There are slow news days and there are slow news days but the story that Associated Press moved this morning must be indicative of a really slow news day – maybe they ran out of stories to do about a certain delusional orange clown.

Regardless, the story was about how the conversion of COW MANURE, aka meadow muffins, aka barnyard frisbees (when allowed to first bake dry in the sun a few days) into fuel as a “growing climate solution.”

My first thought after spotting that headline in my daily morning feed was, I don’t know about the climate change part, but they’re just now discovering that about converting it to fuel?

That second part surely ain’t new. I grew up on a small farm and my grandfather used cow poop and chicken poop extensively as nature’s fertilizer (none of that chemical stuff for him) for our ‘maters, melons, okra, squash, peas, ‘taters and whatever else he was a mind to plant, which gave our vegetables all sorts of energy to grow and produce the biggest, healthiest, most delicious food imaginable – which, of course, was transferred to human energy at our dinner table (that’s lunch to you urbanites – you had lunch and dinner; we had dinner and supper. They’s a difference and they ain’t nothing subtle about it).

We even had a wild plum tree in our back yard where our chickens roosted each night. Best damn plums you ever popped in your mouth (but you had to be careful, Granddaddy didn’t use pesticides, either and the worst thing about finding a worm in your plum was bitin’ into one and seein’ half-a-worm).

I remember a game we used to play as kids called British Bulldog. It was kinda like football in that you had a field and two goal lines but that’s where the similarity ended. It didn’t matter how many kids you had playing; the more the better. The way it worked was one kid was picked to stand in the middle of the field and the others would line up on one of the goal lines. The kid in the middle would yell, “British Bulldog” and the others would run like hell to the other goal. The objective was for the kid in the middle of the field to tackle one of the runners. Then, the two of them would stand in the middle of the field and repeat the process going the other way. The game would continue that way with the number in the middle of the field growing as the number of runners dwindled. The winner would be the last one tackled (if you could call a kid being gang-tackled by about a dozen of his pals a “winner”).

Anyway, the thing I most remember about that game was this one time we were playing it in Allen “Watts” Carpenter’s cow pasture behind his house. We were just starting the game with one guy (who shall remain nameless) out in the middle. When he yelled, “British Bulldog,” we took off.

Now Watts was unquestionably the fastest one among us (he would later set a state record for the high hurdles while running track for Ruston High School). Anyway, as he sped past the unfortunate kid in the middle, the kid dove for Watts and, of course, missed. But he didn’t just miss. He landed a perfect face plant in a fresh pile of the aforementioned meadow muffin and came up dripping from his nose, ears and mouth. Unsurprisingly, the game was over at that point as the rest of us stood around laughing our butts off, as kids are prone to do at those less fortunate. Truth be told, we were laughing more out of relief that it had not happened to us than at his misfortune.

But talk about a conversion to energy! I’ve never seen a kid with such a burst of energy as he ran squalling for home with all that fresh natural fertilizer dripping from his face.

And then there’s that old joke about the bird flying south for the winter. Unfortunately, he started out too late in the season and soon was overcome by the cold and alit freezing to death in a cow pasture. A bull saw him shivering and felt sorry for the poor fellow and, standing over him, deposited a fresh load of natural fertilizer on him. Soon, he was feeling the warmth of the excrement and began to thaw out and feel better. So, he popped his little head out and started singing. A nearby fox heard him singing and came over, dug him out and ate him. The moral of the story is: Everyone who craps on you ain’t necessarily your enemy and everyone who digs you out ain’t necessarily your friend.

The second part of that Associated Press headline was that the conversion of cow flops to fuel may put communities at risk.

Our unfortunate friend in that abbreviated British Bulldog game would certainly agree.

And this was a slow news day for a post.

So, while LSU remains in desperate need of more than $700 million in DEFERRED MAINTENANCE, including repairs to the roof that is literally caving in on the university’s 70-year-old library, Tiger Stadium has just undergone a nice multi-million-dollar FACELIFT that features new lighting and a state-of-the-art new scoreboard that is second to nobody, not even ‘Bama, by gosh.

That, by the way, is just a fraction of the total $2 BILLION (with a B) backlog of needed repairs at all of Louisiana’s colleges and universities.

Yes, I know that the bulk of the Tiger Stadium project cost was underwritten by $19.8 million from the Tiger Athletic Foundation. At least, that’s the way it was explained. The actual cost was not provided.

And then there’s talk about constructing a new multi-million-dollar BASKETBALL ARENA to replace the half-century old Pete Maravich Assembly Center.

