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Much like Alice’s observation in Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland, details surfacing about the proposed sale of 600,000 acre-feet (196 billion gallons) of water from the Toledo Bend Reservoir just gets curiouser and curiouser.

In attempting to follow the time line leading up to the issuance of a request for proposals (RFP) by the Sabine River Authority (SRA) and the sudden shelving of the water sale plan to private investors, events appear to be grotesquely out of sequence.

Sufficient questions exist to raise concerns over whether the SRA, at best, may have gotten the proverbial cart ahead of the horse and, at worst, the possibility that backroom deals may have been cut in anticipation of a financial windfall for investors and the SRA alike.

Toledo Bend Partners (TBP) initially approached SRA more than a year ago about purchasing the water for resale to Texas municipalities and at the SRA’s Water Sales Committee meeting on Jan. 19, 2011, SRA Executive Director Jim Pratt informed the committee that he had received a proposal for “an out-of-state water sales agreement from the Toledo Bend Partners, LLC.”

Pratt told the committee that TBP was offering to pay $3 million up front to reserve the water rights using a graduated pay scale over four years until the project was on online to actually take water. He added that TBP’s proposal was seeking to reserve 600,000 acre-feet of water from the reservoir and that the partnership would pay a $50,000 non-refundable application fee to help defray SRA legal costs.

Pratt also informed the committee that he had already spoken with attorney Marjorie McKeithen of the New Orleans law firm of Jones Walker about representing SRA during the sale negotiations with TBP.

TBP is a Delaware-chartered entity comprised of trusts and entities owned by Billy Joe “Red” McCombs of San Antonio, Donald T. “Boysie” Bollinger of Lockport and Aubrey Temple of Coushatta and their respective families. The principals and their families and business interests have combined to contribute more than $75,000 to the political campaign of Gov. Bobby Jindal.

Jones Walker, a firm with hundreds of attorneys in at least 14 offices in eight states and Washington, D.C., is also a big supporter of Jindal. The firm itself had eight contributions totaling $22,000 and Paul Cabon of Washington, D.C., the firm’s Director of Government Relations, and wife Susan had 12 more contributions to the Jindal campaign that totaled $28,300. Various other law firm partners also contributed between $500 and $1,000 each.

The committee voted unanimously to accept the $50,000 from TBP and to enter into a professional services contract “not to exceed $50,000” with Jones Walker “for legal counsel for the out-of-state water sales project.

Eight days later, at the Jan. 27, 2011 meeting of the full SRA Board of Commissioners, the Water Sale Committee’s actions were ratified, again unanimously and without discussion.

The board on Feb. 24, 2011, unanimously approved paying out-of-town travel expenses for commission Chairman Robert Conyer and Water Sale Committee Chairman Larry Kelly to attend negotiations for the out-of-state water sale.

That was six months before a letter from Jindal Chief of Staff Stephen Waguespack informing SRA that the governor’s signature would be required for the sale of water “outside the boundaries of the state of Louisiana.” Waguespack added that any sale would not be considered “unless it is, at a minimum, the product of a competitive RFP.”

Waguespack’s letter was dated Aug. 25, the same date that the SRA board voted unanimously to approve the water sale contract with TBP and to forward the signed contract to Jindal for his signature.

Those two documents apparently crossed in the mail because a month later, on Sept. 22, the SRA board, in a sudden reversal, unanimously authorized Water Sale Committee Chairman Larry Kelly, Pratt and SRA staff to prepare and issue the RFP—a month after first agreeing to and signing a contract to sell the water to TBP.

Several individuals and firms expressed an interest in purchasing the water and each was provided a copy of the RFP by mail except for TBP which had a representative pick up a copy of the RFP at SRA offices.

Despite the expressed interest of other entities, TBP subsequently was the lone bidder on the purchase of the water at a price of 28 cents per thousand gallons or $91.24 per acre-foot. That price is substantially lower than other localities where water sale prices range from $5.20 per thousand gallons ($1,700 per acre-foot) to $8.88 per thousand gallons ($2,903 per acre-foot).

