Louisiana Voice

I received a very official-looking envelope in the mail last week. Inside was a return envelope stamped, “Process Immediately, Congressional District Census Enclosed. Along with the envelope was a questionnaire to be completed and returned.

My first thought was, “Oh, census. This is important governmental business.” Then it occurred to me that the official U.S. census isn’t until next year, so I took a closer look.

That’s when I saw it was not “census” information at all, but a push poll “Commissioned by the Republican Party.”

They must not know me very well. I haven’t been a Republican since midway through Bobby Jindal’s first term. Maybe they were going by the previous 30 years.

Anyway, here’s what they said:

“Mr. Aswell: Your Participation is Urgently Needed.” (bold faced and capitalizing inappropriate words, just like Donald Trump in his tweets.)

Trust me, they don’t really want my responses. Their poll questions phrased in such a way as to “push” the respondent not toward what he/she would like to say, but what the party wants to hear so they can trumpet the “overwhelming support for Donald Trump” shown by the party’s poll.

I won’t bore you with all the questions, but here are a few (with my observations in parentheses):

• Do you think the Democrat Party as a whole is promoting a Socialist agenda for America? (as opposed to the Republican Party promoting a fascist agenda, a choice not provided? You mean all those god-awful socialist programs like social security and Medicare, minimum wage, federal highways, police and fire protection? That socialist agenda?);
• Do you think that Nancy Pelosi and the Democrat-controlled House will work with President Trump to address the critical issues facing our nation? (as opposed to asking if Trump would work with Pelosi and the Democrats—I mean, cooperation is supposed to be a two-way street. Trump and a Republican-controlled House and Senate, after all, have already given us an additional $1 trillion federal deficit.);
• Do you currently trust the federal government bureaucracy to act in the best interest of the citizens of our nation? (as opposed to the days of tainted meat, child sweat shop labor, runaway Wall Street speculators throwing the country into depression, unsafe vehicles, unregulated food and drugs, pre-social security and Medicare, unsafe working conditions, unclean air and water, no minimum wage, 60-hour work weeks with no vacation, no sick leave, no health care or retirement benefits?);
• Do you believe the national media has (sic) a strong bias against all things Donald Trump and Republican and fails to tell America’s voters the real facts about Republican policies, principles, goals, and accomplishments? (Well first of all, media is plural and should take the verb “have.”) (second, you mean like the reality of the tax reform bill that only benefited the wealthy while creating an additional trillion-dollar federal deficit cited in my response to question two above? The abolishing of net neutrality? Trump’s attempt to deny aid to the hurricane victims in Puerto Rico? Like the repeated attempts to strip poor Americans of health care?);
• Do you support canceling all federal funding to sanctuary cities that fail to enforce U.S. immigration laws? (I would refer you to question number three above);
• Do you support President Trump in his determination to appoint judges who will adhere to strict Constitutional principles and not use the court to advance their personal ideologies? (Oh boy, I damned near choked on that one. Didn’t know these Republicans had such a sense of humor.);
• Do you think race relations in America are getting better or worse? (Seriously? You really want an answer to that question after you, the Republican Party, has done everything in its power to strip African-Americans of the right to vote, the right to work, the right to do about anything other than get shot with impunity—all while encouraging a resurgence of white supremacy activity?);
• Do you believe more federal laws that impede individuals’ Second Amendment rights are the proper response to gun violence in our nation? (C’mon guys, you already have Russians as members in good standing of the NRA, Russians who funneled $500,000 into Trump’s campaign through the NRA and you don’t want any discussion of ways to keep assault weapons out of the hands of mentally deranged people. Why would we want any additional pesky laws that might impede your fine work on behalf of the mass slaughter of school kids?);
• Under President Trump’s leadership, improvements have been made to ensure that our nation’s Veterans (there you go with the capital letters again) receive the quality of care and services they deserve (Oh, gawd, surely you jest). Yet much remains to be done. Do you agree that Republicans should push for additional legislation to be passed that will address problems still confronting the Department of Veterans Affairs? (Why do you need my opinion on that? Didn’t Trump already turn over the VA to some local hacks at Mar-a-Lago, hacks who don’t even work for the government but are just members of Mar-a-Lago?);
• Do you support rebuilding our nation’s military by expanding our military investment? (By “rebuilding,” you mean spending even more than the current 57 percent of the federal budget already devoted to military spending? Hell, why not 100 percent? Maybe they could find a cure for bone spurs.);
• Do you agree with President Trump that fixing our nation’s inner cities and working to rebuild our crumbling highways, bridges, tunnels, airports, schools and hospitals must be a top federal priority in the next few years? (First of all, I agree with the concept but to say that that is Trump’s “top priority” is something of a reach, since all I’ve heard his first 27 months in office is “wall, wall, wall, wall, wall, wall….” To tell the truth, I haven’t heard much serious discussion about the nation’s infrastructure from either the Republicans or what’s-his-name.);
• Do you have any interest in serving as a volunteer to help at your local Trump Victory Headquarters or to assist a Republican candidate in your area? (only if I can do so in the same manner as the late Dick Tuck. If you don’t know who he was, google him.);
• Do you plan on supporting Donald Trump in the 2020 Presidential election? (Haw! Snort, giggle, chortle!)
• Can the RNC count on your help to re-elect President Trump as we fight to Make America Great Again? (Same response as above, but add a guffaw.);

Finally, under the section set aside for my pledge of $25, $50, $100, $250, $500, $1,000, or “Other $_______, was this:

“I cannot send a donation at that level right now. But I am enclosing $15 to help pay for the cost of processing my Census Document.”

Well, there’s two thing you can’t accuse them of having: pride and integrity.