Gross Ignorance and the Louisiana Legislature
In keeping with the imminent opening of the 2010 Louisiana legislative session on March 29, today’s civics lesson will consider the origins of the term gross ignorance.
Anyone in commercial shipping, purchasing, or inventory knows that a gross is a dozen dozen, or 144. So how does that translate to gross ignorance and what could it possibly have to do with the approaching session?
Simple. There are 144 members of the Louisiana Legislature. Next question.
As of close of business on March 19, more than 1200 bills had been pre-filed for consideration in this year’s session. There likely will be hundreds more before the opening gavel. Many of these same bills pop up every year and are summarily killed in committee.
There are also many bills that overlap or which are redundant. And even as legislators deplore overcrowded conditions in the state’s prisons, each successive year finds a glut of bills by pro-law-and-order legislators seeking to impose stricter penalties on a wide range of crimes which, if passed, would—you guessed it—add to prison overcrowding.
Then there are the bills that are self-serving at best and inane at worst. But even the occasional bill that has merit might be misunderstood if one goes only by the summary provided by the House in the list of bills pre-filed so far. These are the ones we will look at today. Here are the verbatim summaries in italics, followed by my comments. You are free to write your own.
HB8: Provides for the disposal of noncontraband unclaimed property seized in certain criminal investigations. “You take the Rolex; I’ll take the BMW….”
HB16: Provides for the certification of concealed handgun permit instructors. Why would we want to certify a concealed instructor?
HB22: Deletes the requirement that all witnesses to the execution of a death sentence shall be Louisiana citizens. We believe Texans could learn from us.
HB26: Creates the crime of simple battery during a parade. As opposed to, say, during an opera?
HB101: Provides term limits for judges, district attorneys, and sheriffs. Some of those should be limited to zero terms.
HB103: Creates the crime of unlawfully wearing clothing which exposes undergarments or certain body parts. About time someone criminalized bad taste. But you still can’t fix stupid.
HB112: Creates the crime of obstructing a law enforcement officer. Obviously, this legislator has never watched COPS.
HB133: Provides relative to the authority of members of the legislature to attend meetings of public bodies. Like maybe legislative committee meetings and floor sessions?
HB135: Provides sanctions for frivolous appeals and writ applications. How about filing frivolous bills?
HB149: Authorizes per diem for the members of the St. Helena Parish Tourist Commission. Has any tourist ever set foot in St. Helena Parish? On purpose?
HB155: Allows a ticket to an athletic contest of an institution of higher education to be sold for more than face value in certain situations. Like when a legislator has a schedule conflict and wants to unload his primo tickets.
HB159: Prohibits governing authorities from imposing civil fines for traffic violations without a vote of the people. This bill was withdrawn before its author was totally embarrassed.
HB211: Allows off-road vehicles to be operated on state college and university streets. This would be right after the keg party at the frat house.
HB212: Authorizes a federal judge to perform a marriage ceremony for a specified limited time period. Marriage ceremonies have always been too long anyway.
HB256: Prohibits the Port of New Orleans from expanding its territorial jurisdiction. Like to, say, Dry Prong.
HB257: Provides relative to academic tutoring for certain student athletes in public elementary and secondary schools. Elementary schools? Really?
HB261: Re-creates the Department of State. Hillary will be happy to know this.
HB270: Provides for additional tuition charges on a per-hour basis. Would a student get a rebate for cutting class?
HB271: Creates the crime of illegally selling urine or adulterants to circumvent screening tests. A guy would hate do this only to learn that tests showed he was pregnant.
HB296: Allows a public servant to accept certain gifts for customary social occasions. This would put civil servants on an equal footing with legislators who never gave up the gifts.
HB298: Allows persons riding bicycles upon a roadway, which includes an improved shoulder, the option of riding on the improved shoulder. As opposed to the ditch?
HB301: Grants the Louisiana Tax Commission the authority to manage its own budget, procurement, and general management and operational functions. Finally! The agency that takes our tax money is going to be trusted with handling its own finances. Beautiful.
HB312: Allows minors at least 16 years of age to donate blood with parental consent. In our day, that was called discipline.
HB320: Provides for the confiscation and destruction of a criminal instrument. That should take care of my neighbor’s guitar.
HB348: Amends penalties imposed for a convicted felon in possession of a firearm. Be careful, he’s armed.
HB350: Increases fine for seat belt violations. Just how does one go about violating a seat belt?
HB356: Designates an overpass. Okay, it’s an overpass.
HB361: Creates the crime of battery of a health care provider. See HB 26 above.