Such a spread in the purchase price by TBP and market prices elsewhere would seem to set TBP principals up for substantial profits as middlemen, leaving unanswered the question of why the SRA could not issue an RFP and negotiate directly with the end users in order to enhance its financial bottom line.

If all this is not confusing enough, there is the business of a $10 million bond issue approved by the SRA in which the time line also appears to be out of sync.

The SRA ran the requisite legal advertisement on its intent to issue $10 million in revenue bonds on Sept. 7, 2011 even though the State Bond Commission had already approved the measure at its June 16 meeting in Baton Rouge—nearly three months before.

The legal advertisement said that the $10 million in revenue bonds to finance the acquisition of “any property or facilities which the Authority is authorized to acquire,” would be secured by the sale of water to industrial customers by the Sabine River Diversion System. The Diversion System sales water to the petrochemical industry in Southwest Louisiana and those sales are separate from the proposed purchase by TBP, according to SRA management consultant Carl Chance.

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The patient was doing great at one time. His health, once robust, was now rapidly deteriorating, largely the result of his own excesses and self-indulgent behavior.

So it was that preeminent surgeon Dr. J (not a basketball player by any means) was brought in for consultation. Immediate surgery was ordered and Dr. J’s crack team was summoned for the operation.

The team, the best available anywhere on the planet, was not cheap. It consisted of Dr. Davis, emergency preparedness, $165,000; Dr. Taffaro, director of recovery, $150,000; insurance coordinator Ellington, $150,000; revenue and finance coordinator Smith, $107,500; alcohol and tobacco intake monitor Dr. Hebert, $107,000; tax analyst Katz, $56,000; mobility monitor and de facto management team director Dr. N. Gautreaux (fee unknown) and members Powell and Smiley heading up the pardon committee in the event of any procedural screw-ups, $36,000 each; head nurse Teepell, $167,000 and damage control expert Plotkin, $90,000.

Once the team was assembled, the patient was wheeled into OR and Dr. J’s work was begun.

Dr. J: Give me some light here. We need more transparency.

OR nurse: Here you go, Doctor.

Dr. J.: No! Don’t shine the light on me! Put it on the patient.

Nurse Teepell: Nurse, you’re on report for such a violation of protocol.

Dr. J: We have a real mess here. Look, his lungs have far more air than is necessary to perform their function. That’s wasteful inefficiency.

Nurse Teepell: Yes, I can see that, sir.

Dr. J: We should be able to cut back to a single lung. Same with the kidneys.

Nurse Teepell: I concur.

Dr. J: And just look at that liver. It’s practically hemorrhaging bile. What could be causing that?

Nurse Teepell: It must be a malcontent. Better get rid of it.

Dr. J: Great idea. Let’s contract out the liver function.

OR Nurse: Doctor, a patient can’t survive without a liver.

Dr. J: Who’s performing this surgery? Did you go to medical school?

OR Nurse: No, Doctor, and I’m not sure you did either.

Nurse Teepell: That’s ENOUGH, nurse! Dr. J knows what he’s doing.

Dr. J: And just look at this heart. Four chambers? Why can’t we eliminate three chambers and have the heart do more with less?

OR NURSE: Doctor, I don’t think….

Dr. Davis: SILENCE! This is emergency surgery and I say Dr. J’s strategy has merit.

Dr. J: I’ll just start cutting right here….Whoa! Look at all that blood. It’s going everywhere!

Dr. Taffaro: We have to do something quickly.

Dr. J: I know: berms. Build berms.

Smith: With all due respect, doctor, berms will cost upwards of a quarter-million dollars. A clamp is only $12.

Dr. J: But I thought of berms first, so it’s gotta be berms. I want my berms. Can we get insurance to pay for it, Mr. Ellington?

Ellington: Sure. No problem. That would be FEMA, the Federal Emergency Medical Administration.

