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Okay, after much deliberation, soul-searching, and with encouragement from family and friends (and co-workers who just want me go somewhere, anywhere else), it is with tongue planted firmly in cheek that I announce my candidacy for governor of the gret stet of looziana.

I am offering my services with a fairly simple no-frills platform. Some of the individual planks in my platform are certain to offend some very influential people—and that’s a good thing. So, without fanfare, frills or equivocation, and with the promise of no compromise, here is that platform:

No out-of-state campaigning for any Democrat or Republican candidate. My first responsibility will be to the citizens of Louisiana, not some two-faced, lying parasite who has never held a real job. Besides, I’m an independent. Plus, I don’t trust any politician. And no out-of-state travel for book signings, either;

Merge several universities and junior colleges throughout the state and convert some four-year schools to junior college status. Failing that, at least merge some of the programs—such as the law schools at Southern University and LSU in Baton Rouge. With the help of a reluctant legislature, this will cut duplication in athletic scholarships, salaries of coaches and university administrators, and in replicated programs;

Turn over all operations of the Governor’s Office of Homeland Security (otherwise known as the Governor’s Patronage Department) to the State Police where it was originally and should be again. If you recall, the administration pushed through a constitutional amendment in October that changed the Office of Homeland Security from classified (civil service) to non-classified (appointive) so that Homeland Security employees may receive any size pay raise the administration deems appropriate. Civil service employees, meanwhile, have their merit raises frozen indefinitely;

Eliminate the lieutenant governor’s office and assign the duties of that office to the secretary of state. Hey, it worked with the elections commission;

Have the Office of Contractual Review do its job by reviewing ALL contracts, including consulting contracts, to determine need;

Use the governor’s line-item veto to cut wasteful spending and to balance the state budget instead of laying off employees who have families to support, college tuition and home mortgages to pay, and who need health insurance;

In lieu of layoffs, offer state employees the option of accepting a pay cut of 7.5 to 10% for those making $50,000 to $100,000; 15% for those making up to $200,000; 20% for salaries of $200,000 to $300,000, and 25% for anyone making more than $300,000. Most employees would opt for a pay cut if it meant saving their jobs but sadly, the present administration has never even considered this option. Legislators would also be required to take a 25% cut. In fact, cut cabinet level salaries altogether;

Sell off all state golf courses. No additional explanation necessary;

Revisit the sacred Homestead Exemption (see? It’s even capitalized.);

Increase tobacco and alcohol taxes to at least the national average. If people are going to kill themselves with their indulgences, at least make ‘em pay for the privilege and make ‘em pay for the use of our charity hospital system when they develop catastrophic illnesses related to their vices;

Pass a constitutional amendment that future budget cuts, when necessary, won’t affect education or health care (someone needs to do this.);

Block computer games and internet access to legislators on Senate and House floors during legislative sessions;

Require all lobbyists to register with the Secretary of State (they already register with the House Speaker, but that’s too close to the center of power) and assess a hefty registration fee for all lobbyists except for non-profits;

Discontinue publishing legislative acts and other legal news in the Baton Rouge newspaper. This practice is cost prohibitive now that we have the free internet;

Enact a tough ethics code with real teeth. Bar any gifts to legislators, including meals, drinks, parties, etc. Any lobbyist violating said act shall be subject to severe fines and shall be barred from all future legislative sessions. Any legislator violating said act shall be subject to heavy fines and forfeiture of legislative pay for duration of his/her term of office.

Consolidate investigative agencies. Louisiana currently has five investigative agencies: the attorney general’s office, the ethics commission, the inspector general, the state police investigation program and the legislative auditor. Total budget for the five agencies: $55 million. Because the present administration has already gutted, stripped, and otherwise neutered the ethics commission. I suggest the state police absorb the auditor’s office, the inspector general, and ethics commission and that any investigations now pending with the latter three agencies be turned over to the state police. You may have noticed that the attorney general was left out of the loop. That’s because the AG is elected and as such, is a politician and not to be trusted with any investigation of state officials.

There you have it: my complete platform. Oh, wait. There is one more: No campaign contributions shall be accepted from any person, organization, foundation, PAC, or lobbyist.

I guess I should go ahead and write my concession speech now.

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Political ads normally don’t generate much excitement among voters because for the most part, they are disingenuous at best and packed with blatant lies and half-truths at worst.

