Louisiana Voice

I intended to limit my “You Might be a Trumpster” takeoff on Jeff Foxworthy’s You Might be a Redneck, but the suggestions started piling up in my inbox, so I was sorta kinda forced into Volume II:

• If you graduated from the Wharton School of Finance in 1968 and claim that you studied the Laffer Curve “for many years” while there when the Laffer Curve was first revealed (on a napkin) in 1974…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think Jan and Dean’s Dead Man’s Curve was a failed Democrat economic plan…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you believe arming teachers, preachers, fast food and Wall Mart customers will bring a halt to mass shootings…you might be a Trumpster
• If you bring your mistress along on a family ski vacation…you might be a Trumpster.
• If your hair style looks like the string in a weed whacker gone bad…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you play the golf club championship alone and declare yourself club champion…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you insist on non-disclosure agreements from your employees…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you are a fan of Rosanne Barr, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian and Dennis Rodman…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you criticize President Obama for not visiting Louisiana flood damaged areas but then keep your appointment to meet with Kayan West the day after Hurricane Michael destroys two cities in Florida…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you hold a reception in the White House to honor the 2018 Boston Red Socks…you might be a Trumpster.
• If your favorite Christmas carol is Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think Puerto Rico only in terms of “an island surrounded by big water”…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you believe that Sean Hannity is a professional journalist and that media licenses be revoked over news coverage you don’t like…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you threatened to revoke the U.S. citizenship of all Puerto Ricans because they are “not part of the American race”…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think Calculus is where you get the milk for your cereal…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think infrastructure is what kids build with Legos…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you mock women who claimed he sexually assaulted them by saying they weren’t attractive enough to earn your attention…you might be a Trumpster. (Face it, evangelicals, you just can’t adhere to Christ’s teachings and support the caging of children like animals. I’m sorry, you just can’t.]
• If you can convince evangelicals to surrender every scintilla of Christianity in order to justify supporting your sorry ass…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you EVER tweeted, “Any negative polls are fake news”…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you EVER tweeted, “Sorry losers and haters, but my IQ is one of the highest—and you all know it”…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you EVER tweeted, “Despite the constant negative press covfefe”…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you have taught your followers how to say “Fake News,” “No Collusion,” “Witch Hunt,” and “Lock her up” the way a good cult should…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you ever said, “I think I’m much more humble than you would understand”…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you ever said, “Let me tell you, I’m a really smart guy”…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you ever said, “My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well been documented, are various other parts of my body” (are you listening, evangelicals?)…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you ever said, “What’s that?” when told you just attacked a Gold Star family…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you ever said, “I’m speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things”…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you ever said, “Nobody respects women more than me,” and three minutes later, said, “Such a nasty woman” (are you listening, evangelicals?)…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you tried to hide 300 filthy, malnourished children when the conditions in which they were being forced to live were exposed by secretly moving them somewhere else…you might be a Trumpster…but you’re certainly no Christian. In fact, you’re not even a decent human being.
• If you ever said, “You know, it really doesn’t matter what [the media] write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass” (are you listening, evangelicals? Are you listening, women?)…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you ever said, “Women: you have to treat them like s**t” (are you listening, evangelicals? Are you listening, women?)…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you ever said, “A person who is very flat-chested is very hard to be a 10” (are you listening, women?)…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you ever boasted that his building was now the tallest in downtown Manhattan after the 9/11 attack on the World Trade Center…you might be a Trumpster.
• If you ever said, “We won with poorly educated. I love the poorly educated”…you have just explained, in the most graphic terms, the Trumpster phenomenon in this country.

Faith leaders and anti-abortion groups are ramping up their efforts to reelect President Trump, rewarding a president who has become an unlikely hero of the Christian right because of his commitment to socially conservative causes.

The Faith and Freedom Coalition (FFC) will spend tens of millions of dollars on a voter mobilization effort that aims to register 1 million Christians in key battleground states and reach 30 million people nationwide.

The group, which is led by conservative activist Ralph Reed, will pump literature into more than 100,000 churches across 18 states, primarily focusing on the presidential battlegrounds but also with an eye on contested House and Senate races.

A friend forwarded an email to me the other day. It said the following:

Ronald Reagan is remembered for saying, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.”

Taking the thought a bit further:

Teddy Roosevelt: “Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.”

Franklin Roosevelt: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”

Winston Churchill: “Never give up. Never, never, never.”

Harry Truman: “The buck stops here.”

John Kennedy: “Ask not what your country can do for you but rather, ask what you can do for your country.”