OR NURSE: But Doctor, that’s not what FEMA stands for and besides that, the berms are washing away as fast as you build them.

Dr. Gautreaux: Nurse, if you continue to defy change, you will suffer the wrath of my management team.

Dr. J: This patient is in terrible condition but I think we can save him by privatizing all of his internal organs. We can get millions for them and use the money to pay our salaries.

Nurse Teepell: Doctor, you’re a genius.

Dr. J: I know.

Ms. Katz: There should be an advantageous tax loophole for this strategy.

Nurse Teepell: There’s a ready market for lungs, kidneys, livers and brains. The only problem is there’s no one we know who wants a heart.

Dr. J: That could be a problem. We may have to pay someone to take the heart. What should that cost us?

Dr. Hebert: At least $68 million, but it could a risky management decision. If need be, we could up the ante to $74.8 million as an incentive. And whoever takes it probably won’t keep it very long. But we can get Mr. Plotkin to say it’ll save $200 million in the long run.

OR Nurse: Doctor, I’m not getting a reading on the monitor. I think we’ve lost the patient.

The OR is eerily still for several seconds. Finally, voices interrupt the silence.

Powell: Uh-oh.

Smiley: Can’t you order him not to die?

Dr. J: Well, I suppose we could replace him with a consultant.

Nurse Teepell: Brilliant, sir!

Dr. J: I know.

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“Tell me who would be better qualified to do what I am doing. I have 24 years of experience working with the legislature. I don’t see this is as ‘Good Old Boy.’ I feel that I am just more qualified than most people would be to do this job.”

–Former State Rep. Noble Ellington of Winnsboro, justifying his appointment to a $150,000 per year position as second in command at the Louisiana Department of Insurance despite his having virtually no background in the insurance industry (other than serving on the House Insurance Committee).

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In the course of covering state government it is sometimes easy to overlook the good that elected officials do.

After having criticized the administration for hiring former legislators, some at six-figure salaries in the wake of the state’s financial plight, we got to reflecting that we may not have been entirely kind to ex-lawmakers fortunate enough to find themselves in the good graces of Gov. Bobby Jindal.

After all, why would state employees who are facing massive layoffs begrudge these former lawmakers the opportunity to fatten their retirement and benefit packages by going on the public dole as political appointees even as the governor shamelessly boasts of reducing the number of state employees?

And so far, we haven’t even mentioned the Jindal appointment of former St. Tammany Parish President Kevin Davis (term limited and lost his race for lieutenant governor) as the new Director of the Governor’s Office of Homeland Security and Emergency Preparedness (GOHSEP) at $165,000 per year or his appointment of former St. Bernard Parish President Craig Taffaro (who lost his re-election bid: did his constituents know something Jindal does not?) as the new Director of Hazard Mitigation and Recovery (whatever that may entail) at a tidy salary of $150,000 per year.

So, in the interest of fairness, we thought it a good idea to cite important legislation sponsored by these public servants while still in office.

Let’s start with former Rep. Noble Ellington of Winnsboro, who doubled his last year in office as national president of the American Legislative Exchange Council, that super-secret organization that spoon-feeds proposed legislation to lawmakers in all 50 states.

When his 24-year legislative career ended in January, he was quickly awarded a $150,000-a-year job as the second in command to Commissioner of Insurance and Jindal ally Jim Donelon. (We say ally because the governor generously contributed to Donelon’s re-election campaign last year.)

Here is a sample of legislation introduced by Ellington during his final three years in office:

(Note: HB stands for House Bill; SB for Senate Bill, HR for House Resolution and SR for Senate Resolution. HCR means House Concurrent Resolution and SCR Senate Concurrent Resolution. Resolutions, it should be noted, have no power of law.)