But there was a series of ads in Kentucky that can be found by connecting to the links below. In the first two ads, Republican challenger Mitch McConnell attempts to “find” the missing incumbent Democrat U.S. Sen. Walter Huddleston whom McConnell paints as AWOL on several key votes. Huddleston, it seems, is too busy making speeches to tend to the more mundane matters of Senate votes.

A team of bloodhounds is employed in futile attempts to locate the missing Huddleston in such places as Los Angeles hotels and on the beaches of Puerto Rico, places where Huddleston allegedly received generous speaking fees. That was in 1984 and McConnell defeated Huddleston.

Now fast forward to 2008 and Democrat Bruce Lunsford reprises the bloodhound ads and uses them against McConnell in an unsuccessful bid to unseat the four-term Republican.

Here are the links:

Perhaps this same tactic could be employed to find our own AWOL governor.

LSU student body President J. Ryan Hudson, he of the timely letter to the missing Gov. Jindal, could lead a team of bloodhounds out of the front gates of the university as he calls out, “Piyush, Piyush, where are you? Please come home.”

As a determined Hudson trudges through swamps and across Louisiana’s prairies, he encounters military veterans with recently-awarded medals given them by Jindal, but no Jindal. “He came through here, pinned this medal on me, said something really fast, and disappeared,” the veterans say, shaking their heads and adding, “That boy sure talks fast. Couldn’t understand half of what he said.”

Hudson labors on, going from church to church in north Louisiana only to find over and over that, “Yes, the governor was here. He popped in during our services, passed out some checks, and left.”

The bloodhounds pick up the governor’s scent at helicopter pads located near the governor’s mansion in Baton Rouge, but now he’s off to Florida, New Hampshire, New York, Missouri, Georgia, California, Ohio, Minnesota, Pennsylvania, and Iowa where he delivers staccato endorsements of fellow Republicans while condemning the federal stimulation money that he accepted anyway and then heads off to another fundraiser in yet another state.

Hudson, realizing the dogs are exhausted and in grave peril of suffering the same fate as the bloodhound in the classic movie “Cool Hand Luke,” finally gives up in the realization that Jindal may have the job he wants, but without a Hurricane Gustav or a major oil spill, he becomes bored rather quickly and must seek other venues to get valuable face time with the television cameras.

Reluctantly, he takes the bloodhounds home and returns to LSU to witness, along with the combined student bodies, administrators, and professors at all of Louisiana’s universities, the dismantling of Louisiana higher education in the interest of transparency. Meanwhile, Piyush can be heard from somewhere far away, as if through the fog of a bad dream, telling us to stop whining.

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J. Ryan Hudson made the most of his 15 minutes.

Just in case you haven’t been paying attention lately, J. Ryan Hudson is the LSU Student Body president who wrote the now-famous op-ed letter to the Keene (New Hampshire) Sentinel in which he opined that Gov. Bobby Jindal “is spending more time in your state than the one he was elected to represent.”

As class sizes at LSU have grown, higher education has undergone $280 million in budget cuts over the past two years and is facing another $290 million in cutbacks, prompting Hudson to write that Jindal should pay more attention to state budget shortfalls than spending time campaigning for Republican candidates in other states.

“On behalf of the students whose hopes for a brighter future will soon be crushed, I beg you to return to Louisiana and fix your state’s serious problems,” Hudson said. “You’ve neglected your constituents long enough.

“You’ll have a much better chance of becoming president if you save, instead of destroy, Louisiana’s universities,” he said, implying that Jindal may have a not-so-secret agenda aimed at seeking higher office.

To be sure, Hudson’s letter was brash, maybe a little rude, and certainly timely.

And, sadly, all too accurate.

Jindal, rather than anchoring himself to the Capitol’s fourth floor office, chooses to globetrot on behalf of Republican candidates most in Louisiana have never heard of while refusing to endorse Republican candidates in Louisiana. One can understand his reluctance to speak out in favor of David Vitter in his Senate race against Charlie Melancon given Vitter’s political baggage, but Secretary of State Jay Dardenne can’t wrangle an endorsement from Jindal even though Dardenne’s TV spots stress his wish to work with Jindal in promoting the governor’s programs.

Even more difficult to comprehend is Jindal’s reluctance to tackle state finances head-on. After all, hasn’t he been telling us over and over that he has the job he wants? If that’s true, then he should stay home and do that job.

Oh, sure, he pays lip service to reducing, or streamlining, state government. But as the state budget turns an ever-darkening shade of red, he stands adamant in his refusal to address a tax increase in the wake of dwindling state revenues.

