Louisiana Voice

So, now Trump wants to issue “PREEMPTIVE PARDONS” to Donnie, Jr., Ivanka, Eric and perhaps Jared.

And we learn that RUDY GIULIANI has approached Trump about the possibility of a “preemptive pardon,” even though he has yet to be charged with a crime.

Michael Flynn? Well, we now know that Trump’s PARDON of his former National Security Adviser, who pleaded guilty not once, but twice, to lying to the FBI, was broader than Gerald Ford’s pardon of Richard Nixon in that it granted him immunity to “any and all possible offenses” connected to the Mueller investigation.

If that’s not enough for you to chew on, the Justice Department (that would be Bill Barr’s Justice Department) is investigating a possible “PARDON FOR SALE” scheme whereby beaucoup money may have been funneled to the White House or some related political committee in exchange for a presidential pardon.

Admittedly, it’s going to be kind of difficult to narrow the field down since several of Trump associates, including the aforementioned Rudy, are pitching pardons for themselves as President Tweet Thang heads toward the exit.

And while Rudy may well need a pardon for his hands down his pants cameo in the latest Borat movie or for using shoe polish for hair dye which subsequently ran down the side of his face like sweat after a strenuous workout, he most definitely needs one for the shameless way he has comported himself in the myriad legal challenges to the Nov. 3 election.

But the burning question here, the real brain teaser, is this:

If Junior, Eric, Ivanka and Jared have done nothing wrong, why would they need pardons? Does Daddy Trump know something about the four adolescents masquerading as adults that he’s not telling us?

Could Ivanka have possibly been in violation of some law when she negotiated with the Chinese government to grant her those 18 TRADEMARKS linked to her and Daddy back in 2018?

Did Jared breach some law or even profiteer somehow when he directed ventilators and other PERSONAL PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT (gloves, masks, etc.) to corporate interests for re-sale last spring rather than directly to hospitals that desperately needed them?

Hell, Donnie and Eric need pardons just for being themselves. Remember, they both boldly predicted that the coronavirus would “disappear” on Nov. 4 and we’d never hear about it again. If for nothing else, they need pardons for being dumber than a bag of hair.

Of course, Trump is also considering an attempt to pardon himself – a move that would raise all sorts of questions, assuming someone might know where to even begin asking.

But not to fear. ANDY BOROWITZ, who writes thoughtful if somewhat barbed parodies (well, they wouldn’t really be parodies if they weren’t at least a little pointed, now would they?) for The New Yorker, has saved us a lot of anguish, hand-gnashing and teeth-wringing by figuring the whole thing out for us:

“In an effort to insure an orderly rollout of pardons, the Trump Administration announced that the first recipients would be essential frontline criminals,” including “all White House staffers and Cabinet members who have spent the past four years receiving improper emoluments, destroying evidence, and subverting democracy.”

There you have it.

You can thank me later.