• HB—Creates the Louisiana Entrepreneurial Assistance and Development (LEAD) program for $37.5 million in venture capital tax credits;

• HR—Asks the federal government to refrain from regulating Internet Broadband services. (This was rendered moot when Jindal failed to apply for a federal grant to place broadband internet in rural areas of the state.);

• HCR—Commends a Louisiana Political Hall of Fame inductee;

• HR—Recognizes June 1, 2011, as 4-H Day at the capitol;

• HR—Commends House chaplain for his commitment;

• HB—Creates the Caldwell Parish Tourist Commission;

• HB—Allows a local sewerage district to increase per diem for the district’s board of supervisors;

• HB—Does the same for a local water district;

• HB—Phases in sales and use tax exemptions for certain manufacturers;

• HR—Commends a constituent on her 100th birthday;

• HR—Commends local constituent upon his selection as chairman of the National Propane Gas Association (Hank Hill, perhaps?);

• HB—Provides for the Economic Development Award program;

• HCR—requests the Department of Transportation and Development (DOTD) to designate a bridge in Harrisburg as the Veterans Memorial Bridge;

• HB—adds parishes with populations of between 10,000 and 11,000 (That seems awfully specific.) to requirement that tax assessors must pay premium costs of certain insurance coverage for employees.

Former State Rep. Jane Smith of Bossier City (defeated in her run for a Senate seat after being term-limited in the House, she landed on her feet with a $107,500-per-year position as deputy secretary in the Department of Revenue (to go with her $64,000 annual teaching retirement annual income) despite no prior experience or qualifications for the position:

• HB—Extends deadline for applying for tax credits under Louisiana Quality Jobs Program;

• HB—Authorizes the Board of Elementary and Secondary Education (BESE) to exempt the Recovery School District (RSD) from certain laws and regulations;

• HCR—Commends the Bossier High School basketball team for winning state championship;

• HR—Commends constituent for outstanding accomplishments;

• HCR—Asks Congress to maintain incentives for mid-level oil and gas exploration and production;

• HB—Provides tax credits for clean-burning motor vehicles;

• HB—Exempts gasoline sold on military installations from state gasoline tax;

• HB—Provides special homestead exemption assessment level for veterans who are disabled and 75 years of age or older;

• HCR—Commends constituent for outstanding accomplishments;

• HCR—Recognizes Louisiana Society of Professional Surveyors Day at Capitol;

• HR—Commends constituent on 90th birthday;

Former State Sen. Troy Hebert of Jeanerette, who was term-limited, resigned in November of 2010 to accept Jindal’s appointment as Commissioner of the Louisiana Alcohol and Tobacco Control Board at $107,00 per year. His legislative work seemed to concentrate on a running feud he had with a local district attorney:

• SB—Provided that the district attorney for the 16th Judicial District Court (JDC) could not pay for continuing legal education (CLE) courses for his assistants;

• SB—Would have created new judicial districts out of the 16th JDC;

• SB—Provided that if a “certain district attorney” left office voluntarily before the end of his term, his first assistant would be ineligible to run in the ensuing election;

• SB—Requested Legislative Auditor to conduct audit of 16th JDC;

• SB—Provides relative to distribution of revenues in the 16th JDC;

• SB—Constitutional Amendment to change term limits for “certain elected officials” and the percentage of vote required for eligibility to serve successive terms of office;

• SB—Allows the possession of firearms on certain public lands;

Former State Rep. Kay Katz of Monroe, term-limited and unable to run again, was appointed by Jindal to a $56,000-per-year job as a member of the Louisiana Tax Commission. At least her legislative resumé bore some relevance to taxes:

• HB—Exempts retirement income for those 65 or older from state individual income tax;

• HB—Increases individual income tax exemption on retirement income;

• HR—Directs the Department of Health and Hospitals (DHH) to study privatization of certain psychiatric forensic facilities;

• HCR—Asks Congress to halt EPA regulation of carbon dioxide emissions;

• HCR—Asks Congress to postpone EPA regulation of greenhouse gas emissions;

• HR—Commends Louisiana Dental Association for achievements and designates Dentists’ Day at the Louisiana Legislature;

