Louisiana Voice

“There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.”

It’s a familiar quote that has been attributed to several people, including British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli, though it was popularized by writer Mark Twain.

Donald Trump has perfected the dark art of damned lies, but Louisiana’s junior U.S. senator, John Neely Kennedy has elevated his game to statistics.

You remember John Neely Kennedy, don’t you? He’s one of the senators who voted not to validate the 2020 presidential election despite an embarrassing lack of evidence of election fraud.

He’s also the one who voted against helping sick veterans who had been exposed to toxic burn pits while fighting George W. Bush’s war in Iraq.

He’s also the only Louisiana senator (along with all five Repugnantcan House members) who voted against the $1.2 trillion bipartisan infrastructure bill. Sen. Bill Cassiday voted in favor of the measure that will result in nearly $7.3 billion in infrastructure funding, Kennedy’s “statistics” notwithstanding.

A mere three weeks ago (Aug. 28) the Natchitoches Times newspaper published a page-one story about Kennedy’s Aug. 24 address to chamber of commerce members.

In what must have been a true inspirational address, what with his affection of dogs and weed killer and his disdain for pink-haired Washington reporters, Democrats (he used to be one), and liberals (he was once one of those, too, until the political winds shifted, whispering in his ear that he was unelectable in Louisiana as either one of those).

After a couple of disappointing losses as a Democrat, he got himself appointed revenue secretary by Gov. Mike Foster. In 1999, he ran successfully for state treasurer despite his oopsie claim in a TV campaign ad that as revenue secretary, he “reduced paperwork for small businesses by 150 percent.” The ad was quickly pulled when a listener reminded his campaign that it was mathematically impossible to “reduce” anything by more than 100 percent – unless, of course, your strategy was to give some of that paperwork back to those small businesses.

Keep in mind, if you will, this is the same guy who was asking Louisiana citizens to let him handle the state’s finances. That would seem to require quite a leap of faith, considering that embarrassing math boo-boo.

He’s also the one who in 2004 endorsed Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry over George W. Bush. Of course, that was about three years before he heard those political winds and switched overnight from liberal Democrat to conservative Repugnantcan and later to “110 percent in support of Donald Trump” to quietly omitting any mention of the living tanning bed warning label.

I’m not exactly certain when he began to look and sound like Randy Quaid as Cousin Eddie in those Vacation movies, but it’s safe to say he’s honed his act to perfection – if you like that kind of “leadership.”

But back to those statistics from his address to the Natchitoches chamber.

Ever the fiscal conservative (except when bringing home the pork), Kennedy, with a nod to the state’s senior senator, said that he and Cassidy had worked closely together to siphon off (okay, he didn’t really say siphoned – it was more like obtain, or appropriate) every red cent possible for the gret stet of Loozeraner. He said in the past five years (which just happens to coincide with the time he has been a U.S. senator), the state has received $20 billion for disaster relief (except, of course, for the Lake Charles area, which has been largely forgotten) and another $3.5 billion for roads and bridges with (and this is where he really gets into the “damn lies” part of political rhetoric) “not one penny from the fake infrastructure bill.”

Well, no, not yet. The bill wasn’t signed into law until last November and the pipeline doesn’t just open up and allow the money to pour in immediately. Anyone who knows anything about the federal government knows that – even Kennedy. It will be paid out over a five-year period, but here’s the breakdown of money earmarked for Louisiana in case anyone’s interested in learning what the state will ACTUALLY GET:

• Highway funding: $4.8 billion;
• Bridge replacement and repairs: 1.013 billion;
• Improvement of public transportation: $470 million over five years;
• Electric vehicle charging networks: $73 million over five years;
• Broadband infrastructure: $100 million (remember Bobby Jindal rejected $80 for that purpose);
• Wildfire protection: $20 million over five years;
• Cyberattack protection: $17 million;
• Water infrastructure improvements: $580 million over five years;
• Airport development: $179 million over five years.

For a guy who claimed to the chamber members that “You’re not completely free if you can’t say what you want or express yourself,” John Neely Kennedy certainly seizes every opportunity to pass on his down-home wisdom. Even when he distorts the picture with damn lies and statistics.

It would be nice, though, if Kennedy would grow up and talk to us like an adult instead of insulting the cumulative intelligence of this state with his pseudo-Will Rogers homilies.