Occasionally, we like to run essays or commentaries by guest columnists. The following parody was written by a state employee who, for reasons easy to comprehend given the current outbreak of Sudden Teaugeing Syndrome (STS) in state government, has chosen the alias of Louis Jordan, a ’30s and ’40s jazz artist of whom our guest writer is a fan.
(Ring, Ring, Ring!)
Employee Smith: Hello.
Agent Nichols: Hello, Mr. Smith. This is Agent Nichols calling on behalf of Bayou State Bank. Do you have a few minutes to discuss your home mortgage with me?
Employee Smith: Actually Ms. Nichols, I’m kind of busy right now. In fact, I’m an employee of Bayou State Bank, and as I’m sure you know we in the tax division have been asked to do more with less. And since this is tax season, I’m kind of swamped. Can you make this quick?
Agent Nichols: I can certainly make this quick Mr. Smith. But first, I just wanted to let you know that we at B.S. Bank we really appreciate all your hard work and dedication. In fact, May 9 is Employee Appreciation Day and you’re allowed to wear jeans to work.
Employee Smith: Thanks Ms. Nichols. What’s up?
Agent Nichols: I was calling to let you know that you qualify for our mortgage modification program!
Employee Smith: Really? Thank goodness! My wife and I have always paid our mortgage payments timely, so I never looked into anything like this. But this is great news, because we’ve been struggling lately. Gas prices have gone up. Our health insurance premiums keep getting higher. And as you know, B.S. Bank hasn’t given us raises in a few years. This really couldn’t come at a better time.
Agent Nichols: Actually Mr. Smith, we over here in the administration division just got a raise.
Employee Smith: Umm…Ok. Thanks for rubbing it in.
Agent Nichols: Anyways, it will just take a few minutes to go over the details of how we will be modifying your mortgage. First thing we will be doing is raising your interest rate from 8% to 11%.
Employee Smith: Wait…What? You’re raising my interest rate? Did I misunderstand you?
Agent Nichols: No Mr. Smith, I didn’t stutter. In addition to raising your interest rate by 3%, we will also be requiring you to make payments on your loan for an additional 10 years.
Employee Smith: Is this some kind of joke? Is this a prank call? Is this Kellie Rasberry from Kidd Kraddick in the Morning?
Agent Nichols: No Mr. Smith, I assure you this is the real Ms. Nichols and I’m serious. We feel that these modifications will help B.S. Bank maintain long-term financial stability. As you are aware, we have gotten ourselves into a precarious position. Prior to CEO Bobby’s tenure, the B.S. Bank decided to expand its operations to other areas of the state. This created a need for additional capital. In addition, we have made some bad investment decisions, the market has not been doing so well, and years ago we decided not to make necessary payments to fund future obligations. And to top it all off, CEO Bobby decided it would make good business sense to loan all new corporations however much money they needed to finance their operations at a super low interest rate of 2%. All of these factors have put us in jeopardy of defaulting on our own loans. For these reasons we feel it is necessary to raise revenue and reduce our long-term obligations.
Employee Smith: I’m so confused. What does any of this have to do with me?
Agent Nichols: What is there to be confused about Mr. Smith? The reality is that we feel the employees of our bank should finance our debt by having the terms of their personal mortgages involuntarily adjusted.
Employee Smith: So is this something that you are doing for all employees of B.S. Bank? Because there is no way that the employees of the identity protection division will go along with this. Not to mention the outrage it will cause with employees of the customer education division.
Agent Nichols: Honestly, CEO Bobby is not really concerned about what his employees think. He just fired the head of the reverse mortgage division for disagreeing with him. But since you asked, he feels that the employees of identity protection division are entitled to full ownership of their homes before you because of the unique nature of their job. And he just got finished outsourcing a large part of the customer education department to India, so he doesn’t want to piss them off anymore than he already has.
