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Archive for the ‘Legislature, Legislators’ Category

Earl Long is generally credited with the following quote:

“Don’t write anything you can phone. Don’t phone anything you can talk. Don’t talk anything you can whisper. Don’t whisper anything you can smile. Don’t smile anything you can nod. Don’t nod anything you can wink.”

And so it came to pass that one day just before the Christmas season in the year of our Lord 2010, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal and his Chief of Staff Little Timmy Teepell were sitting across from one another at a table heavily laden with seasonal food winking at each other.

It was the governor who, breaking political protocol, interrupted the silence first.

BJ: I’m bored.

Little TT: Bored?

BJ: Yes, bored. I’ve been stuck here in the state for three whole days now.

Little TT: What do you suggest, Governor?

BJ: A road trip.

Little TT: But governor, all the elections are over. There’s no one to campaign for. And we’ve done the book tour thing.

BJ: Well, I’m bored. What can we do?

Little TT: Well, Governor, the natives are pretty restless. They think you should remain in the state a couple of weeks and work on the budget deficit.

BJ: TWO WEEKS!!!!?? Bor-ring!

Little TT: Seriously, Governor, we need to discuss ways to raise revenue for the state to offset an anticipated $1.6 billion budget deficit next year.

BJ: Isn’t there a hurricane or an oil spill or some other disaster that can give me face time on the TV cameras so I can act governorential?

Little TT: Governorential?

BJ: Yes. You know, where I go on TV and blame the federal government for everything.

Little TT: No there isn’t anything like that right now. Let’s talk about the budget.

BJ: I know! I can take the state helicopter to a little Baptist Church up in Shongaloo and give ‘em a stimulus check.

Little TT: We can do that on Sunday. Today’s Tuesday. Let’s talk about the budget until then.

BJ: All right. But it’s boring. There’re no TV cameras.

Little TT: That’s okay. You’ll get all the TV coverage you want if you solve the budget crisis.

BJ: Really? Oh, boy! What do we have to do?

Little TT: We need to take measures to raise cash to erase next year’s budget deficit.

BJ: That should be easy. I’m a Rhodes Scholar and (laughing) you’re a Roads Scholar. Isn’t that what you said in your interviews, you’re a Roads Scholar?

Little TT: That’s right, Governor, but remember, we were both absent on pothole day.

(Laughter.)

BJ: That’s funny. A Roads Scholar. Pothole day. I get it. What does that mean?

Little TT: Don’t worry about it. It was just a joke. Now to generate some revenue, we need to sell off some state assets.

BJ: Like what?

Little TT: Well, we can sell all those new state buildings that Governor Foster built and then lease the space back. That should gives us about a hundred million or so up front.

BJ: But didn’t I read somewhere once that selling any fixed asset on a sale-leaseback basis is an act of desperation triggered by cash flow problems?

Little TT: But that’s precisely where we are: We’re desperate because we have cash flow problems.

BJ: But it would place us, the seller, in the position as a long-term lessee. Isn’t that the same as a debtor or bond obligor? That seems like a quick fix to a long-term problem. It’s just deferring a permanent resolution to a problem and not fixing the underlying problem.

Little TT: Governor, you’ve been reading your old campaign literature again, haven’t you? You need to eighty-six that. Drop the rhetoric; you won the election.

BJ: Oops, I forgot.

Little TT: We can also sell a couple of state prisons—those in Winn and Allen parishes. That should bring in about $64 million or so.

BJ: Won’t the buyer just work the mortgage payments back into what he charges the state to house state prisoners?

Little TT: Governor, have you been talking to legislators and not telling me?

BJ: Sorry.

Little TT: Governor, you’ve got to stop that. Legislators aren’t your friends. Now focus. We can also draw against future lottery revenue to get another infusion of cash.

BJ: But what if somebody living in a trailer park wins the lottery? I don’t want him knocking on the front door of the governor’s mansion asking for his money.

Little TT: Don’t worry about that. Listen to me. These are all short-term solutions. It will give us one-time money to cover recurring expenditures but it doesn’t matter. By the time those people in north Louisiana who elected you figure it out, you’ll be well on your way to running for president.

BJ: And you’ll be my little Karl Rove. TT, I see where you’re going with this and I like it. Hell….I mean heck, we can sell the state police cars and put them on bicycles. That should work. When I was in Oxford doing my Rhodes Scholar bit, they had Bobbies on foot. We can call ‘em Bobbies on bicycles. Voters will love that.

Little TT: That would be pretty drastic. The state police would probably need cars….

BJ: How ’bout if I just sold my soul?

Little TT: You already did that to get elected.

