Louisiana Voice

I spent 15 years as emcee of the local comedy club in Baton Rouge and one thing I learned during that time is that occasionally, a joke will literally write itself. Something will happen or someone in the audience will say something that will drop a punchline right into the comic’s lap.

Sometimes it’s so easy and so glaringly obvious that the comic will only have to pause, smile, or raise an eyebrow. Johnny Carson was a master at just the right facial expression without saying a word.

So it was that an email that arrived in my in-box today doesn’t need me or anyone else uttering the obvious punchline. The same thought will involuntarily creep into the mind of everyone who reads this.

The email was from none other than our wingnut Attorney General Jeff Landry – he of the COCAINE DISCOVERY in his apartment when he was a deputy sheriff in St. Martin Parish; he of the political payoff of hiring the DAUGHTER OF THE LOSING CANDIDATE in the 2015 election so that the losing candidate would endorse him (that daughter, by the way had been convicted of fraud and Landry put her in charge of his …fraud division); he of the EXPLOITATION of immigrant labor; he of the expenditure of FAIR HOUSING FUNDS on plastic cups, pens, and keychains; he of the appointment of political supporter SHANE GUIDRY as an investigator, despite his glaring lack of qualifications, in exchange for his appointment to the board of directors of Guidry’s company at $50,000 per year.

Sorry. I didn’t mean to get carried away, but I wanted to be sure you knew which Jeff Landry I was referring to.

Anyway, the email was to announce Landry’s 12^th annual alligator hunt, scheduled for next week (Thursday, September 8 through Sunday, September 10).

This year’s special guest will be none other than another fellow rumored to indulge in nose candy from time to time (I personally have never observed him participating in any such debauchery, but the rumors, like those that swirl around Hunter Biden’s laptop in Repugnantcan circles, are certainly out there – and some people apparently put a lot of stock in such rumors): Donald Trump Jr.

That’s right. Junior will be a participant in this year’s alligator hunt. And for the privilege of rubbing elbows with the former First Goofball, one may become a Swamp Master Corporate Sponsor for the bargain price of $50,000. That will include four hunters, 12 VIP camp passes with access to VIP tent hours, reserved sleeping accommodations, RV parking, listing on the Sponsor Board and – get this – a private breakfast with Landry his own self.

For a mere $25,000, you get six VIP camp passes with access to the VIP tent, reserved sleeping accommodations for two hunters, sponsor naming privileges for water ferries, listing on the Sponsor Board and a single VIP parking pass.

For the more economy-minded, $5,000 will get four camp passes for Friday and Saturday for a single hunter, membership in the “General’s Club,” which will get you into all fundraising events hosted by Landry (with the expectation, of course, of chipping in more love offerings).

Bayou Sponsors can get a Sponsor Board listing and four camp passes for Friday and Saturday for the bargain price of $2,500.

For the cheap bas***ds, $1,000 will get a single hanger-on a one-day camp pass on Friday or Saturday (not both – Landry’s not running a charity here).

Did I mention that the Great White Hunter Donald Trump, Jr. is going to be Landry’s special guest? Oh, I did. Well, you know he ain’t coming here for nothing. It’d be nice to know how much Landry’s paying him. Oh, and also providing entertainment will be Craig Morgan and Gary Levux of Rascal Flatts.

Anyway, here’s Landrys email, which I’m pretty sure was sent to me by mistake:

From: Jeff Landry <jeffl@jefflandry.com>
Date: August 29, 2022 at 2:48:58 PM CDT
To: landrygatorhunt@gmail.com
Subject: Alligator Hunt Special Guest!

The Alligator Hunt is right around the corner and I am so excited to announce a very special guest will be joining our Swamp Masters and Bayou Hosts for our VIP night on Thursday.

We are honored to have Donald Trump Jr. joining the festivities for this special part of the hunt! 

If you have not already signed up as a Swamp Master or Bayou Host, do so now and don’t miss out on the fun and chance to visit with Trump Jr.!

We are also excited to tell you about the special entertainment for the Thursday VIP event – Craig Morgan and Gary Levox of Rascal Flatts will take the stage! 

If you’d like to join us as a Swamp Master or Bayou Host for this special night please contact Andree Miller at 337-351-3014 or at landrygatorhunt@gmail.com

Every year I look forward to this event and it gets better every year. That is because of you and your support – I can’t thank you enough. Let’s have the best Alligator Hunt yet!

Now in case you missed it, here’s the setup for that self-writing joke: You’re going to have Donald Trump, Jr. from New York City and alligators from Louisiana converging at the same place and same time in Louisiana swamps.

I wonder if a little Tony Chachere’s on top-secret documents would appeal to alligators’ palates?

See, I didn’t have to resort to the speculation that ‘gators might find certain human grifters to be too rancid for their tastes.

Now get busy and write your own punchline.