Barack Obama: “It’s important to make sure that we’re talking with each other in a way that heals, not in a way that wounds.”

George W. Bush: “Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease.” (Okay, they can’t all be winners.)

Donald Trump: “Look, having nuclear—my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart —you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I’m one of the smartest people anywhere in the world—it’s true!—but when you’re a conservative Republican they try—oh, do they do a number—that’s why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune—you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged—but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me—it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are (nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what’s going to happen and he was right—who would have thought?), but when you look at what’s going on with the four prisoners—now it used to be three, now it’s four—but when it was three and even now, I would have said it’s all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don’t, they haven’t figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it’s gonna take them about another 150 years—but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.”

All of which got me to thinking about how my (very distant) cousin (by marriage) Jeff Foxworthy might describe a Trumpster in the same way he did with his classic “You might be a redneck” shtick.

With a little help from my friends, here are some possibilities:

• If you think Medicare and Social Security are socialist entitlement programs….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think misdemeanor is another bimbo that Michael Cohen paid off to keep quiet…you might be a Trumpster.
• If “No Collusion,” “Witch Hunt,” “No Obstruction,” and “Fake News” comprise 90 percent of your vocabulary….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think tax reform giving millionaires and corporations huge tax breaks actually helps you….you might be a Trumpster.
• If your tax reform increases the federal deficit by another trillion (with a “T”) dollars….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think putting babies in cages is a good idea….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think six bankruptcies is the definition of “very stable genius”….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think dismissing intelligence reports while embracing Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Bashar al-Assad and other murderers is leadership….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you suffered from stone bruises during the Vietnam war but can’t remember which foot it was….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you want immigration reform while employing undocumented Latinos at your golf courses….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you oppose “chain migration” after your wife’s family is safely in this country….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think grabbing women by their genitalia against their will makes you a stud….you might be a Trumpster.
• If your choice for Commerce Secretary is the former head of the Bank of Cyprus, a major Russian money-laundering bank….you might be a Trumpster.
• If your idea of decisive leadership is flip-flopping on policy—sometimes within mere hours….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you truly believe the press is the “enemy of the people”….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you get your news from Fox and/or Media Wars (Alex Jones)….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you run a scam university and make a huge political contribution to the Florida attorney general who is investigating you and then see the investigation disappear….you might be a Trumpster.
• If the only bank that will loan you money is the Deutsche Bank (which conveniently ignored money laundering activity by your company)….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you are a Christian who thinks Jesus would approve of adultery, bullying, lying pathologically, ridiculing disabled people….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think Farsi is an Iranian brand of binoculars….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think Taxes are how folks get around in the city….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think trickle-down economics is peeing on the leg of the 99%…..you might be a Trumpster.
• If giving your opponents derogatory nicknames is your idea of issue-oriented political dialog….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think the presidency is just an extension of The Apprentice…..you might be a Trumpster.
• If you’re given a clean bill of health by a doctor who subsequently had to withdraw his name from nomination as head of the VA because of past behavior….you might be a Trumpster.
• If your former EPA Secretary thinks he needs a $43,000 soundproof booth for communications….you might be a Trumpster.
• If your director of the Office of Management and Budget would never talk to a lobbyist who didn’t give him money while he was a congressman….you might be a Trumpster.
• If your director of the Office of Management and Budget gets kicked out of the room for coughing during an interview….you might be a Trumpster.
• If your former director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention purchases tobacco stock….you might be a Trumpster.
• If the number of people who were fired or resigned from your administration exceeds the roster limits for an NFL team….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you’re so insecure that you have to lie and say you received the most Electoral College votes since Ronald Reagan….you might be a Trumpster.
• If your daddy greased the skids so you could slide through Wharton Business School….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you repeatedly stiffed contractors and refused to pay your undocumented laborers on your real estate construction ventures….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you managed to tell more than 3,000 documented lies in your first two years in office….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think that ripping money from the Pentagon’s budget is the same as having Mexico pay for the wall….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think advocating for the abolition of NATO isn’t playing into Putin’s hands….you might be a Trumpster.
• If Queen Elizabeth washed her hands with bleach after shaking hands with you….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you live in a trailer park and think for one nano-second that your life is going to be all better now….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think someone is inferior because of the color of their skin….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you’ve ever received a laudatory tweet from yourself….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you’ve ever developed stone bruises on your thumbs from tweeting….you might be a Trumpster.
• If multi-syllable words give you migraines….you might be a Trumpster.

And finally, most important of all:

If you can think for yourself….you most definitely are not a Trumpster.

If you’re offended by this list, you’re certainly free to compile your own list of “you might be a brain-dead, tree-hugging libtard.”