BJ: How about selling some of the state golf courses?

Little TT: That’d probably look pretty bad. We just bought the Tournament Players Club in New Orleans and took over the Poverty Point club up in Delhi and we’re in the process of building a couple of others. How could we explain the sudden change? Those golf courses are viable investments. Even as we speak, we’re in the process of taking bids on the construction of a miniature golf course at City Park in New Orleans. What I’m saying, Governor, is we’re committed on these expenditures.

BJ: How about selling the Pentagon Barracks?

Little TT: Can’t do that, either. We have legislators living in them and the new owners might raise their rent from the $300 they’re paying now to a level comparable to other apartments. The legislature is already mad enough. We can’t risk that.

BJ: How about cutting higher education and health care benefits then?

Little TT: Now you’re thinking like the governor I know and respect. Let’s sing some nice Christmas carols:

Jindal Bells, Jindal Bells,
Jindal all the way;
Oh how sad
Is his wishy-washy way—HEY!

Jindal Bells, Jindal Bells,
On another flight
Oh how nice we all do feel
When he is out of si–ight.

Away at a fund raiser
No one does he dread;
Not running for president,
At least that’s what he said.

But from afar
We know what they say,
Move over Obama,
Jindal’s on his way.

Oh, little state of Louzian
How sorry is your plight;
With Bobby selling all our jails,
Citizens now feel pure fright.

While in our dark streets linger
A refracted gleam of light;
From guns and knives will lives
Be lost in thee tonight.

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By Tom Aswell

Here’s a sound business plan that’s sure to attract shrewd investors in today’s competitive real estate market: Construct four apartment buildings containing 39 one- and two-bedroom units of an average size of 800-900 square feet each.

Throw in about $74,136.46 in free furniture and locate the $4.4 million apartment complex on prime property with scenic views of the Mississippi River on one side and the majestic Louisiana State Capitol building on the other. As a final inducement, offer the units for an average monthly rent of about $310, utilities included (sorry, no cable TV). Add two units assigned to a special VIP who pays $3,268 per month for 2,964 square feet, and the average monthly rent balloons to a whopping $368 per occupant.

Think you’d have any trouble attracting tenants at that price and with those amenities?

Probably not.

At those bargain basement rates and provided there were no maintenance costs, no new furniture to purchase, no remodeling needed, and if there were no increase in utilities along the way, and given a mortgage interest rate of 6%, the combined annual rental income would fall short of servicing the principal and interest on the debt, meaning owners would never break even on their investments. A 40-year mortgage at 6%, for example, would require a monthly payment of $24,209.40 against total monthly rental income of only $18,778. Think you’d get many takers with a can’t-miss opportunity like that?

Again, probably not.

Yet, that’s what’s happening, thanks to a long-standing practice by state elected officials in Baton Rouge. Most Louisiana taxpayers are unaware of their own generosity in funding this arrangement during one of the worst economic recessions in decades.

And just who are the beneficiaries of such big-hearted largesse? Who are the lucky tenants? That would be those same elected officials, more specifically, a select handful of legislators from the House and Senate who, even in the face of a looming $1.6 billion state budget deficit next year nevertheless show no reluctance in taking advantage of the cheap rentals even as hundreds of their constituents and state workers alike are losing their jobs and struggling to keep their homes.

The apartment complex in question? The historic Pentagon Barracks that served as part of the LSU campus from 1886 to 1926. Before that, in 1816, the fort at Baton Rouge was selected as an ordnance depot and a contract awarded for the construction of four barracks buildings and a combination commissary-warehouse building. The barracks are now on the National Historic Register.

Early on, the barracks played host to such dignitaries as presidents Zachary Taylor, Abraham Lincoln, U.S. Grant, Warren Harding, and William Taft; Jefferson Davis; Gens. Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, James Longstreet, Nathan Bedford Forrest, George Armstrong Custer, George B. McClellan, P.G.T. Beauregard, and William Tecumseh Sherman, the first president of the military academy that would become LSU.

Today, there are 39 units occupied by 50 legislators—25 from each house. (The Louisiana Legislature is comprised of 144 members—39 senators and 105 representatives.) Two other units are occupied by the lieutenant governor, even though recently-elected Jay Dardenne is a resident of Baton Rouge. Two others, Rep. Karen Gaudet St. Germain (D-Plaquemine) and Sen. Rob Marionneaux (D-Livonia) live only 15 and 24 miles, respectively, from Baton Rouge which could leave some wondering why those three need special housing accommodations in Baton Rouge.

