Louisiana Voice

A friend forwarded an email to me the other day. It said the following:

Ronald Reagan is remembered for saying, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.”

Taking the thought a bit further:

Teddy Roosevelt: “Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.”

Franklin Roosevelt: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”

Winston Churchill: “Never give up. Never, never, never.”

Harry Truman: “The buck stops here.”

John Kennedy: “Ask not what your country can do for you but rather, ask what you can do for your country.”

Barack Obama: “It’s important to make sure that we’re talking with each other in a way that heals, not in a way that wounds.”

George W. Bush: “Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease.” (Okay, they can’t all be winners.)

Donald Trump: “Look, having nuclear—my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart —you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I’m one of the smartest people anywhere in the world—it’s true!—but when you’re a conservative Republican they try—oh, do they do a number—that’s why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune—you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged—but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me—it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are (nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what’s going to happen and he was right—who would have thought?), but when you look at what’s going on with the four prisoners—now it used to be three, now it’s four—but when it was three and even now, I would have said it’s all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don’t, they haven’t figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it’s gonna take them about another 150 years—but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.”

All of which got me to thinking about how my (very distant) cousin (by marriage) Jeff Foxworthy might describe a Trumpster in the same way he did with his classic “You might be a redneck” shtick.

With a little help from my friends, here are some possibilities:

• If you think Medicare and Social Security are socialist entitlement programs….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think misdemeanor is another bimbo that Michael Cohen paid off to keep quiet…you might be a Trumpster.
• If “No Collusion,” “Witch Hunt,” “No Obstruction,” and “Fake News” comprise 90 percent of your vocabulary….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think tax reform giving millionaires and corporations huge tax breaks actually helps you….you might be a Trumpster.
• If your tax reform increases the federal deficit by another trillion (with a “T”) dollars….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think putting babies in cages is a good idea….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think six bankruptcies is the definition of “very stable genius”….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think dismissing intelligence reports while embracing Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Bashar al-Assad and other murderers is leadership….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you suffered from stone bruises during the Vietnam war but can’t remember which foot it was….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you want immigration reform while employing undocumented Latinos at your golf courses….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you oppose “chain migration” after your wife’s family is safely in this country….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think grabbing women by their genitalia against their will makes you a stud….you might be a Trumpster.
• If your choice for Commerce Secretary is the former head of the Bank of Cyprus, a major Russian money-laundering bank….you might be a Trumpster.
• If your idea of decisive leadership is flip-flopping on policy—sometimes within mere hours….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you truly believe the press is the “enemy of the people”….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you get your news from Fox and/or Media Wars (Alex Jones)….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you run a scam university and make a huge political contribution to the Florida attorney general who is investigating you and then see the investigation disappear….you might be a Trumpster.
• If the only bank that will loan you money is the Deutsche Bank (which conveniently ignored money laundering activity by your company)….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you are a Christian who thinks Jesus would approve of adultery, bullying, lying pathologically, ridiculing disabled people….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think Farsi is an Iranian brand of binoculars….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think Taxes are how folks get around in the city….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think trickle-down economics is peeing on the leg of the 99%…..you might be a Trumpster.
• If giving your opponents derogatory nicknames is your idea of issue-oriented political dialog….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think the presidency is just an extension of The Apprentice…..you might be a Trumpster.
• If you’re given a clean bill of health by a doctor who subsequently had to withdraw his name from nomination as head of the VA because of past behavior….you might be a Trumpster.
• If your former EPA Secretary thinks he needs a $43,000 soundproof booth for communications….you might be a Trumpster.
• If your director of the Office of Management and Budget would never talk to a lobbyist who didn’t give him money while he was a congressman….you might be a Trumpster.
• If your director of the Office of Management and Budget gets kicked out of the room for coughing during an interview….you might be a Trumpster.
• If your former director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention purchases tobacco stock….you might be a Trumpster.
• If the number of people who were fired or resigned from your administration exceeds the roster limits for an NFL team….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you’re so insecure that you have to lie and say you received the most Electoral College votes since Ronald Reagan….you might be a Trumpster.
• If your daddy greased the skids so you could slide through Wharton Business School….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you repeatedly stiffed contractors and refused to pay your undocumented laborers on your real estate construction ventures….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you managed to tell more than 3,000 documented lies in your first two years in office….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think that ripping money from the Pentagon’s budget is the same as having Mexico pay for the wall….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think advocating for the abolition of NATO isn’t playing into Putin’s hands….you might be a Trumpster.
• If Queen Elizabeth washed her hands with bleach after shaking hands with you….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you live in a trailer park and think for one nano-second that your life is going to be all better now….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you think someone is inferior because of the color of their skin….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you’ve ever received a laudatory tweet from yourself….you might be a Trumpster.
• If you’ve ever developed stone bruises on your thumbs from tweeting….you might be a Trumpster.
• If multi-syllable words give you migraines….you might be a Trumpster.

And finally, most important of all:

If you can think for yourself….you most definitely are not a Trumpster.

If you’re offended by this list, you’re certainly free to compile your own list of “you might be a brain-dead, tree-hugging libtard.”

Who knows? They might be funny and I can take a joke—or an honest difference of opinion.