Louisiana Voice

The LSU administration, responding in typically timely fashion, is tackling the burgeoning on-campus sexual harassment scandal head-on by forming a special blue-ribbon committee to address the problem, according to an announcement by the school’s Board of Supervisors.

A committee will be appointed to conduct a no-holds-barred investigation, according to the board’s legal counsel, I. Ken Fleecem-Moore, whose law firm, Cheatham Tillet Hertz, was retained by the board under a $2 million contract (plus expenses) to be paid by the Tiger Athletic Foundation, which also pays more than 70 percent of Ed Orgeron’s $7 million per year compensation package.

“We will draw on well-established expertise from the area of sexual harassment in forming the committee,” Fleecem-Moore said. “At LSU, we take such charges seriously and we will do everything possible to see that no one may harass any of our students and be reported for it ever again,” he said, as he stifled a giggle at the pronunciation of the word harass. He said anyone found guilty of reporting harassment in the future “will be exiled to Uranus,” again breaking into laughter.

“We consider this a serious issue,” he said, regaining his composure. The Committee to Halt Aggressive Retribution by Avaricious, Selfish Students (HARASS), “will conduct private disciplinary hearings with female students who have complained of being on-campus victims of sexual attacks and will offer them anger management counseling in lieu of their filing all these complaints and lawsuits,” he said.

“Foremost among our objectives,” Fleecem-Moore said, “is seeing to it that former Gov. Bobby Jindal and the current coaching staff are shielded from exposure in this unfortunate flurry of bad PR incidents. Gov. Jindal is a leading proponent of family values in the Republican Party and linking him to in any way to these allegations, including the remote possibility of his having knowledge of the so-called problem while he was governor, could be devastating to his political career, such as it is.

“The fact that as governor he appointed the LSU Board of Supervisors does not necessarily translate to placing at his feet any responsibility in the board’s decision to veto the firing of the previous coach despite the board’s – and possibly the governor’s – awareness of the charges. And I don’t have to explain to you what a national championship coaching staff, both then and now, means to this university or how critical it is that former board members refrain from interjecting their personal conspiracy theories about who knew what when into this ongoing investigation. Speculation on such matters is counterproductive at best and cheap politics at worst.”

In the spirit of full transparency, he passed out copies of a letter which he said proves conclusively that there was never any attempt to cover up problems at LSU:

“No collusion, no quid pro quo,” he repeated over and over as he passed out the document.

The committee will be chaired by former LSU President F. KING ALEXADER, who has just resigned as president of Oregon State University so he could devote full-time to this project. Other members will be former head football coach LES MILES and former standout football players CECIL COLLINS, DRAKE DAVIS and DERRIUS GUICE.

“F. King, that name’s a hoot,” said Fleecem-Moore, “ –  And Oregon State. F-King, Organ, get it? Now, that’s funny.”

Special advisers to the committee will be former president DONALD TRUMP, New York Gov. ANDREW CUOMO, GHISLAINE MAXWELL, BILL COSBY, HARVEY WEINSTEIN, former U.S. Rep. ANTHONY WEINER and BILL O’REILLY. “That name Weiner always cracks me up,” Fleecem said, again laughing.

PAT MAGEE, formerly of the Louisiana Attorney General’s office, STEPHEN RUSSO, executive counsel for the Louisiana Department of Hospitals, and LDH attorney supervisor WELDON HILL, will serve as special co-legal counsels to the committee.

“As you can see from the diverse makeup of the committee and its advisers, we are attempting to bring together a wide range of viewpoints to address the growing problem of accusations against these individuals who represent LSU so well on the playing field,” Fleecem said. “Our objective, of course, will be to determine why these women are so bent on wrecking the careers and reputations of these fine young men just because they have normal, strong desires and needs.”

F. King Alexander, sometimes referred to as F—king President, said he was deeply concerned about the accusations. “It’s a good thing these charges weren’t brought up during the 2019 national championship year,” he said. “That would have been devastating to fundraising activities and to recruiting. There has to be a balance in our concerns here.”

Fleecem said the committee, reinforced by the best legal minds available in this particular field of law, would make “every effort” to go through the motions of conducting a serious investigation and that it would issue the standard whitewash, er, that is, white paper report after emotions have had time to cool down. “Hopefully, we can get this put behind us in time for the Tigers’ spring football game or, at the latest, by the opening of fall practice,” he said.

“The fraternity rush parties and binge-drinking bashes will be cranking up right after that. We have to get back to normal at LSU, ” he said.

“We’re convinced that LSU can maintain its reputation of being able to quietly smooth this crisis over and make it go away just as it did with the Ivor van Heerden and Steven Hatfill matters – not to mention the Drs. Roxanne Townsend and Fred Cerise…or the Raymond Lamonica…or the Teresa Buchanan firings or that unfortunate matter of those faulty TMJ implants that cost the LSU Dental School millions to settle,” Fleecem-Moore said. “All those were simply unfortunate errors in judgment that, in hindsight, could have been handled differently by those individuals.”

“We’re certain that by bringing these emerging developments under control quickly, quietly and without having to sacrifice a single athletic scholarship, we can demonstrate the kind of straightforward thinking that makes LSU the great flagship football university it is and an institution Louisiana can be proud of,” he said, adding for emphasis, the standard Ed Orgeron guttural, “Go Tigers!”