Who knows? They might be funny and I can take a joke—or an honest difference of opinion.

If you like to get away from the stress-inducing news of the day (and who doesn’t like to do that these days?), there’s a very good book by a retired Ruston pathologist that I would recommend very highly.

Shadowshine: An Animal Adventure (Guernica World Editions, Toronto, 2019), is a novel by Dr. Johnny Armstrong (whom, despite his being from my hometown, I have somehow never met face to face).

SHADOWSHINE

Dr. Armstrong defines the word Shadowshine as “illumination, usually in the form of moving spots in a shaded background, created by the reflection of light from ripples on the surface of water.”

And while it is not an official word in the English language, the definition is certainly one with which most of us can identify, especially if we’ve ever taken the time to just relax and watch that wonderful creature called nature.

Shadowshine, is what I would describe as a story akin to Watership Down, The Hobbit, or Homer’s Odyssey-lite.

It’s a delightful story about Zak a possum who has a bit of trouble maintaining his train of thought. Orphaned as a baby and raised by squirrels, he is unique in that he is bi-lingual, speaking the language of both rodents and the other animals of his community.

As if that’s not confusing enough, Zak is initially unaware that he is a possum and instead, considers himself a poet.

But don’t ever make the mistake of confusing him with Walt Kelly’s Pogo: he doesn’t have the philosophical mind of Pogo, though like Pogo, he is a friend to (nearly) every creature he meets.

But he and an odd collection of cohabitants, including a vegetarian wolf, a skunk, a mastodon, caribou, bobcats, an owl and a mysterious, mythical-like black panther, among others, come together in a joint effort to save themselves—and a curious tribe of strange creatures who walk upright and have cleavage above their back legs and who don’t appear to be very intelligent—from a marauding evil-doer named Mungo, who likes to burn villages and destroy all who stand in his way.

To do this, he must travel far to the north, away from his friendly environs, to sometimes hostile territory where the weather is bitterly cold and unfriendly. Still, he perseveres in his efforts to gather valuable information about Mungo to bring back to his community.

Without fully realizing it, he is protected along the way by that black panther, Moksoos, who moves in mysterious ways like some kind of Deity, which he most surely must be. But to explain how would be to ruin the story.

Instead, I would like to lift a brief passage from the book that quickly became my favorite quote from Sir Sark, the 800-year-old mastodon he meets during his journey. It’s Sir Sark’s treatise on life and death in the animal kingdom—a lesson we humans would do well to learn:

“Life and aging and their implications have little to do with death. Old age and death are merely a part of the progress of life from the viewpoint of the individual bubble inside the foam on the great wave. And that view can be described as a floating awareness on a river of time. It can peer up and down and out both sides and backward. But it cannot see forward.

“You see, possum, it seems that in one’s youth, one is floating in a broad river that moves so slowly it looks as though it is almost stagnant. Though the river itself is attractive, one might say gorgeous, for some reason the scenery on the shore doesn’t quite meet the river’s standard, so one’s attention is drawn to one’s self and to the water and to how to get it to move along faster.

“But eventually, one looks around and notices that the river really has begun to speed up its flow. And strangely, the shore is now quite beautiful and so fascinating that one wonders why one had not studied it more early on and what one must have been missing while studying one’s self and the water.

“As a little more time goes by, the river begins to move quite rapidly and is becoming narrow and the shore is becoming more and more interesting. The objects on the shore are becoming so attractive that one reaches out to touch them, but it is difficult because the river is moving swiftly as if in a narrow canyon, so the objects get left behind. Objects now so beautiful that they have stolen one’s heart go right by and are gone forever. And as faster and faster rolls the river, more and more objects come up into view that are now alive and have become dear friends and a part of one’s own life, but they are so quickly ripped away that a part of one’s own life goes with them.

“Now as narrower and faster yet goes the river, more and more precious become the friends on the shore. At this point, they are going by so rapidly that one hardly has time to focus before they are gone. And if one so much as even tries to focus on a friend as it goes by, then a whole row of friends who come after it will be, ever so painfully, completely overlooked!

“It is all quite confusing and frustrating, but I suppose one has to accept one’s lot. It could be worse. One could be a possum and miss it all but perhaps a little stagnant water and flotsam.”

This book would make a great animated feature movie and I hope some astute script writer stumbles across it and sees its potential.

You can order the book from Amazon by clicking HERE. The book is $25 and the Kindle edition is $10.99—both well worth the price. Or you can pick one up soon at your local independent book store.

Book signings by Dr. Armstrong will be announced here as they are scheduled.