I thought of writing this column as my annual April Fool’s column but then it occurred to me that the April Fool’s columns are fictional events created around the best comedy writers available: politicians who take themselves far to seriously.
No, I decided, this can’t wait until April because I’m convinced that a conversation strikingly similar to what follows is almost certain to occur somewhere in the gret stet of Texas over the next few months. Hell, it may well happen more than once, if I know the tendencies of self-righteous politicians.
The conversation will take place when some Repugnantcan legislator receives a discreet call on his cell phone:
Him: Hello.
Her: Can you talk?
Him: For a few minutes. I’m due in a committee meeting to discuss additional voter restrictions in a few minutes, so make it quick.
Her: I have some bad news.
Him: Bad news?
Her (crying softly): I’m pregnant.
Him: extended silence.
Her: Are you there? Did you hear me?
Him: Yeah, yeah. Are you sure?
Her (sobbing): Of course. I went to a doctor. I’m 14 weeks along.
Him: Fourteen weeks? How did that happen?
Her: Seriously?
Him: You know what I mean. I thought you were careful.
Her: I was, but nothing’s foolproof. At least that’s what you’ve been saying about the COVID vaccine. By the way, did you ever get your shots?
Him: Yes, but keep that to yourself. I don’t want the anti-vaxxers to know that. They’re a big part of my base.
Her: What about the evangelical pro-lifers? Aren’t they a big part of that base, too?
Him: Damn! They’ll crucify me – if my wife doesn’t do it first.
Her: Yeah, I thought about that. She’s gonna be pissed.
Him: You sure it’s mine?
Her: Of course, I’m sure! You’re the only man I’ve been with since you hired me in your office three years ago.
Him: This is bad, really bad, for me – worse than tapping your feet in a public restroom.
Her: What about me? I’m the one who’s pregnant.
Him: Be quiet. I’m trying to think. We have to do something.
Her: I’m going to give him your last name.
Him: WHAT???!! You’re gonna do what?
Her: I’m going to have give it a last name and since it’s yours…
Him: NO!!! You can’t give it my name.
Her: Why Not? If it’s a boy, I might even give him your first name, too, and call him Junior.
Him: ABSOLUTELY NOT! (He cups his hand over the phone as passersby look his way as he involuntarily raises his voice.)
Her: Well, I’ll have to name it something. And we’re going to have to talk about child support.
Him: You obviously don’t understand the consequences here, the political repercussions…
Her: What I understand right now is that you and I went to that prayer breakfast a few months ago and on the way back to the office, we saw this motel that rents rooms by the hour…
Him: Look, I’m serious. You can’t have this baby.
Her: What?
Him: You heard me. We have to find you a doctor who can keep his mouth shut.
Her: Weren’t you one of the legislators who were out front in passing that anti-abortion bill? You know, the one that pays bounty hunters $10,000 to turn in anyone who helps a woman get an abortion? Didn’t you stand behind the governor and applaud when he signed the bill and announced that he was going to eliminate all rapists in Texas?
Him: Shut up. This is different. You cannot have that baby. It would ruin me and I have a shot at the governor’s office someday – or maybe even crazy Ted Cruz’s Senate seat. If you have that baby, all that’s out the window.
Her: So, what you’re saying is it’s all about you, right?
Him: I didn’t say that. It’s all about preserving American ideals and integrity, about putting God and family values first and only a true patriot can do that. Now hang up and start looking for an abortion doctor in Louisiana or Oklahoma. Don’t worry about the cost; I can disguise it as a political advertising expense and pay for it out of my campaign funds. Oh, and don’t call me on this number again. I’ll get a disposable phone and call you and give you the number.
Louisiana Voice 
So…let me see…when you can’t get your fill of current events to satisfy your vile intent…you just make them up!
Do you on spending the rest of your declining years slinging mud…or will you eventually emerge to find a real life?
Based on your usual commentary…I seriously doubt it. Please, enjoy your negativity, as I doubt many others do, unless they are as jaded as yourself.
With all due respect Mr. outlaw53 I thoroughly enjoyed Tom’s blog today. I just hope he comes out with a similar one about the gunslingers in Texas as well. And one about voter suppression. And ice storms. And so many others I can think of…just call me jaded.
Yep. I get my inspiration from Cruz, Taylor-Greene, Cawthorn, Jordan, DeSantis, Abbott, and, of course, Former Guy. No one does it better.
I got a kick out of this, especially the on the way back from the prayer breakfast part–sounds about right. It won’t be long, and no doubt for every hypocrite who does get busted, there will be more of his ilk who don’t.
