Louisiana Voice

It was a typical hot, humid summer day in Louisiana’s capital city as the agency director (AD) sat at his desk going over his budget for the coming year. The legislature had implemented drastic cuts while continuing to approve projects in their districts that just didn’t make any sense.

Since when was the state responsible for funding local court houses, fire stations, convention centers, municipal buildings, golf courses, baseball parks, parish roads, and chicken plucking plants? Yet, there they all were, line item by line item in the state budget, about half a billion dollars worth.

Yet, for the third straight year, he was unable to provide pay raises for his employees who, during those same three years, had seen the price of groceries, gasoline, health insurance and college tuition continue to rise. For the most part they were all good, hard-working employees. There were the few duds, of course; every agency has those. In fact, every private sector employer has the occasional slacker. In some cases, the laziest, least qualified employees are related to the boss. Same thing in the public sector; you’d be surprised how many of the so-called deadhead state employees are related to legislators.

Oh, well, there was nothing he could do about it, he sighed to himself. That’s just the way it is.

Then there came a knock at his door. “Come in,” he called out, looking up from his budget printout.

His administrative assistant opened the door and ushered in three men, all strangers. They were young, dressed in jeans and cowboy boots and there was an air of arrogance the AD picked up on immediately, putting him on his guard.

“These gentlemen are here to see you from Jesters for the Natural Diminution of All Logic,” his assistant announces.

“The Jest….who? What?”

“Jesters for the Natural Diminution of All Logic,” said one of the men. “My name is Tippy. We just call ourselves JNDAL.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of you. Did you have an appointment?”

“We don’t need an appointment,” said Tippy, whose hair was cropped short and whose western shirt was opened at the collar. He didn’t wear a sport coat or a tie with his jeans. Probably drives a Jeep Cherokee, thought the AD. Tippy continued: “We represent the governor’s office and we’re here to go over the administration’s new plan for grading state agencies on Proficiency, Efficiency, and Effectiveness. We refer to it as PEE.”

“PEE? What? Wait. I’ve never heard of any grading plan. When did all this come about?” the AD asked, clearly bewildered.

“It’s a new program patterned after the school grading system initiated by the Department of Education,” Tippy said. “We send in a team to test your employee performance and if they return with a Detrimental Unqualified Negative Grade, you are subject to having your agency taken over by a private entity and you can be terminated.”

“How can you justify turning this department over to a private agency?” the AD asked, incredulous. “And how can you use some silly test as a barometer in determining my performance? I’ve been a dedicated public servant for 30 years and suddenly I’m not good enough to meet your standards?”

Tippy almost sneered at the question. “You are a reflection of your workers and they are a reflection of you. It’s that simple. If there’s a problem with any of your employees then of course it’s your fault.”

“Wait a minute here. There are all sorts of mitigating circumstances at play in any given office at any given time. You can’t make a blanket judgment like that.”

“Certainly we can. We’re doing it with the schools. Anyone can see if there’s a problem in the school, it’s the teachers and principal who are to blame. Surely you can see that?”

“No. No, I can’t. I have an employee who has been with this agency 33 years and he’s just been diagnosed with prostate cancer. He’s missed work because of treatment but that doesn’t make him any less valuable.”

“Chronic absenteeism is something we cannot overlook in the grading process,” Tippy said.

“I have another who is going through a very stressful divorce. He’s been married 12 years and has three children and his wife just moved in with a tattoo artist and took the kids. You have to cut him a little slack.”

“Aw, poor guy. You mean we should look the other way when his productivity falls off just because he’s having problems? Afraid not.”

“And there’s a single mom raising four kids and the father just took off. She’s having a hard time making ends meet with day care and sometimes has to take off when one of the kids gets sick.”

“Where are her parents? Why can’t they help out once and awhile?” Tippy opened his notepad. “You also had an employee who wrecked a state vehicle.”

“Yes, and we investigated that. He was on assignment and was within the scope of his employment when a drunk ran a red light and broadsided him.”

“You also had an employee who likes to gamble at the casino and who embezzled money from your agency,” Tippy said.

“Yes and we ran a background check on him when he applied for his job. We recommended that he not be hired at that time based on his background but apparently he had some connections with a legislator and I was instructed to hire him anyway,” the AD explained. “I wasn’t allowed to even discipline him, much less prosecute him for the embezzlement.”

“Nevertheless, that goes against your record,” Tippy responded. “I’m afraid your agency just doesn’t measure up to the JNDAL standards.

“We have a company from Myanmar that has submitted a proposal to take over your agency,” Tippy continued. “Please notify your employees that beginning the first of the month, they will be working at the pleasure of Golden Land Enterprises, LTD., and will be required to remit 25 percent of their gross salary to Golden Land President Mykaili Tnushi.”

“What about me?” the AD asked.

Tippy looked up from his notepad. “Surely you can’t be serious. How can you expect to continue in your position when your agency just got such a dismal grade from JNDAL?”