Louisiana Voice

As we head into the final seven weeks leading up to the Nov. 8 congressional elections, we have 12 candidates challenging Foghorn Leghorn Kennedy for the U.S. Senate and seven challengers for U.S. Rep. All Hat, No Cattle Clay Higgins in Louisiana’s 3^rd Congressional District.

The remaining incumbents, with the exception of Rep. Mike “Tattoo” Johnson up in northwest Louisiana’s 4^th district, have what would basically be called only token opposition. Johnson didn’t attract any challengers in what is a solid red district and Louisiana’s other senator, Bill Cassidy isn’t up for reelection for a couple of years.

I’ll get to Kennedy and, in the words of one of LouisianaVoice’s readers, his Randy Quaid impersonation presently but first, a few words about Higgins and his ability to embellish his credentials as well as his hero, Don of Orange, aka the Great White Dope.

Higgins, who claimed one committee hearing, to have been responsible for “thousands of arrests” during his stellar career as a law enforcement officer for a small-town police department and as public information officer for the St. Landry Sheriff’s Department (his former boss, the St. Landry Parish sheriff told LouisianaVoice the number of Higgins collars was closer to “half-a-dozen, at best”).

But never mind his terrorizing the criminal element in and around St. Landry. Let’s fast forward to today (Sept. 20) and Higgins’s claim that he and some of his unnamed House colleagues “have very thick files” that tell the real story of the Jan. 6, 2021 insurrection and that the “involvement of actors that have not yet been held to account, and that’s precisely what we’re going to do.”

Higgins declined to name any of those supposed colleagues but did say he possessed “a four-inch-thick file” on the investigation that he said was the product of his investigation. “…[I]t’s going to be revealed,” he said. “It’s going to be addressed, very likely people are going to go to jail.”

Well, Congressman, some people involved in the events of that day are already in jail. Some of those are members of the Proud Boys who have been convicted for their part in that Jan. 6 debacle. Or didn’t your “investigation” turn up that bit of information?

The obvious question is if Higgins has such damning information, why hasn’t he shared those findings with anyone? He says his information is not complete yet. Well, if it’s not sufficiently complete to share, it would seem that there simply is not sufficient evidence to change anything — or to make inflammatory statements about what the report may or may not contain. Higgins is a doofus with not a shred of credibility. The only difference between him and Marjorie Taylor-Green and Lauren Boebert is gender.

But LouisianaVoice has received reliable information that Higgins’s “investigation” has revealed that the insurrection was launched by cleverly-disguised (as Proud Boys, Oath Keepers, etc.) left-wing anarchists from two fronts: the pedophile headquarters in the basement of a Washington pizzeria and from a grassy knoll in Dallas and that the leaders were John Kennedy, Jr., and Elvis, who were actually working undercover on behalf of President Rancid Velveeta and Rudy “Meet Me at the Four Seasons Lawn and Garden Center” Giuliani. (I’m pretty sure that’s about as reliable has the contents of his report.)

Now, if only Higgins had exerted as much energy to obtaining federal assistance for the victims of those two hurricanes that devastated Lake Charles and adjacent Cameron Parish in 2020. It’s been two years and little has been done to aid in recovery efforts – and that’s on Higgins, because it’s his district. He’s done little other than run his mouth like the idiot he most surely is.

Now, let’s talk about Randy Quaid John Kennedy. This is the guy who voted against certification of the 2020 election results despite having zero evidence that there was fraud (other than that “investigative file” in Higgins’s possession — which he didn’t, and still doesn’t, have).

Here’s a guy who, in almost six years in office, has rarely appeared in Louisiana and had never (until last week) sent any kind of mailer to his constituents to inform them (us) of developments in his office. But now that his reelection is looming and he has a serious challenger, a nice, four-page mailer that trumpets his work to reduce violent crime, combat drug overdoses, halting human trafficking, lowering the cost of prescription drugs, fighting inflation, and protecting Louisiana families suddenly appeared in my mailbox.

The beauty of it was that the mailer was sent out free of any cost to Kennedy via his franking privileges. None of his 12 challengers has the advantage of being able to send out a million or so campaign mailers at no cost. (And he didn’t see any need to communicate with the folks back home until election time.)

But give Kennedy credit: he knows how to appeal to the masses. His reelection ad is a beaut. He likes dogs. Well, guess what? I like dogs, too, but that does not qualify me as a member of the most prestigious club in the world. And neither does sprinkling in those defiant “by Gods” stand one in good stead for the Senate. Both look/sound good. Not so his passing attempt at being folksy but instead was just a asinine reference to “pink-haired” Washington reporters; that just sounds incredibly stupid and bigoted. The entire ad is devoid of any real substance or reasons why anyone should vote for a candidate solely on his flimsy, cheap imitation of homespun philosophy. Will Rogers he ain’t — he comes off more like Cousin Eddie from those Vacation movies.

But remember, too, John Kennedy also is the guy who voted against help for military veterans exposed to toxic burn pits in Iraq. You remember Iraq, don’t you? That’s the war we started on faulty intelligence that George W. Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, and Karl Rove had but chose to ignore. The result was 20 years of war that cost trillions of dollars and thousands of American lives while enriching military contractors.

But if the events of Jan. 6, 2021, the discovery of top-secret documents at Mar-a-Lago, and the Supreme Court’s Roe v. Wade decision have done anything, it’s caused the Repugnantcans to reassess their sanctimonious positions and to reboot their campaign strategies.

In case you haven’t noticed, Kennedy, who ran in 2016 as being “110 percent in support of Donald Trump,” has not so much as breathed the Orange Caligula’s name even though the Great Orange Hairball of Fear did offer up his endorsement of Foghorn Leghorn – for whatever minimal value that may still carry. I reckon Kennedy has ridden the Dorito Donald hoss about as far as he can, all things considered.

Kennedy loves to wax philosophical. But he should remember that nostalgia ain’t what it used to be. Sometimes you just have to produce in order to hold your job.