Occupancy of the Pentagon Barracks apartments appears to be more a matter of status than seniority or party affiliation, since several tenants are in their first term in the legislature and there are nearly as many Republicans as Democrat tenants from each house. A request by Capitol News Service for an explanation of criteria used in assigning apartments was not answered by either the House Clerk’s office or the Division of Administration.

Rent charged the legislators (other than for the House speaker and Senate president) ranges from $185 per month each for six senators sharing three apartments to $400 for each of eight representatives who are the sole occupants of their units. Speaker of the House Jim Tucker (R-Terrytown) decides which House members will get apartments. He pays $500 and $125, respectively, for two separate apartments he assigned to himself.

On the Senate side, Senate President Joel T. Chaisson (D-Destrehan) assigns the 21 apartments to 25 senators. Chaisson pays $565 per month for his 1,764 square-foot apartment, which is double the size of the next in size—10 units that are 882 square feet each.

But that arrangement apparently was not good enough for Tucker. During this year’s regular legislative session, almost immediately after the election of former Lt. Gov. Mitch Landrieu as mayor of New Orleans, Tucker pushed through HB-1172 that would have moved the lieutenant governor’s quarters to a smaller apartment and allowed the speaker to take over the lieutenant governor’s two apartments which total 2,964-square-feet. The $3,268 monthly rental on the lieutenant governor’s apartments currently is paid by the Louisiana Department of Culture, Recreation, and Tourism. The two units underwent $187,000 in extensive renovations in 2004 at the behest of Landrieu, then newly-elected as lieutenant governor.

HB-1172 was approved 86-0 by the House with 17 either absent or not voting. Among those 17 were six Pentagon Barracks tenants: Andy Anders (D-Vidalia), Roy Burrell (D-Shreveport), Noble Ellington (D-Winnsboro), Rick Gallot (D-Ruston), Cedric Richmond (D-New Orleans), and Ernest Wooten (I-Belle Chase). The bill also passed unanimously in the Senate but died as one of Gov. Bobby Jindal’s few vetoes of the session.

Three neighboring states—Texas, Arkansas, and Mississippi—were contacted to learn if those states provided discounted housing for legislators. Only one, Arkansas, did and there apparently is some controversy about that policy, mostly because of several legislators who are chronically late in paying their rent. The state-owned apartment building is across the street from the Arkansas State Capitol and contains 48 apartments that are assigned to representatives and senators at rentals of $300 and $350 per month, according to Cathy Bradshaw, deputy secretary of state.

Arkansas pays its lawmakers a flat salary of $15,362 per year, plus $136 per diem and mileage expenses, according to the National Conference of State Legislatures (NCSL).

NCSL also reports that Texas pays its legislators $7,200 per year and $168 per diem for days that the legislature is in session, compared to Louisiana, which pays legislators $16,800 per year and $159 per diem. Mississippi lawmakers receive $10,000 per year plus $123 per diem during legislative sessions. Additionally, Alabama pays its lawmakers a base salary of $3,650 per year, plus $3,958 per month during legislative sessions only and $50 per diem only for the three days per week that the legislature actually meets.

Louisiana legislators are paid $16,800 per year and $159 per diem. That per diem amount is paid for each of the 85 calendar days of the even-year legislative sessions and 60 days of odd-year sessions even though the legislature meets on fewer than half of those days. The same $159 per diem is also paid to the 50 Pentagon Barracks tenants despite their favored housing status.

State records for the four Pentagon Barracks buildings show that their combined appraised value is slightly more than $4.4 million for 41 units comprising 43,424 square feet.

A sampling of the items of furniture purchased for legislative tenants include:

Entertainment center, $3,200;
• Sofas, $1,520 and $1,304;
• Chairs, $1,100 and $849;
• Eighteen dining room chairs for Speaker Tucker, $64 each;
• Loveseat, $798;
• Dresser, $969;
• Chair with Ottoman, $1,103;

In all, $31,670 was spent on furnishings for House tenants and another $42,466.46 for senators’ apartments.

Tucker, a Republican, and Democrat Chaisson apparently play no particular party favorites in assigning tenants to the Pentagon Barracks apartments. Of the 25 House tenants, 15 are Democrats, nine are Republicans and one is an Independent. Chaisson’s tenant assignments include 11 Republicans, 13 Democrats, and one Independent. If, however, Sen. John Alario follows through on his recent statement that he is leaning toward switching to Republican, the Senate tenants will be evenly split between Democrats and Republicans.