Tax increases are never pleasant, especially with statewide elections only a year away, but neither is the prospect of a state becoming insolvent. That’s a very real prospect.

And Jindal, along with an out-of-control legislature, must shoulder the blame. The state had money, but the legislature, drunk with one-time revenue, went spend-crazy this year and Jindal wouldn’t—or couldn’t—summon the courage to rein in the insanity with his line item veto power.

Time magazine describes half the states as having joined the federal government “in the fiscal sick ward” as high unemployment and the recession combined with drastically reduced income to deliver a weakened economy that appears at times to be spiraling out of control.

Barely into its new fiscal year, Louisiana is already facing a $100 million deficit, thanks to depressed oil prices and reduced tax revenues, the magazine said. To deal with the crisis, the state has frozen hiring, deferred maintenance on state buildings and canceled $500,000 in new equipment. Legislators, meanwhile, are talking tax increases. “We’ve run out of windfall from Washington,” the state budget director lamented. “We’ve run out of exotic tax measures. Our economy has run out of gas, and in Louisiana, when you run out of gas, you run out of money.”

Sound familiar? The by now all too familiar theme should resonate with anyone who follows Louisiana politics.

But that story actually ran in Time on Nov. 8, 1982—almost exactly 28 ominously prophetic years ago when Ralph Perlman was budget director and Dave Treen was governor. Louisiana has held seven elections and has chosen five new governors since then. The more things change, it seems, the more they stay the same.

Today, nearly three decades after that story, Louisiana is wrestling with a $108 million budget deficit less than four months into the 2011 fiscal year than began on July 1. Even worse, the administration is anticipating a staggering projected shortfall of up to $2 billion next year.

It’s not as if the administration and legislators were not forewarned: Greg Albrecht, the chief economist for the Legislative Fiscal Office, said in May that he didn’t expect state income tax revenue to meet earlier forecasts.

Now, Gov. Bobby Jindal finds himself trying to find a way to cut state budgets yet another 35 percent—when he’s in the state, which is becoming more and more infrequent. Some legislators said they see the present fiscal malaise as a chance to downsize government in lieu of falling back on the usual accounting tricks to balance the budget.

Sen. John Alario, D-Westwego, called the situation “a grand opportunity for us to scale back government.” Alario, the legislator primarily responsible for the often-criticized state’s $22 million purchase of the financially troubled Players Tournament Club golf facility in Marrero, said downsizing “could never be done if you didn’t have to be faced with this situation.”

Jindal, in lieu of raising taxes, seems intent on slashing higher education and health care. Meanwhile, he keeps popping up in Florida, New Hampshire, New York, Missouri, Georgia, California, Ohio, and Minnesota to campaign for GOP candidates.

Legislators say the anticipated budgets will close hospitals for the poor and cripple higher education while college presidents call the proposed cuts “catastrophic.” Former Gov. Kathleen Blanco says a 35 percent cut would effectively shut down government services and that education would undergo a “meltdown to mediocrity.”

Jindal says spending cuts are preferable to higher taxes and that additional privatization may be in store as a means to save the state money.

He missed his chance to cut spending at the end of the last regular legislative session when he could have exercised his line item veto power to bring the Capital Outlay bill more into line. He had the opportunity to veto more than $450 million in Priority One spending but chose to veto only $9.4 million—all in Priority Two, or second year spending. Among the Priority One appropriations in the Capital Outlay Bill that were allowed to stand were:

• $800,000 for land acquisition for the proposed Allen Parish Reservoir;
• $1.4 million for the proposed Bayou Dechene Reservoir in Caldwell Parish;
• $2.6 million for the Washington Parish Reservoir Commission Feasibility study;
• $17.2 million for Bayou Segnette Festival Park land acquisition and sports complex improvements;
• $28 million for modifications to the Performing Arts Center in Jefferson Parish;
• $2 million for construction of a playground Basketball Gym in Orleans Parish;
• $1.8 million for construction of the Little Theatre of Shreveport;
• $2.6 million for a new Westbank YMCA in Algiers;
• $2 million for the New Orleans Music Hall of Fame;
• $6 million for construction of a new courthouse in Baton Rouge;
• $2.8 million for the Dryades YMCA in New Orleans;
• $5.4 million for the Red River Waterway Commission;
• $7.7 million for the renovation of the Acadiana Center for the Arts in Lafayette;
• $2.5 million for improvements to the Coteau Water System in St. Martin and Iberia parishes;
• $2.4 million for the Union Parish Law Enforcement District;
• $1.8 million for construction for the Robinson Film Center in Caddo Parish;
• $12 million for construction of a convention center complex in Shreveport;
• $3.8 million for a new tennis center in Orleans Parish;
• $4.7 million for construction of the Louisiana Artist Guild Arts Incubator in New Orleans;
• $26.5 million for expansion and construction of the National World War II Museum in New Orleans;