And yes, I’m acutely aware that the LSU Athletic Department is self-funded and does not use of public monies. And I’m also aware that the Athletic Department contributes some to university academics. I wonder, though, if LSU athletics would be “self-funded” without its heavy reliance upon the foundation

And I can’t help but wonder why all those well-heeled individuals who pour money into the foundation can’t see the need to spread some of that largesse around so that the university’s entire physical plant could be considered “state-of-the-art.”

So, with apologies to Simon and Garfunkel:

Hello library, my old friend
I’ve come to study here again
Because a vision softly prayed
For a $20 million stadium upgrade

And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
With the gods of football

In restless dreams I walked alone
Sidewalks of broken cobblestone
‘Neath the glare of the stadium lights
I turned my collar to the cold and blight
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of the new scoreboard
That spat with loud retort
From the gods of football

And in the naked light I saw
A hundred thousand people, maybe more
Politicians talking without speaking
Legislators hearing without listening
Academics making pleas that voices never share
No one dared
Disturb the gods of football

“Fools” said I, “You do not know
Ignorance like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you”
But my words like silent raindrops fall
And kneel to the gods of football

And the people bowed and prayed
To the football god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming

And the sign said, “The words of the profits
Are written on the training room walls
And athlete dining halls
Just worship the gods of football”

Remember that retired state trooper who was brought back into the fold as a WAE (part time) state trooper who was doing her patrolling while living in Greece?

Well, we have an update. LouisianaVoice has learned that (a) her appointment was apparently made without bothering to get the requisite approval of the Louisiana State Police Commission, which hasn’t held an official monthly meeting now for three full months and (b) the trooper, Melissa Matey (who retired on June 27 and was re-hired the very next day as a WAE state trooper) has been terminated as a result of our AUGUST 19 STORY.

How embarrassing it must have been for Louisiana State Police (LSP) officials to get caught with their proverbial pants down like that.

But wait! There’s more!

It seems that there are two more “retired” state troopers who were re-hired as WAE troopers but who are apparently performing their patrol duties over in Mississippi and Alabama.

Vincent DeBenedetto was first hired by LSP on March 23, 2009, and “retired” a mere four years later, on April 26, 2013, as a Master Trooper before working two separate stints as a WAE trooper, first from June 22, 2015, to May 5, 2019, for $31 per hour and again, from June 13, 2023 to the present at a rate of $35 per hour. In between, he worked as a Department of Public Safety police officer for $31 per hour.

Then there is Jules S. Pinero, III, who was initially hired on October 30, 2000, and retired at the rank of lieutenant a little over six years later, on February 11, 2007 before being brought back as a WAE driver education compliance officer on May 18, 2015 until May 5, 2019 at $31 per hour. The very next day, on May 6, 2019, he began working as a WAE state trooper at $31 per hour and continues in that position – except that his hourly pay was bumped up to $35 on January 11 of this year.

The only problem with all that is that DeBenedetto lives in Long Beach, Mississippi, and Pinero, poor fella, resides in Gulf Shores, Alabama (that must be tough).

Who wouldn’t like a soft cushy part-time job that pays $35 per hour? (Remember now, the Loozeraner Legislature has for years consistently refused to raise the $7.25 per hour minimum wages of a single mother trying to raise two or three kids.) But these guys not only get their LSP retirement, but $35 per hour for doing squat, as well.

Oh, and LouisianaVoice has also learned that there is another whose main job it is to show up to drink coffee with the guys at $35 per hour.

And we were naïve enough to believe that things would get better at LSP once Mike Edmonson was gone.

How foolish of us to forget that this is Loozeraner, where the words ethics, honesty and integrity are foreign concepts.

Since Edmonson’s departure, LSP has dug in its heels on its policy of responding to public records requests. For example, state law says custodians of public records “shall” provide requested records immediately. But LSP has this new policy of taking “up to 45 days” to respond – and all too often, that response is either so heavily redacted as to be useless or they say they have “no records that are responsive to your request.”

We’re still waiting for our requested records on WAE Trooper Matey. Fortunately, we were able to secure most of what we requested from other sources – certainly not from State Police, who tried unsuccessfully to cover up the killing of Ronald Greene by State Police.

Like I said, ethics, honesty and integrity…

As might be expected, Guvner Landry is pandering to our fears and prejudices by again singling out non-citizens as convenient scapegoats to be used to whip up frenzied opposition to a problem that isn’t nearly as bad as he would have us believe.

This time he has signed an EXECUTIVE ORDER that targets “noncitizens” in Louisiana as a voter fraud risk while conveniently ignoring the COLD, HARD FACT that no state – no, not one – allows noncitizens to vote in state or local elections.