House members lucky enough to secure apartments in the Pentagon Barracks, the parishes they represent and the rent they pay include:

Andy Anders (D-Vidalia): Concordia, East Carroll, Madison, Tensas ($250);
• Jeff Arnold (D-New Orleans): Orleans ($250);
• Harold Richie (D-Bogalusa): Washington and St. Tammany ($250);
• Tim Burns (R-Mandeville): St. Tammany ($259);
• Rick Gallot (D-Ruston): Lincoln, Bienville, Claiborne ($250);
• Cedric Richmond (D-New Orleans): Orleans ($250);
• Brett Geymann (R-Lake Charles): Beauregard, Calcasieu ($250);
• James H. Morris (R-Oil City): Caddo and Bossier ($250);
• Damon J. Baldone (D-Houma): Lafourche and Terrebonne ($250);
• Gary L. Smith, Jr. (D-Norco): St. Charles and St. John the Baptist ($250);
• Dorothy Sue Hill (D-Dry Creek): Allen, Beauregard and Vernon) ($250);
• Karen Gaudet St. Germain (D-Plaquemine): Ascension, Assumption, Iberville, and West Baton Rouge ($250);
• Gordon E. Dove, Sr. (R-Houma): Lafourche and Terrebonne ($250);
• Joe Harrison (R-Gray): Assumption, St. Mary, and Terrebonne ($250);
• Nita Hutter (R-Chalmette): St. Bernard ($400);
• Jim Tucker (R-Terrytown): Jefferson and Orleans ($500 and $125);
• Ernest Wooton (I-Belle Chase): Jefferson, Plaquemines, and St. Charles ($400);
• Kay Katz (R-Monroe): Ouachita ($400);
• Roy Burrell (D-Shreveport): Bossier and Caddo ($400);
• Jean M. Doerge (D-Minden): Webster ($400);
• Jane H. Smith (R- Bossier City): Bossier ($400);
• Jim Fannin (D-Jonesboro): Bienville, Jackson, Ouachita, and Winn ($400);
• Noble Ellington (D-Winnsboro): Caldwell, Catahoula, Franklin, and Tensas ($400);
• Rosalind D. Jones (D-Monroe): Ouachita ($250);
• Charmaine M. Stiaes (D-New Orleans): Orleans ($250).

The 25 Senate members assigned to Pentagon Barracks apartments and the parishes they represent include:

John Alario (D-Westwego): Jefferson ($375);
• Daniel Martiny (R-Metairie): Jefferson ($300);
• Lydia P. Jackson (D-Shreveport): Caddo ($300);
• Mike Michot (R-Lafayette): Lafayette ($300);
• John R. Smith (D-Leesville): Vernon, Beauregard, and Calcasieu ($300);
• Gerald Long (R-Winnfield): Natchitoches, Sabine, Winn, Grant, Rapides, and Red River ($300);
• Francis Thompson (D-Delhi): Concordia, Richland, East Carroll, Madison, Tensas, and Ouachita ($300);
• Conrad Appel (R-Metairie): Jefferson ($345);
• D.A. “Butch” Gautreaux (D-Morgan City): Assumption and St. Mary ($300);
• Joe McPherson (D-Woodworth): Rapides ($300);
• B.L. “Buddy” Shaw (R-Shreveport): Caddo and Bossier ($300);
• David R. Heitmeier (D-Algiers): Orleans, Jefferson, and Plaquemines ($370);
• Julie Quinn (R-Metairie): Tangipahoa, St. Tammany, Jefferson, and Orleans ($370);
• Troy Hebert (I-Jeanerette) ($185): Iberia and St. Martin
(Hebert resigned his senate seat last week to assume the position of Commissioner of the Office of Alcohol and Tobacco Control, succeeding Murphy Painter who resigned under pressure last August. Hebert announced last June that he would not seek re-election to the senate after almost 16 years in the legislature as first a three-term representative and less than a full term as senator.);
Rob Marionneaux, Jr. (D-Livonia): East Feliciana, East and West Baton Rouge, Pointe Coupee, and Iberville ($185);
• Eric LaFleur (D-Ville Platte): Evangeline, Avoyelles, Allen, and St. Landry ($185);
• Jean-Paul J. Morrell (D-New Orleans): Orleans ($185);
• Edwin R. Murray (D-New Orleans): Orleans ($370);
• Neil Riser (R-Columbia): Caldwell, Catahoula, Concordia, Franklin, LaSalle, West Feliciana, Avoyelles, Ouachita, Rapides, and Richland ($185);
• Mike Walsworth (R-West Monroe): Ouachita, Morehouse, West Carroll, Union, and Claiborne ($185);
• Sherri Smith Cheek (R-Keithville): Caddo ($370);
• Willie L. Mount (D-Lake Charles): Calcasieu ($370);
• Dan “Blade” Morrish (R-Jennings): Acadia, Jefferson Davis, Cameron, and Calcasieu ($370);
• A.G. Crowe (R-Slidell): St. Tammany, St. Bernard, and Plaquemines ($370);
• Joel T. Chaisson, II (D-Destrehan): St. Charles, St. John the Baptist, and Lafourche ($565).