Millions more were spent on construction projects that included recreational facilities, councils on aging, courthouses, sheriffs’ offices, jails, drainage projects, work on parish and municipal road and street construction projects, community centers, and water systems.

As if that were not enough, when legislators found extra money lying around, as they always seem to do during each legislative session, the House quickly pushed HB 76 through, appropriating an additional $33 million in local pork projects. Some of those expenditures:

• $150,000 for the Louisiana Political Hall of Fame in Winnfield;
• $500,000 for the Louisiana Endowment for the Humanities;
• $500,000 to “organizations which assist small towns and rural areas with their water and wastewater systems;”
• $250,000 for construction of an animal shelter in St. Charles Parish;
• $1 million to the Lafayette Parish Consolidated Government for infrastructure construction;

Of that $33 million, Jindal vetoed only 32 projects totaling less than $2.5 million.

That’s a sign of a weak governor—one who lacks the singular courage to scale back reckless spending by legislators when the very future of the state depends on it, demands it. As a result, higher education and health care will continue to suffer while golf courses, community centers, baseball parks, sheriffs’ offices, ground water reservoirs, and other local projects will flourish while legislators take the credit and bask in the gratitude of constituents back home.

The name of that 1982 Time magazine article that chronicled economic hard times for state governments?

“Living Beyond Their Means.”

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            If the recently-concluded legislative session proved anything, it’s that lawmakers have little or no self-discipline when it comes to budgetary restraint in the face of overwhelming revenue shortfalls.

            Even as higher education was groping with ways to survive up to $310 million in cuts, legislators went on their annual spending binge. As if the $4.55 billion capital outlay budget crammed with local pork were not enough, legislators raided more than $140 million from the state emergency response fund, earmarking an additional $33 million for even more local projects in the ancillary budget, also identified as HB-76.

            The cuts to the Department of Health and Hospitals and higher education seemed not to matter a whit to some lawmakers. Rep. James Fannin (D-Jonesboro), defending the HB-76 pork, sniffed, “I don’t have an LSU in my district,” apparently forgetting for the moment that he most likely has quite a few constituents enrolled at LSU as well as LSU-Shreveport, Southern University-Shreveport, Northwestern State University, Louisiana Tech University, Grambling State University, or the University of Louisiana Monroe, all within an hour’s drive from his district.

            Not that LSU helped itself in the fiscal doom and gloom dialogue.

            Even as LSU System President John Lombardi was busy identifying $46 million in potential budget cuts, the LSU Board of Supervisors approved pay increases for two associate athletic directors. While faculty and support staff layoffs were being considered across campus, Senior Associate Athletic Director Verge Ausberry was awarded a 27 percent raise from $130,000 to $165,000. Fellow Senior Associate AD Mark Ewing, meanwhile, got a pay bump of 11 percent, from $155,000 to $172,000.

            Nor did Gov. Bobby Jindal attempt to stare down lawmakers, possibly out of concern of pushing the legislature into holding the first-ever veto session. He managed to veto 32 projects in HB-76 totaling only $2 million, leaving $31 million intact, and only eight projects totaling $20.1 million of the capital outlay bill (HB-2), trimming those expenditures all the way to $4.35 billion.

            For a year or more now, the media have trumpeted impending fiscal disaster as revenue shortfalls devastated agency budgets across the board. Yet lawmakers, seemingly oblivious to it all, continued to plow local projects into a budget already strained to the breaking point. If any of the 144 legislators were worried, no one appeared to exhibit concern. So eager to bring money back home were legislators that a $100,000 appropriation for Centenary College in Shreveport, a private Methodist school, was approved.