• HR—Commends dental hygienists for outstanding contributions to oral health and recognizes Dental Hygiene Day;

• HCR—Commends Neville High School football team for winning state championship;

• HCR—Commends Rudy Macklin on retirement of his basketball jersey number by LSU;

• HR—Recognizes Capitol Day for the Cure;

• HR—Commends the Louisiana Psychological Association and designates Louisiana Psychological Association Day at the Louisiana Legislature;

• HR—Commends Louisiana Occupational Therapy Association for achievements and designates Louisiana Occupational Therapy Association Dat at the Legislature;

• HR—Commends constituent for her election as president of Quota International.

Former Sen. Nick Gautreaux of Meaux resigned from the Senate in December 2010 to accept Jindal’s appointment as Commissioner of the Office of Motor Vehicles. (We were unable to learn his salary.) Already considered by some as arrogant, he sent an email to his employees that said that individuals “who continue to defy change will suffer the wrath of my management team.” At least that seems to fit the Jindal M.O. Some of his finer legislative efforts:

• SB—Calls for constitutional amendment to provide that no local tax may be passed unless one-third of registered voters cast ballots;

• SB—Phases out the tax on incomes of individuals, estates and trusts (filed in multiple years);

• SB—Calls for constitutional amendment to allow non-recurring revenues to be used to give tax refunds to anyone required to file a Louisiana individual income tax return (filed in multiple years);

• SB—Grants transferable tax credit up to $450,000 per system for construction or installation of certain energy systems;

• Former Rep. Henry “Tank” Powell of Ponchatoula, who has been out of office for four years now, was recently appointed by Jindal to the State Pardon Board at $36,000 per year. Some of his legislative pearls:

• HB—Provides for the powers of the Ponchatoula chief of police;

• HB—Provides for appointments to the Crab Task Force;

• HCR—Recognizes American Legion Auxiliary Poppy Month;

• HCR—Commends the Patient Relations Section of the LSU Health Care Services Division;

• HB—Increases crab gear license fees and dedicates the increase to the enhancement of the crab industry;

• HB—Allows the Hammond city marshal to use fees to defray office expenses;

• HB—Creates the Louisiana Aquatic Chelonian Research and Promotion Board.

Former State Rep. M.J. “Mert” Smiley, who is the tax assessor-elect for Ascension Parish, but who won’t take office until January of 2013, was also appointed to a $36,000-per-year position on the pardon board by Jindal. More than anything else, Smiley is noted for asking in a legislative committee meeting if a state agency could order employees not to leave for other jobs. Among his legislative passions:

• HB would allow a municipality to retain its classification as a village even if population changes of less than 200 would otherwise classify it as a town;

• HB—Allows minors at least 16 years of age to donate blood with parental consent;

• HB—Merges the Fertilizer Commission and the Louisiana Feed Commission;

• HCR—Commends constituent for outstanding accomplishments;

• HCR—Commends retiring parish school superintendent;

• HCR—Commends a church pastor in Smiley’s home district;

• HB—Transfers the state motorcycle safety, awareness and operator training program from the Department of Education to Public Safety and Corrections;

• HR—Commends the Gonzales Boat Club on its 50th anniversary;

• HR—Commends local constituent on her 95th birthday.

There you have it. Never let it be said that we are hesitant to show what these appointees have contributed to the continued well-being of the citizens of Louisiana.

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BATON ROUGE (CNS)—The 2012 legislative session is only weeks away and already the bills are piling. We thought we’d get a jump on last year with an early edition of our (second) annual “Seriously, are our legislators really spending time on this?” edition.

With the issues facing the state—privatization, education reform, stealing contractual retirement benefits from state employees, budgetary shortfalls, and the coercion of college presidents to keep a muzzle on their administrators and professors—one might expect the 144 legislators to be a bit more focused.

One would be mistaken.

Accordingly, we are breaking up this year’s edition into at least two installments—maybe more, depending on just how silly it gets before the deadline for filing bills.