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At the risk of sounding racist, Gov. Bobby Jindal has to be considered as a true Indian giver. More accurately, an Indian giver with no leadership qualities.

There. I’ve said it. Someone had to.

Gov. “I’m not taking and federal stimulus money” Jindal back in September finally acquiesced and made formal application for $147 million in education funding. That was the amount for which Louisiana was deemed eligible from the $26 billion federal stimulus bill that was passed by Congress in August.

State Superintendent of Education Paul—“I didn’t know it was improper to use a state vehicle for dozens of personal trips to Chicago”—Pastorek said the state was making the application for the money because there were “no policy strings attached.”

“No strings” notwithstanding, federal guidelines required that the money go directly to the local school districts and that the money be used to pay salaries and benefits for teachers, school administrators and other staff.

The local school district officials were ecstatic. In some parishes it had already been determined that the local districts could no longer afford to pay substitute teachers when regular teachers were out sick and that the regular teachers would have to pay them out of their own salaries. Suddenly it seemed there was relief for the local officials who worked the infusion of cash into their operating budgets.

Then, just as suddenly, Jindal last week pulled the rug from under the local districts. More precisely, he pulled the money.

He created his own strings, it seems, choosing to commandeer the money to plug the $106 million hole in the administration’s budget and to offset cuts to higher education, an area he has already gutted with earlier cuts. In fact, one might suspect that the political backlash against his higher ed cuts were such that in grasping for an answer, he fell upon the brilliant idea of jerking the $147 from public education. Problem solved or leadership void?

Jindal’s latest misstep lays bare the sad fact that he really has no plan for pulling Louisiana out of the current fiscal morass. He is every bit as lost in facing this crisis as Gov. Kathleen Blanco was in dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. But give Gov. Blanco her due: her crisis was not self-inflicted, but was a natural disaster with which nearly anyone would have been ill-equipped to deal.

Jindal, on the other hand, had to see this coming. We were warned that the legislature should not be spending one-time money from the hurricane recovery funds in the manner it was. No one listened; not the legislature and certainly not the governor who was loath to use the line item veto at his disposal.

And now, in the middle of a fiscal crisis and with an even bigger one looming next year, what does Jindal do? He scoots off to dozens of states to campaign on behalf of Republican candidates for governor, Congress, and the U.S. Senate, leaving home-schooled subordinates to grapple with the budget deficit. For those not especially good at history, Richard Nixon did the same thing in preparation for his successful 1968 run at the president’s office, except he did it as a private citizen. He lost to John F. Kennedy in 1960 and then somehow managed to lose the California governor’s election to Pat Brown, prompting his famous line, “You won’t have Dick Nixon to kick around any longer.”

Instead, Nixon, not as a sitting governor ignoring responsibilities to his state, began working on behalf of Republican candidates, amassing in the process, a hatful of chits that he was able to redeem in 1968. That’s exactly what Jindal seems to be doing. He was absent so often during the state’s worsening financial crisis, that the president of the LSU student body fired off a letter to a New Hampshire newspaper asking the governor to return home.

Jindal insists he has the job he wants. If that’s true, he should stay home and do that job. Instead of staying home once the November elections were over, however, he now embarks to a tour to tout his book, Leadership and Crisis. That begs the question, “what leadership?” Jindal “presided over Louisiana’s healthcare system at age 24, headed the University of Louisiana system at 27, became a U.S. congressman at 33, and was elected governor of Louisiana at 36,” according to the Amazon.com promotion of his book. Do we see a trend here? The two systems that he headed under former Gov. Mike Foster, higher education and health care, are the two agencies that he appears determined to dismantle.

Again, the question: “what leadership?”

Jindal had his chance. He blew it. He could have slashed away at the Capital Outlay Bill in the session that ended last summer, but he didn’t. He could easily have cut nearly half-a-billion in wasteful spending from the bill, but he didn’t. He could bring himself to cut only $9.4 million. And now he has backed himself into a corner.

Where was the leadership, Gov. Jindal?

Instead of spending millions of dollars purchasing golf courses, the governor could have said no. But he didn’t.

Where was the leadership?

In ordering deeper cuts recently, Jindal told department heads the state needed more leadership and less whining. Immediately after making that brash statement, the state’s leader in abstensia left for Pittsburgh, PA, to campaign for yet another Republican candidate.