Very clever, and probably all too true. Bunch of hypocrites over there, and in a lot of other places around the country. Keep it up, Tom.
I would enjoy your imaginary portrayal of an Eric Swalwell conversation – perhaps between he and Nancy P. on how he should handle his situation with Fang Fang. Maybe he could have said he was investigating Chinese ties to COVID ? Maybe he could tell us how he was really spying on her !
Oh, how about Cory Booker giving a talk on proper airport bathroom protocol.
Or the Lion of the Senate discussing late night driving tips to avoid.
Honestly, Washington is chock a block full of bad persons from both sides of the aisle. Unfortunately, some are very real and have already happened.
Zoe, I’m not sure about your reference to Cory Booker and airport bathroom protocol. Are you perhaps confusing him with Larry Craig?
Larry Craig is a pig as well as Booker. I could have made an extensive list from both parties, but I was merely trying to make a point about the seedy side of Congressmen.
https://thenewamerican.com/gay-man-booker-assaulted-me-in-a-bathroom/
http://stylemagazine.com/news/2018/sep/28/what-makes-cory-bookers-groping-incident-different/?page=1
Two separate incidents. And as you have stated in prior post, many incidents go unreported because people do not want the exposure.
Ms. zoe I would not normally respond to your post here, but like so many people you fail to read carefully what is written. I clicked on both the articles you show. First, New American is a far right magazine owned by no less, the John Birch Society. The writer of the article get his information from a word document posted on Google and the accuser never discloses his name, leaving one to wonder if the incident described really ever took place. No wonder reputable news outlets never reported the “story.” And in the second site it makes it clear that Sen. Booker was talking about an incident when he was a teenager and came forward voluntarily to tell the story and how it changed him. Frankly, there is probably no a single male teenager alive who has not done what he says he did. What bothers me about your post is that it is like so many things I read that have no real correlation yet attempts are made to make comparisons about things that stretches the facts from here to the moon in order to try and achieve right wing aims by distorting the facts.
CJG, you do know she’s going to respond with yet another manifest, don’t you? She can’t help herself.
CJG: Thank you for exposing Zoe’s lack of credible sources and willingness to post very misleading non-facts. I have to wonder what she hopes to accomplish. I really do think that some folks post things just because they like to provoke a response…it is like a game, it seems, to some very bored and mislead folks…just my take!
It is very easy to find something with which you agree on the Internet. Why? Because people and entities have no problem posting whatever they want to post whether they believe it has a basis in fact, or not. The information in posts on any subject varies with the source. Anybody can quickly find sources that suit their pre-conceived notions while swiftly filtering out all that don’t.
Oh, sure, FaceBook and other sites claim to filter out obvious lies, but I have been put in FaceBook jail twice for posting satire that I clearly stated, up front, was satire and the subjects were such hot topics and such obvious falsehoods it triggered FaceBook’s “fact-finding” algorithm.
Suffice it to say, freedom of expression is alive and well on the Internet and one is free to express any and everything s/he wishes with virtual impunity. I am not in favor of censorship, but I am also not in favor of inciting insurrection via widespread dissemination of propaganda which, by its nature, is misleading and often outright false. There was a time when we could tell the difference between one’s right to express one’s opinion and dangerous propaganda. There was also a time when it was illegal to yell “FIRE” in a crowded theater when there was no fire – nowadays, that seems perfectly okay.
Well, I thank you for your response. I recalled seeing the report on allegation against Booker on television. I scanned internet for story, and that link popped up. I am not a “John Bircher”, and do not subscribe to their far right b.s. .I believe the source was actually Twitter, not some word document, and of course the complaint was anonymous. Pretty much all allegations seem to come from anonymous sources.
I apologize if the news source was flawed or inaccurate; I went back and saw several references besides the one I tagged. Are they all flawed ? I do not know; only Booker knows for sure.
The “correlation” is about a made up conversation trying to cast negative light on a fictitious REPUBLICAN. I was merely trying to point out that it could just as likely be an unethical democrat. Republicans hardly hold a monopoly on ethical lapses.
Loved the article! I did notice the idiots in Texas at the signing were all white. Perhaps you should make “her” black. Or Native American. Quanah Parker was accosted by the the Government/Chrisitians and told him he couldn’t have 7 wives. Quanah being half baptist, are you crazy, you tell me which ones I should get rid of!! Somewhere in RC Gwynne book Empire of the Summer Moon. thanks ron thompson