but never a virtual bride).

It just doesn’t get any better. No expensive concessions, no freezing cold, driving rain, horrendous traffic jams, obnoxious drunks, no staring into the sun during a day game if you sit in the east stands—just good, virtual football.

The downside of course, is no pretty cheerleaders and drum majorettes to gawk at, no tailgate parties with endless food and drink, no camaraderie with fellow fans. In short, no fun.

But let’s not stop there. After virtual schools and virtual colleges, the natural procession will be to virtual legislatures, virtual regulatory agencies and of course, virtual health care, virtual police and fire protection and virtual sewer services and virtual garbage pickup.

That, sadly, is the virtual reality of Piyush Jindal’s virtual world: a make believe society receiving virtual services in every sector of life with no camaraderie, no interaction—only obscene profits for the virtual providers.

But that’s the disconnected world in which our virtual governor now resides.