Louisiana Voice

Trying his best to appease a disgusted Donald Trump, Gov. Jeff Landry has issued two executive orders that will completely revamp the electoral process in Louisiana while virtually assuring his own reelection in two years and change the direction of higher education.

The day after Landry’s humiliation at the election results, clad in his pale blue suit, set off by a solid yellow tie, he tried in vain to explain to an angry Trump what went wrong and why there was the “full-throated rejection” of his four amendments.

In an effort to save face with a show of force to impress Trump, he issued two executive orders, one saying that all Louisiana voters by the year 2027 must be registered members of the Republican Party and another that mandates opening every classroom session at Louisiana’s colleges and universities with a prayer and the Pledge of Allegiance, while at the same time, abolishing the teachings of history, science, and environmental studies.

“I’ll make ‘em love me, one way or another,” he said angrily.

Following his meeting with Trump, he huddled with SHANE GUIDRY, aka the ELON MUSK of Louisiana state government, after which he held a press conference where he officially signed the executive orders and attempted to explain their objectives.

“I’m taking this action because a single party will ensure continuity in the electoral process and bring order to our elections that has been missing for more than a century,” Landry said as he handed out souvenir Bic pens that he used in printing his name on the order. And I think it’s far past time that we put Christianity and patriotism back in the college classrooms – even if we have to force it down their throats – and draw students’ attention away from alcohol and sex.”

The governor, who considers himself the antithesis of Edwin Edwards – better looking and suaver, more debonair and possessive of far more savoir faire – had seventeen of the celebratory Bic pens left over after several in attendance declined his offer of the writing implements with polite “I’m good,” “No, thanks,” “I’m covered” and “I don’t write anymore; I type everything on my computer.”

Normally, actions such as either of these would come under immediate legal challenge but Landry, through the office of Attorney General Liz Murrill, had earlier proclaimed via the state’s internet server Oops, that multiple contracts with legal firms statewide would be canceled should any firm openly oppose any of the governor’s policies.

Legal work for the state is equivalent to the legendary golden fleece for Jason and the Argonauts in that several firms depend on the steady income from the state treasury via the time-tested strategy of lower court decision, appellant court reversal, State Supreme Court reinstatement of original decision. To lose that extended payout from a gubernatorial boycott would deal a devastating blow to those firms.

Landry did not intend to make his position on attorney contract cancellations public but he had inadvertently included LouisianaVoice on his Oops chat thread and all the information regarding retribution against certain law firms was made available to the blog service for a blockbuster story – just as he had earlier in ANOTHER STORY of abuse of office.

The New Orleans white shoe firm Gona Scrumm and Howe, which had resisted Landry’s decision to round up all Crescent City homeless for show and tell during Super Bowl week, immediately reversed course and agreed to provide Landry free legal services – up to $2.5 million to sponsor the governor’s annual alligator hunt with Donald Trump, Jr. and whoever his latest girlfriend might be, if he would not target the firm for state embargo.

One lawyer, however, has indicated that being blacklisted notwithstanding, he is positioned to take on the powerful forces of state government under Landry. Beyton Slurphy, who bills himself as “the Louisiana Brain-Drain Attorney,” indicates that Landry may well can be proven to be gobsmacked and feels he is just the one to take on that task. “I am Louisiana’s bad government attorney,” he said, “and my legislative response team is on-call 24/7.”

Landry became irate at one point in the press conference when a reporter asked about the Empty Chair town hall meetings currently being held across the state to draw attention to the failure of the state’s congressional delegation to meet with constituents.

Storming at the reporter, he said, his voice rising a couple of octaves to an almost inaudible pitch that roused every dog within blocks, “Let there be no mistake about the fact that I feel that these two groups (Indivisible North Louisiana and 10,000 Women Louisiana) have been omissive in not extending an invitation to me to be absent from their little shindigs. As governor of the gret stet of Louisiana, I would have loved the opportunity to not attend their town hall meetings. But I was never afforded that opportunity.

“I’m putting them on my enemies of the state list, along with George Soros” he said “There’s something rotten in Denmark when Donald Trump can receive 60 percent of the vote in this state and I can generate only 35 to 38 percent on my four amendments. Zero for four: it’s enough to make me conditioned to failure.”

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