Louisiana Voice

We received an email of a news story today (Wednesday) to the effect that Gov. Bobby Jindal is having second thoughts about committing his family to the “rigors” of a presidential campaign.

But when we attempted to google the headline, it turns out the story originated not from the mainstream media, but from our favorite online satirical news service, The Onion. If you are not familiar with The Onion, just know that it presents all its stories as a serious news item but, as Gov. Jindal is so fond of saying, at the end of the day, it’s all parody. Very good parody, but parody, nonetheless. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Onion

We have to admit we bought into the story ourselves until we did that google thing with the headline on the story and up popped the only version of that story—The Onion’s version.

The story quoted Jindal as saying he wasn’t sure if he wanted to put his family through the rigors of a “two-month presidential campaign.”

As is its style, The Onion wrote the story in such a straightforward manner as to be completely believable to anyone unfamiliar with the blog. http://www.theonion.com/articles/bobby-jindal-not-sure-he-willing-to-put-family-thr,37864/?utm_source=Twitter&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=Pic:1:Default

Well, we like a good joke as well as the next guy and this indeed was a good one. But in reading the story, we decided The Onion did not have a true feel of the Jindal “campaign” the way that we in Louisiana do. We feel we can cut to the reality of why his campaign is an exercise in futility that more aptly captures the essence of a campaign doomed before it was ever born. Accordingly, here is LouisianaVoice’s version of the same story:

            Citing the monumental failure of his Baton Rouge Prayerpalooza rip-off of The Reponse, the prayer event put on by former Texas Gov. Rick Perry four years ago, Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal announced Tuesday that he’s “absolutely” not sure he wants to put his family through the rigors of a two-month presidential campaign.

            The event last Saturday in the Maravich Assembly Center was a total bust, attendance-wise (there were about 15,000 people disguised as empty seats in the 18,000-seat facility). Not only was attendance disappointing, but Jindal, a devout Catholic, sensing that those in attendance were evangelical Protestants, was conspicuous in neglecting to cross himself at the beginning and end of a seemingly endless procession of prayers to save our country from the godless hordes of homosexuals, abortionists, Islamics, Keystone Pipeline opponents, and anyone who desires health care—all of whom, apparently, contribute to the looming threat of killer hurricanes aimed directly at Louisiana as God’s punishment for our wanton ways.

            “This was absolutely not a political event,” Jindal insisted. “It was absolutely a religious gathering with political overtones and political undertones—with a dash of bash for Obamacare.”

            The 43-year-old governor in absentia told reporters that while his wife and three young children are absolutely  “tremendously supportive” of his political ambitions, he recognizes that a relentless six-to-eight-week run for the White House would be an exercise in complete and utter failure as well as providing comedic fodder for late night talk show hosts—as well as opening his record up to media scrutiny that he has thus far avoided from Louisiana news outlets.

            “If I were to declare my candidacy this June, I’d absolutely immediately have to start answering hard questions from the national media—that’s a sacrifice I absolutely am not ready to make,” Jindal said of a potential bid for the Republican Party’s 2016 presidential nomination. “We’re absolutely talking four, maybe five big town hall events in the early primary states, a handful of public rallies, and a few Sundays spent at meet-and-greets with the media. That’s multiple press conferences, and I’m absolutely not sure it would be fair to my finely-honed image as an all-knowing and wise leader of Louisiana’s economic and cultural resurgence. Given the option, I’d absolutely much rather reporters just read my ghost-written book, Leadership and Crisis and quit asking questions about sand berms, lawsuits against oil companies, budget deficits, appointments of supporters to important posts, acceptance of illegal campaign cash, the destruction of higher education, the disappearance of a quarter-billion surplus at Group Benefits, and my lack of concern for the health care of our citizens. That’s all absolutely irrelevant.”

            Jindal stressed that he hated the thought of subjecting his record to the harsh glare of the public spotlight for a couple of news cycles. According to Jindal, he would have to steel himself in preparation for a humiliating campaign that would absolutely make him a laughingstock all the way through Iowa, a fair amount of South Carolina, and maybe a couple counties in New Hampshire.

            “I could wind up missing most of the last year of my governorship, which is a lot to ask,” considering that I’ve already missed about a third of my term.” The second-term governor went on to say that if he seeks the GOP nomination, the Jindal family “absolutely might as well forget about” planning a victory party for his nomination and election.

            “Imagine what it’s like being 10 or 13 years old and dreaming of running for president—what would that do to your life?” said Jindal, who admitted that was the reason he adopted the name Bobby over his Indian name Piyush which, translated, means nectar of the gods or holy water. “And we absolutely could be in the thick of it right up until a few days after Easter, at least. If I hold, say, six fundraising dinners, that’s absolutely six meals I’m hitting supporters up for contributions and to tell the truth, I’m absolutely not really sure I even have six supporters left, other than Timmy and Kyle and Rolfe.”

            Even though he hinted broadly at withdrawing from the Republican Presidential Sweepstakes, Jindal nevertheless tried to put a positive spin on his chances that are disappearing faster than an armadillo’s odds of making it across a busy interstate highway. “Our campaign absolutely has been picking up momentum and we’re absolutely encouraged at the absolutely enthusiastic response we’ve been getting from Louisiana’s citizens.”

            A politic-speak expert provided us with a literal translation of that last statement: “Our campaign has been going downhill rapidly and Louisiana citizens are eagerly anticipating the forthcoming train wreck. Absolutely.”