Where was the leadership?

Just in case you may have missed it, Governor, here again is a partial list of inappropriate appropriations that, had they been vetoed on one of the days that you were in the state, the financial mess in which we now find ourselves might have been averted.

That would be real leadership.

So, please read these during your next flight to some other state to promote your leadership book:

• $800,000 for land acquisition for the proposed Allen Parish Reservoir;
• $1.4 million for the proposed Bayou Dechene Reservoir in Caldwell Parish;
• $2.6 million for the Washington Parish Reservoir Commission Feasibility study;
• $17.2 million for Bayou Segnette Festival Park land acquisition and sports complex improvements;
• $28 million for modifications to the Performing Arts Center in Jefferson Parish;
• $2 million for construction of a playground Basketball Gym in Orleans Parish;
• $1.8 million for construction of the Little Theatre of Shreveport;
• $2.6 million for a new Westbank YMCA in Algiers;
• $2 million for the New Orleans Music Hall of Fame;
• $6 million for construction of a new courthouse in Baton Rouge;
• $2.8 million for the Dryades YMCA in New Orleans;
• $5.4 million for the Red River Waterway Commission;
• $7.7 million for the renovation of the Acadiana Center for the Arts in Lafayette;
• $2.5 million for improvements to the Coteau Water System in St. Martin and Iberia parishes;
• $2.4 million for the Union Parish Law Enforcement District;
• $1.8 million for construction for the Robinson Film Center in Caddo Parish;
• $12 million for construction of a convention center complex in Shreveport;
• $3.8 million for a new tennis center in Orleans Parish;
• $4.7 million for construction of the Louisiana Artist Guild Arts Incubator in New Orleans;
• $26.5 million for expansion and construction of the National World War II Museum in New Orleans.

Millions more were spent on construction projects that included recreational facilities, councils on aging, courthouses, sheriffs’ offices, jails, drainage projects, work on parish and municipal road and street construction projects, community centers, and water systems.

As if that were not enough, when legislators found extra money lying around, as they always seem to do during each legislative session, the House quickly pushed HB 76 through, appropriating an additional $33 million in local pork projects. Some of those expenditures:

• $150,000 for the Louisiana Political Hall of Fame in Winnfield;
• $500,000 for the Louisiana Endowment for the Humanities;
• $500,000 to “organizations which assist small towns and rural areas with their water and wastewater systems;”
• $250,000 for construction of an animal shelter in St. Charles Parish;
• $1 million to the Lafayette Parish Consolidated Government for infrastructure construction.

Where was the leadership?

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Okay, after much deliberation, soul-searching, and with encouragement from family and friends (and co-workers who just want me go somewhere, anywhere else), it is with tongue planted firmly in cheek that I announce my candidacy for governor of the gret stet of looziana.

I am offering my services with a fairly simple no-frills platform. Some of the individual planks in my platform are certain to offend some very influential people—and that’s a good thing. So, without fanfare, frills or equivocation, and with the promise of no compromise, here is that platform:

No out-of-state campaigning for any Democrat or Republican candidate. My first responsibility will be to the citizens of Louisiana, not some two-faced, lying parasite who has never held a real job. Besides, I’m an independent. Plus, I don’t trust any politician. And no out-of-state travel for book signings, either;

Merge several universities and junior colleges throughout the state and convert some four-year schools to junior college status. Failing that, at least merge some of the programs—such as the law schools at Southern University and LSU in Baton Rouge. With the help of a reluctant legislature, this will cut duplication in athletic scholarships, salaries of coaches and university administrators, and in replicated programs;

Turn over all operations of the Governor’s Office of Homeland Security (otherwise known as the Governor’s Patronage Department) to the State Police where it was originally and should be again. If you recall, the administration pushed through a constitutional amendment in October that changed the Office of Homeland Security from classified (civil service) to non-classified (appointive) so that Homeland Security employees may receive any size pay raise the administration deems appropriate. Civil service employees, meanwhile, have their merit raises frozen indefinitely;

Eliminate the lieutenant governor’s office and assign the duties of that office to the secretary of state. Hey, it worked with the elections commission;

Have the Office of Contractual Review do its job by reviewing ALL contracts, including consulting contracts, to determine need;

Use the governor’s line-item veto to cut wasteful spending and to balance the state budget instead of laying off employees who have families to support, college tuition and home mortgages to pay, and who need health insurance;