And, having said that, here we go:

HB 25 by Rep. Henry Burns (R-Haughton): Establishes an exemption to the subject matter exam for licensed arborists who apply for a landscape, grading and beautification building contractors’ license in order to perform certain arborist work. Don’t let Gov. Bobby Jindal know about this or he’ll build an arborist charter school.

HB 48 by Rep. Lance Harris (R-Alexandria): Creates the crime of theft of copper and other metals. Don’t we already have laws to cover that?

HB 64 by Rep. Bob Hensgens (R-Abbeville): Prohibits the false personation of a firefighter. We don’t care if it is your house; put down that water hose and move away from the fire.

HB 88 by Hensgens: Prohibits political uses of public payroll withholdings and deductions. If this passes, you can look for Jindal to veto pronto.

HB 75 by Rep. Sherman Q. Mack (R-Livingston): Creates the crime of failure to report a missing or deceased child. See HB 48.

HB 84 by Rep. Austin J. Badon (D-New Orleans), Jr.: Repeals the governor’s authority to grant pardons to persons convicted of offenses against the state and repeals statutory authority for the Board of Pardons. Would arbitrarily slashing civil service retirement benefits be considered an offense against the state? We’re just sayin’.

HB 107 by Rep. Clifton Richardson (R-Baton Rouge): Creates the Hampton Village Crime Prevention and Improvement District within East Baton Rouge Parish. Considering there are multiple shooting deaths each week in Baton Rouge, why limit this to affluent, mostly white Hampton Village?

HB 109 by Rep. Simone Champagne (R-Erath): Repeals provision relative to the production and marketing of livestock. And all this time we thought there was only one way to produce livestock.

HB110 by Champagne: Changes the name of a certain animal disease. That should solve the problem; if the animal can’t find the virus because the name changed, then it won’t get sick.

HB 120 by Rep. Joseph P. Lopinto III (R-Metairie): Removes the requirement that the operator of an electric chair be present at every execution of a death sentence. Operator of an electric chair? Is this a throwback to railroad featherbedding? Louisiana last used the electric chair on July 22, 1991. We use lethal injection now. Is that “operator” still around? Seriously? As an aside, Louisiana and Mississippi once had portable electric chairs. “We deliver in 30 minutes or your next execution is free” was the states’ motto.

HB 148 by Rep. Jim Morris (R-Oil City): Precludes a person owes a past due debt to the municipality from running for mayor or alderman in a Lawrason Act municipality. That’s awfully specific but it does provide inspiration for the possibility of more bills to limit candidate qualifications.

HB 151 by Rep. Cameron Henry (R-Metairie): Removes the exemptions for political calls, thereby requiring political robocalls to obtain copies of the “Do Not Call” listing and to be subject to all other current law requirements. Now that’s a bill we can support. Who let this guy in, anyway?

HB 161 by Rep. Harold Richie (D-Bogalusa): Establishes a continuing education program for embalmers and funeral directors. Why? It’s not like the customers are going to complain.

HB 162 by Rep. Jerry Gisclair (D-Larose): Requires drivers to use headlights when driving through a tunnel. How requiring all drivers to just use their heads?

SB 85 by Sen. Daniel Martiny (R-Metairie): Requires voter approval before local governing authorities may impose civil fines for traffic violations captured by automatic traffic enforcement systems. The camera got me? I vote no.

SB 87 by Sen. Sherri Smith Buffington: Re-creates the Department of Health and Hospitals. Didn’t Jindal already privatize that department?

SB 101 by Sen. Elbert Guillory (D-Opelousas): Increases the number of days that games of chance may be conducted. Games of chance: that would be the jobs with the Office of Risk Management, the Office of Group Benefits, public schools, state prisons, DHH and state employees whose retirements are years away.

That’s it for now, but it for certain there will be many more in the days to come and to paraphrase Frasier Crane, we’re watching.

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