HB364: Provides relative to the Horsemen’s Workers’ Compensation Program. Wait. What?
HB369: Authorizes DOTD (Department of Transportation and Development) to use monies from the Transportation Trust Fund to fund ferries that are not connected to state roads. Everybody knows that in Louisiana, you have to be connected to get funded.
HB372: Repeals provisions relative to speed limits on I-10 in St. Tammany Parish. What, are they also going to rename it Autobahn II?
HB374: Limits fines imposed for traffic offenses captured by automated traffic enforcement systems. Guess who got busted?
HB380: Provides for the definition of “rural hospital.” That would be a facility where Jethro Bodine is the brain surgeon and they use a real live Labrador for lab tests and a real live cat for CAT scans.
HB396: Provides for changes to the Louisiana Underground Utilities and Facilities Damage Prevention Law. For starters, make the name shorter.
HB419: Requires law enforcement officials to undergo training on the use of tasers. Aren’t they proficient enough already?
HB421: Provides relative to the authority of a local school board to deny admission or readmission to school of certain students.
HB422: Provides relative to children exempted from the compulsory school attendance law. That would be the students from HB421 above.
HB469: Provides for additional processing fees relative to the expungement of arrest records. Okay, we’re gonna clear your record on that false arrest but it’s gonna cost you.
HB470: Prohibits a person 70 years old or older from qualifying for elective office. You may want to take a hard look at those under 70 as well.
HB496: Merges the Fertilizer Commission and the Louisiana Feed Commission. If there’s anything the legislature should know about, it’s fertilizer.
HB529: Requires instruction with respect to sex education in public schools. Let’s not go there.
HB566: Requires disclosure by certain officials of information relative to employment and appointment of campaign contributors. This could be a real sticky wicket.
HB574: Prohibits certain pest control operators from providing services.
HB609: Provides with respect to the crime of home invasion. Would this be the pest or the pest control operator from HB574?
HB594: Provides for traffic regulation of intersection when traffic control signal is inoperative. There’s a law for that already; it’s called a four-way stop.
HB606: Provides for the prohibition of swine running at large. There’s a joke there but it’s better left unsaid.
HB636: Authorizes free and unhampered passage on the Tomey J. Doucet Bridge for certain emergency vehicles of the Town of Grand Isle. Have they actually been charging ambulances a fee? Must be where they got the idea for that toll booth scene in Blazing Saddles.
HB647: Allows publicly owned fire trucks with fire apparatuses to use blue lights. Deep down, those guys have always wanted to be cops.
HB689: Provides for fraudulent practices during an auction. If anyone would know how to provide for fraudulent practices, it would be the legislature.
HB700: Exempts church camps from enforcement of building code standards. I see a problem with this. Seriously.
HB705: Requires public entities to give preference to state banks. Are there any left?
HB731: Provides a public records exception for certain confidential reports made to the Board of Ethics. Uh, wouldn’t that be unethical?
HB770: Requires each public college and university to readmit its graduates, without charging tuition and fees, if such a graduate cannot find or looses employment because his degree did not prepare him for employment in a profession related to his degree. How about free tuition to legislators who don’t know the difference between the proper usages of looses and loses?
HB779: Provides relative to the Horsemen’s Benevolent Program Association. Just what in the name of Beelzebub is the Horsemen’s Benevolent Program Association?
HB827: Provides for changes for the disbursement of monies collected for the Horsemen’s Benevolent and Protective Association. Them again? And this time it’s a protective association.
HB859: Prohibits certain traffic cameras on highways that receive public funding. Someone else got busted.
HB867: Provides for the reduction of a defendant’s sentence for substantial assistance in an investigation or prosecution. I’ll talk if you let me walk. What’s wrong with this picture?
HB969: Provides relative to qualifications for election as a member on a school board. A high school diploma would be a good start.
HB1010: Provides for alternate means of proof that paper is manufactured in the state. Say what?
HB1086: Provides relative to an organ donation opt-out program. I want my Kidney back.
HB1124: Requires notices of deficiencies. Uh, can you be just a bit vaguer?
HB1130: Creates the Louisiana Performance Horse Promotion Act. Again with the horses already?
HB1147: Prohibits a policyholder from allowing any person excluded from liability coverage to drive the covered vehicle.
HB1148: Prohibits the exclusion of any person from coverage under a motor vehicle liability policy. The last two bills were authored by the same legislator.
Now you understand the meaning and the origins of the term gross ignorance.
We hope to offer lessons in political rationale and progressive legislative in the future, but that prospect remains in doubt.
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