            Among the projects legislators poured into the Supplemental Appropriations Bill (HB-76) and the Capital Outlay Bill (HB-2) were:

  • Nearly $1.5 million on 50 parish councils on aging;
  • More than $29 million for municipalities and parishes for unspecified purposes;
  • $43.7 million in arts programs statewide;
  • $600,000 for an animal shelters in St. Charles and Livingston parishes;
  • $6.9 million for the Louisiana Sports Hall of Fame in Natchitoches;
  • $18.7 million for professional sports facilities in Jefferson and Orleans parishes;
  • $12.7 million for golf complex facilities in Orleans and Calcasieu parishes;
  • $9.37 million in ground water reservoirs;
  • $7.5 million in local sewer system projects;
  • $19.9 million in local courthouse construction projects;
  • $17.1 million for Bayou Segnette Festival Park and Sports Complex improvements;
  • $18.5 million for recreational improvements in Jefferson, Vernon, Tangipahoa, Orleans, East Baton Rouge, and Iberia parishes;
  • $3.8 million for an activity center in Morehouse Parish;
  • $3.5 million for land acquisition in St. James Parish;
  • $4.6 million for renovations to the Baton Rouge River Center;
  • $1.4 million for baseball stadium improvements in Baton Rouge;
  • $1.17 million for renovations to the Zephyrs baseball facilities in Jefferson Parish;
  • $3.5 million for museums throughout the state;
  • $2 million for a farmers and fisheries market in Jefferson Parish;
  • $11 million for the Audubon 2000 renovations;
  • $3.8 million for tennis center improvements at New Orleans City Park;
  • $26.5 million for the National World War II Museum;
  • $400,000 for a bike trail in Orleans Parish;
  • $1.7 million for the Little Theatre of Shreveport;
  • $1.1 million for the Louisiana Military Hall of Fame & Museum in Houma;
  • $1.8 million for a multi-purpose vocational center and shelter in Tangipahoa Parish;
  • $2.6 million for the Algiers Development District;
  • $2 million for the New Orleans Music Hall of Fame;
  • $2.4 million for YMCA facilities in Orleans and East Baton Rouge parishes;
  • $2.3 million for multi-purpose facilities in Franklin and East Baton Rouge parishes;
  • $5.4 million for the Forts Randolph and Buhlow Historic Site;

            Several million in additional funding was approved for local fire districts, police departments, municipal buildings, and sheriffs’ offices, bringing the cost of local pork projects to more than half-a-billion dollars, easily surpassing the $310 million in budget reductions to higher education.

            In the wake of such a bleak financial future currently being faced by the state, the obvious question is who would vote for such reckless spending? Try 86 of 105 House members and 35 of 39 Senators on HB-2. On HB-76 (the Supplemental Spending Bill), the count was 88 House members in favor and 37 Senators. In fact, it would be easier to name those who voted against the bills. Those figures are seven nays in the house for HB-2 and zero in the Senate. Zero was also the number of votes against HB-76 in both chambers though there were some notable absentees.

            House members voting against HB-2 were Jerry Gisclair of LaRose, Juan LaFonta of New Orleans, Rogers Pope of Denham Springs, Clifton Richardson of Baton Rouge, John Schroder of Abita Springs, M.S. “Mert” Smiley of Port Vincent, Mack “Bodi” White of Denham Springs.

            Absent House members or those not voting included Elton Aubert of Vacherie, Jared Brossett of New Orleans, Timothy Burns of Mandeville, Billy Chandler of Dry Prong, Gordon Dove of Houma, James Fannin of Jonesboro, A.B. Franklin of Lake Charles, John LaBruzzo of Metairie, Joseph Lopinto of Metairie, Rickey Nowlin of Natchitoches, Joel Robideaux of Lafayette and Karen St. Germain of Plaquemine.

            Senate members who apparently were too busy to vote on the second biggest spending bill on the final day of the session included Jack Donahue of Mandeville, Dale Erdy of Livingston, Robert Kostelka of Monroe and Jean-Paul Morrell of New Orleans.

            House absentees on the vote on HB-76 were James Armes of Leesville, Dove, Noble Ellington of Winnsboro, Rickey Hardy of Lafayette, Lowell Hazel of Pineville, Nita Rusich Hutter of Chalmette, Charles “Chuck” Kleckley of Lake Charles, LaBruzzo, H. Bernard LeBas of Ville Platte, Nickie Monica of LaPlace, J. Kevin Pearson of Slidell, Erich Ponti of Baton Rouge, Gary Smith of Norco, Ricky Templet of Gretna, and Ernest Wooton of Belle Chasse.

            Only two senators did not vote up or down on HB-76. They were Daniel Martiny of Metairie and Joe McPherson of Woodworth.

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