The patient was doing great at one time. His health, once robust, was now rapidly deteriorating, largely the result of his own excesses and self-indulgent behavior.
So it was that preeminent surgeon Dr. J (not a basketball player by any means) was brought in for consultation. Immediate surgery was ordered and Dr. J’s crack team was summoned for the operation.
The team, the best available anywhere on the planet, was not cheap. It consisted of Dr. Davis, emergency preparedness, $165,000; Dr. Taffaro, director of recovery, $150,000; insurance coordinator Ellington, $150,000; revenue and finance coordinator Smith, $107,500; alcohol and tobacco intake monitor Dr. Hebert, $107,000; tax analyst Katz, $56,000; mobility monitor and de facto management team director Dr. N. Gautreaux (fee unknown) and members Powell and Smiley heading up the pardon committee in the event of any procedural screw-ups, $36,000 each; head nurse Teepell, $167,000 and damage control expert Plotkin, $90,000.
Once the team was assembled, the patient was wheeled into OR and Dr. J’s work was begun.
Dr. J: Give me some light here. We need more transparency.
OR nurse: Here you go, Doctor.
Dr. J.: No! Don’t shine the light on me! Put it on the patient.
Nurse Teepell: Nurse, you’re on report for such a violation of protocol.
Dr. J: We have a real mess here. Look, his lungs have far more air than is necessary to perform their function. That’s wasteful inefficiency.
Nurse Teepell: Yes, I can see that, sir.
Dr. J: We should be able to cut back to a single lung. Same with the kidneys.
Nurse Teepell: I concur.
Dr. J: And just look at that liver. It’s practically hemorrhaging bile. What could be causing that?
Nurse Teepell: It must be a malcontent. Better get rid of it.
Dr. J: Great idea. Let’s contract out the liver function.
OR Nurse: Doctor, a patient can’t survive without a liver.
Dr. J: Who’s performing this surgery? Did you go to medical school?
OR Nurse: No, Doctor, and I’m not sure you did either.
Nurse Teepell: That’s ENOUGH, nurse! Dr. J knows what he’s doing.
Dr. J: And just look at this heart. Four chambers? Why can’t we eliminate three chambers and have the heart do more with less?
OR NURSE: Doctor, I don’t think….
Dr. Davis: SILENCE! This is emergency surgery and I say Dr. J’s strategy has merit.
Dr. J: I’ll just start cutting right here….Whoa! Look at all that blood. It’s going everywhere!
Dr. Taffaro: We have to do something quickly.
Dr. J: I know: berms. Build berms.
Smith: With all due respect, doctor, berms will cost upwards of a quarter-million dollars. A clamp is only $12.
Dr. J: But I thought of berms first, so it’s gotta be berms. I want my berms. Can we get insurance to pay for it, Mr. Ellington?
Ellington: Sure. No problem. That would be FEMA, the Federal Emergency Medical Administration.
OR NURSE: But Doctor, that’s not what FEMA stands for and besides that, the berms are washing away as fast as you build them.
Dr. Gautreaux: Nurse, if you continue to defy change, you will suffer the wrath of my management team.
Dr. J: This patient is in terrible condition but I think we can save him by privatizing all of his internal organs. We can get millions for them and use the money to pay our salaries.
Nurse Teepell: Doctor, you’re a genius.
Dr. J: I know.
Ms. Katz: There should be an advantageous tax loophole for this strategy.
Nurse Teepell: There’s a ready market for lungs, kidneys, livers and brains. The only problem is there’s no one we know who wants a heart.
Dr. J: That could be a problem. We may have to pay someone to take the heart. What should that cost us?
Dr. Hebert: At least $68 million, but it could a risky management decision. If need be, we could up the ante to $74.8 million as an incentive. And whoever takes it probably won’t keep it very long. But we can get Mr. Plotkin to say it’ll save $200 million in the long run.
OR Nurse: Doctor, I’m not getting a reading on the monitor. I think we’ve lost the patient.
The OR is eerily still for several seconds. Finally, voices interrupt the silence.
Powell: Uh-oh.
Smiley: Can’t you order him not to die?
Dr. J: Well, I suppose we could replace him with a consultant.
Nurse Teepell: Brilliant, sir!
Dr. J: I know.
Louisiana Voice 
Thankfully, there’s a cap on damages.
Unfortunately, when Dr. J finishes, the patient (victim) will be in such bad shape it will take billions to recover. Find a body bag and throw the state of Louisiana in it.
In terms of humor, this is priceless! Unfortunately, it’s also a horribly accurate depiction of the cartoon characters in charge of our government. Jindal and his sycophants are flirting perilously close to insanity. When is he going to”come out” as dictator? All the signs are there.
Dr. J is still running for President or vice president and will distort his “operation” in La. to claim success, but the patient died from not having enough medical insurance or cash contribution to a super-pac. Insanity is a good term, but arrogance and incompetence is the truth. good job,Tom
🙂
Insurance doesn’t pay for preventable errors or never-events, does it? Neither does the state. People do. Always.
Priceless!
Four more years.
BRILLIANT!!!
This is nothing but more “LIBERAL” propaganda attacks on our governor… Gov. Jindal and Sen. Vitter are both capable leaders doing their best to enlighten our state, unlike the Dems/Obama taking earmarks and spending our future…
Which is nothing like putting dedicated workers in the street so that campaign contributors and political cronies can reap the benefits of “privatization” contracts–at even higher costs to taxpayers.
If showing the foibles of this administration and how it is the lap dog of Wall Street and campaign donors is liberal, then yes, I guess you could call me that.
If blind loyalty to politicians who ignore the needs of the state in favor of corporate tax cuts that are of no benefit to the state (see the latest Legislative Auditor’s report–page one of today’s Advocate) to advance their own agendas is patriotic, then I guess you’re a patriot.
::zing!:::
Wakeup, indeed. Don’t let facts get in the way of your talking points. Being on the inside, some of us see the absolute corruption of this administration. This governor is selling off state assets just as fast as he can to generate revenue. He’s leveraging the state’s long-term future for short-term political gain. The next governor will be forced to raise taxes simply because there will be nothing left to sell. There is no accountability, little oversight, and absolute no transparency when state services — and that includes education and prison — move into the private sector and become for-profit services. Who reaps the the benefits of the profits? It t’ain’t the taxpayers.