In lieu of layoffs, offer state employees the option of accepting a pay cut of 7.5 to 10% for those making $50,000 to $100,000; 15% for those making up to $200,000; 20% for salaries of $200,000 to $300,000, and 25% for anyone making more than $300,000. Most employees would opt for a pay cut if it meant saving their jobs but sadly, the present administration has never even considered this option. Legislators would also be required to take a 25% cut. In fact, cut cabinet level salaries altogether;

Sell off all state golf courses. No additional explanation necessary;

Revisit the sacred Homestead Exemption (see? It’s even capitalized.);

Increase tobacco and alcohol taxes to at least the national average. If people are going to kill themselves with their indulgences, at least make ‘em pay for the privilege and make ‘em pay for the use of our charity hospital system when they develop catastrophic illnesses related to their vices;

Pass a constitutional amendment that future budget cuts, when necessary, won’t affect education or health care (someone needs to do this.);

Block computer games and internet access to legislators on Senate and House floors during legislative sessions;

Require all lobbyists to register with the Secretary of State (they already register with the House Speaker, but that’s too close to the center of power) and assess a hefty registration fee for all lobbyists except for non-profits;

Discontinue publishing legislative acts and other legal news in the Baton Rouge newspaper. This practice is cost prohibitive now that we have the free internet;

Enact a tough ethics code with real teeth. Bar any gifts to legislators, including meals, drinks, parties, etc. Any lobbyist violating said act shall be subject to severe fines and shall be barred from all future legislative sessions. Any legislator violating said act shall be subject to heavy fines and forfeiture of legislative pay for duration of his/her term of office.

Consolidate investigative agencies. Louisiana currently has five investigative agencies: the attorney general’s office, the ethics commission, the inspector general, the state police investigation program and the legislative auditor. Total budget for the five agencies: $55 million. Because the present administration has already gutted, stripped, and otherwise neutered the ethics commission. I suggest the state police absorb the auditor’s office, the inspector general, and ethics commission and that any investigations now pending with the latter three agencies be turned over to the state police. You may have noticed that the attorney general was left out of the loop. That’s because the AG is elected and as such, is a politician and not to be trusted with any investigation of state officials.

There you have it: my complete platform. Oh, wait. There is one more: No campaign contributions shall be accepted from any person, organization, foundation, PAC, or lobbyist.

I guess I should go ahead and write my concession speech now.

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If there’s a single word that could describe both the political and fiscal plight of Louisiana, that word would be chaotic. Absentee governor also comes to mind.

Gov. Bobby Jindal, when he’s not flying off to any of a growing number of other states to campaign for Republican candidates, is telling cabinet members and department heads to lead and to stop “whining” about proposed budget cuts that threaten to further stymie the state’s already stagnant economy and to gut higher education.

College presidents from one end of the state to the other are grappling with ways to keep from shutting down academic programs and laying off professors and teachers. The college presidents challenged Jindal’s Facebook criticism of the state’s colleges and universities for “underperforming” and for their “inefficiency.”

Professors also are entering the fray, openly criticizing the governor for everything from chronic absenteeism to insensitivity toward higher education as manifested by the administration’s deep budgetary cuts.

One legislator, perhaps with some measure of justification, or perhaps with an eye on the governor’s office in next year’s election, likewise accused Jindal of being absent from the state in a time of crisis.

Rep. John Bel Edwards of Amite described Jindal as absent without leave during “the most serious budget crisis in our history.” Edwards, a Democrat, said that Jindal “is not minding the store” and has been less than honest with Louisiana’s citizens about problems facing the state.

Edwards isn’t alone among legislators in offering criticism of the governor’s repeated optimistic proclamations on his statewide “Building a Better Louisiana for Our Children” tour. Press releases from the governor’s office quote Jindal as saying his administration is “doing more with less” and has “significantly cut government spending and reduced the size of government—while pursuing innovative programs that are more effective at providing services for our people.”

Several state senators, however, have called Jindal to task for what they feel is a lack of candor. The said he should be more straightforward about the types of severe budget cuts that will be necessary in order to balance next year’s budget. They said Jindal has been misleading the public in talking up cost savings and office consolidations while refusing to acknowledge the far-reaching budget cuts that will be needed to close the budget gap.

The president of the LSU student body gained national publicity recently when he wrote to a newspaper in New Hampshire where Jindal was campaigning. The letter asked the governor to return home and address the budgetary problems facing higher education. Only when J. Ryan Hudson’s letter got national attention did Jindal finally agree to meet with students to discuss cuts to higher education.

More recently, an LSU professor voiced similar sentiments, saying Jindal should do his job and “stop playing games.” A.R.P. Rau added that the governor, while critical of university sabbatical policies, failed to appreciate the irony that he is often “absent without leave from the state, neglecting it for his personal national aspirations.”