This is the same guy who dispatched Louisiana National Guardsmen to the Texas border with Mexico to help keep out all those rapists and murderers from flooding into the country. And he has said he’s open to SENDING MORE should the need arise.

Funny thing is, his own party helped to formulate a bipartisan border control plan until the orange-tinted former guy called our very own Speaker of the House, Mike Johnson, to squelch the deal because it would help the Democrats in the November election.

So much for putting the country’s interests over politics.

Now, the Master of Mar-a-Largo is saying that if he is returned to the White House that he described as a “dump,” he will institute mass deportations of all non-citizens.

Apparently, he never gave a thought to who would then pick the fruit and vegetables (including those delicious Louisiana strawberries), who would perform the roofing on all those hurricane-damaged buildings in New Orleans and Florida, who would work in all the meat-packing plants, or who would do all that landscaping around those nice corporate buildings and our streets and highways. Did he say anything about punishing all those aforementioned corporate CEOs who hire illegals “off the books” so as to not to have to pay social security taxes or provide benefits while ever-so-politely taking away American jobs?

So, bottom line, Landry is creating a lot of wasted motion and blowing a lot of hot air over issues that do nothing to address the state’s very real problems of obesity, education, poverty, health and jobs. Instead, he focuses on hot-button issues like:

• A ridiculously redundant executive order;
• Spending untold amounts to send National Guard units to a neighboring state to defend against a non-existent threat to our own state;
• Being “tough on crime” by making it nigh-onto-impossible for the wrongfully convicted to have their cases heard;
• Insisting that the Ten Commandments be displayed in all classrooms while turning a blind eye to the real needs of public education and
• Ensuring that corporations get all the breaks by eliminating job requirements as a condition for granting tax incentives.

But political rhetoric without a trace of substance appears to be the norm these days, so why should I complain? After all, he was swept into office with a mandate from 18 percent of Louisiana’s registered voters.

One of the inevitable side effects of political division that currently poisons the bloodstream of a beautiful country is the inability to resist generalization when pillorying divergent positions and opinions.

A classic example of this is the tendency of Citizens for a New Louisiana, its leader, Michael Lunsford and its adherents to openly express their aim to restructure every single public library in every single parish in Louisiana to conform to the image of their constricted sense of values and morals.

So, rather than suggest that something nefarious might be afoot, I am willing to hypothesize that Lunsford’s lurking in the children’s sections of public libraries is for the purpose of researching for objectionable and inappropriate material, nothing else. That hasn’t always been the case as evidenced by numerous online comments about his furtive, creepy skulking:

What was hate group leader Michael Lunsford doing in the kids’ section of Barnes and Noble today?

Or:

Michael Lunsford is hoarding Lafayette Parish Library books in his office

Or maybe:

Michael Lunsford and Jamie Pope attack conservative military supporter, philanthropist, and owner of Grand Theatre over enforcing mask mandates. This is why good folks don’t want to stay in Louisiana. Grifting over morals.

Or perhaps:

Michael Lunsford and Citizens for a New Louisiana hates Cajun and Creole culture and doesn’t think Acadiana’s unique culture should be celebrated by its institutions.

I happen to subscribe to the philosophy that it’s wrong to toss a blanket characterization over any group. Like when the former guy, after that 2017 white nationalist protest in CHARLOTTESVILLE, said it included “some very fine people on both sides.”

The inconvenient fact that I’ve personally been unable to find any “very fine people” among the white nationalists should not preclude the fact that there may have been one.

Nor would it be fair to suggest that Lunsford may harbor certain latent tendencies of his own considering his long-time involvement with the BOY SCOUTS. He has, by his own assertion, after all, been “happily married” to his wife of 26 years. So, why should he be unnecessarily and unfairly tainted by a SEX SCANDAL that could date all the way back to 1910, the year Boy Scouts of America was founded by the MORMON CHURCH? Shoot, Lunsford probably isn’t even Mormon.

But then the CATHOLIC and BAPTIST churches have their own issues with sexual abuse scandals, so there’s that.

Of course, it’s wrong to paint an entire group with the same broad brush.

But that’s precisely what Citizens for a New Louisiana is doing. Openly PROCLAIMING its intent to impose its standards on libraries in all 64 parishes while launching personal attacks on any librarian or any other citizen who dares resist those efforts.

We would never stoop so low as to make any inference about Lunsford’s proclivity for children’s books, pornography and the Boy Scouts.

That just wouldn’t be right.

(Ordinarily, I would remind readers that this was written tongue-in-cheek, but I’m afraid even that might overload the moral sensibilities of Lunsford and Citizens for a New Louisiana.)