Perhaps the most significant criticism, however, came from Ed Steimel, retired president of the Louisiana Association of Business and Industry (LABI). Steimel, calling himself a longtime supporter of Jindal, now describes the governor as “a major disappointment” and said he no longer supports him. Steimel-perhaps with tongue in cheek, but perhaps not-even suggested that Hudson and Jindal swap jobs.

State Treasurer John Kennedy, sounding more and more like a potential 2011 challenger to his fellow Republican, has offered his own plan to balance the state budget now estimated to be more than $100 million in the red. Kennedy said his 16-point plan would produce an overall savings of $2.6 billion.

The governor’s office, even as it was responding to the college presidents, launched a web page dedicated to criticizing Kennedy’s proposals, with Commissioner of Administration Paul Rainwater saying that the state treasurer’s ideas were “unworkable.” Kennedy angrily responded to Rainwater, saying, “Tell me you don’t want to do it. Tell me you don’t have the political courage to do it. But don’t tell me it can’t be done.”

When he became governor, Jindal increased the size of the Louisiana Board of Ethics by more than two-thirds, from 23 to 39 staff positions but now has directed the agency to cut staff by 35 percent. Ethics Board Chairman Frank Simoneaux said personnel cuts would be “particularly egregious to us.” He said the board already in understaffed for it to perform the duties it is charged by law to do.

Department of Health and Hospitals Secretary Bruce Greenstein sent an Oct. 22 agency-wide email in which he said Jindal was “committed to providing the core health-care services and programs that our residents need.” At the same time, however, Greenstein announced a reorganization that “will lead to a reduction in staff.”

Even as Greenstein was parroting Jindal’s commitment to needed health-care services, physicians and legislators alike leveled stinging criticism of Jindal’s decision last week to scrap CommunityCare, a program which mainly serves children in providing primary-care physicians for Medicaid patients throughout Louisiana. By eliminating the extra $3 per patient per month paid physicians to coordinate care of individual Medicaid patients, Jindal said he hopes to cut spending by $16 million.

Nor is the governor the only one to incur the wrath of some observers. The same growing feeling of general frustration was also directed at the legislature.

A Baton Rouge retiree offered a proposal which isn’t likely to get many takers. He suggested that whenever cuts are necessary, legislators should be first in line to sacrifice. Bill Fontaine of the Baton Rouge suburb of Central said that would mean that salaries, staff, perks, and any other costs of making the legislature run must be cut proportionate to any cuts to higher education. “….imagine the legislators working for free when there is no budget to pay them…..” he said.

“But you see,” he added, “I’m a pessimist about legislative courage. I don’t think they have the courage to forgo some pay and/or benefits for the good of the people. They are just cowards and greedy grabbers….”

Even the Associated Press is beginning to call attention to Jindal’s growing propensity to speak of Louisiana’s economy in more glowing terms than its citizens back home can see.

Saying that the governor seems more focused on his own political future than on problems back home, AP points out that Jindal conveniently leaves out the bad news about the state’s finances when describing his administration’s accomplishments during appearances in other states.

The latest example of Jindal’s apparent propensity to embellish his image of the state came as recently as Oct. 27 in Wisconsin.

Appearing on behalf of eventual winning gubernatorial candidate Scott Walker, Jindal and Governors Bob McDonnell of Virginia and Haley Barbour of Mississippi told Wisconsin voters that their strategies of cutting taxes and shrinking government worked in their states. Their pronouncements prompted Walker to call the three his inspiration when he is asked how he will create jobs and make government smaller. Calling them “great leaders,” Walker said, “They did it and we’re going to do it.”

Jindal boasted that Louisiana’s economy improved when he cut or repealed tax increases passed under his Democratic predecessor Kathleen Blanco, adding that Americans need leaders who can balance budgets, create jobs, and cut taxes. (Actually, the Stelly Plan to which he was apparently alluding, was passed in 2002, the final year of Republican Gov. Mike Foster’s administration.)

The “improved” economy of Louisiana is wrestling with the current budget deficit of $106 million. As if that were not sufficiently severe, next year’s deficit is pegged—by the Jindal administration itself—at $1.6 billion while others project an even bigger budgetary shortfall.

Back home in Louisiana, however, Jindal said it will be necessary for cabinet members and department heads to deliver better value with fewer dollars. “We don’t need whining. We do need leadership,” he said at a Capitol press conference. Then, apparently satisfied to leave the leadership to others, he immediately left for Pittsburgh to attend a fundraiser for the Republican gubernatorial candidate in Pennsylvania.

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