Employee Smith: This is ridiculous. Are you sure this is the real Ms. Nichols, because none of this makes sense? I signed a contract with B.S. Bank years ago, stating that if I paid my mortgage for 30 years, at an interest rate of 8%, I would own the title to my home. How can you change the terms of our agreement halfway through the terms of our contract? Is this legal?
Agent Nichols: Again, I assure you this is the real Ms. Nichols. And we feel there is firm legal precedence to unilaterally impose this mortgage modification program on our employees. We have based our legal analysis on regulations enacted by the First Bank of the United States.
Employee Smith: Ms. Nichols, the First Bank of the United States ceased to exist in 1811.
(silence)
Employee Smith: Hello, are you still there?
Agent Nichols: Yes, I’m still here. I guess we didn’t think of that.
Employee Smith: It sounds like you didn’t think of a lot of things. Didn’t the Bank of Uncle Sam recently reduce mortgage rates by 2% for all of its customers to help them out? Didn’t CEO Bobby support that? And I thought CEO Bobby was a proponent of low interest rates?
Agent Nichols: Yes, Yes, and Yes. But that isn’t relevant to this discussion. Honestly, CEO Bobby really wants to be the CEO of the Bank of Uncle Sam, and he thinks enacting this loan modification program will help him achieve that goal.
Employee Smith: I could care less about CEO Bobby’s future plans. I am just trying to live my life as simply as possible. All I want to do is raise my kids, love my wife, walk my dog, be involved in my community, and one day own my home. Is that too much to ask? There is no way that the Board of Directors will go along with this. Has CEO Bobby contacted Chairman Chuck for his opinion?
Agent Nichols: Chairman Chuck is a member of the American Bankers Exchange Council (ABEC), and ABEC is a proponent of the mortgage modification programs. In truth, ABEC is the organization that is spear heading these programs nationwide. We feel that we have the support of the entire Board of Directors of Bayou State Bank. Actually, the Committee on Mortgage Modification just recently approved our plan.
Employee Smith: I can’t believe the entire Board will go along with something so blatantly inequitable, unfair, illegal, and discriminatory. I have faith that they will reign in CEO Bobby’s arrogant behavior. But I have to be honest Ms. Smith; I’m really questioning my loyalty to B.S. Bank. If I would have known how you treated your employees and customers, I would have never applied for a mortgage with B.S. Bank, much less sought employment here.
Agent Nichols: I’m sorry you feel that way Mr. Smith. Just please remember that we really do appreciate all of your hard work and dedication. However, you can always sell your house and move.
Employee Smith: Is that what this is really about? Are you trying to force me out of my home? Please remember that it is not just a building that provides shelter to me and my family. It is my home, and it is the only home I know. We are members of the local church, our kids go to school in the area, we love our neighbors, and we are completely vested in the community. There has to be another way.
Agent Nichols: I’m sorry Mr. Smith, but CEO Bobby has decided that this is the way it is going to be. You really don’t have many options. You can either accept our terms or you can sell your house and move. Have a good day. And remember, we are watching you.
(click)
Employee Smith: Wait…What the heck just happened?
Louisiana Voice 
This has been the best representation of what is happening to state workers. Who ever wrote this did a wonderful job. It actually tells everyday joes exactly how we (state workers) feel we are being treated.
So clear and such a practical scenario of what is happening to those of us who are in state retirement systems. Hats off to the author of this!
With all the high hopes we had for this governor, it’s so very disappointing and disheartening to see the dirty tricks he has been playing. So much for being above politics, corruption, and operating in the shadows. He is blatantly building a national platform by using the segment of the state workforce that does not have a union as his example of what he can do at the federal level. All the while, he is traveling the state playing up his being a born again Christian. Let me not judge, but maybe he needs to get a little Jesus in him so that he can see what harm he is doing to hard working, innocent people.
Jindal does not care what harm he is doing. He continues with his reign of terror and intimidation. This has posted today from Lottie Beebe, one of the few BESE members who has been bold enough to speak the truth … “in Louisiana, it is evident that there are consequences if you dare question the politicians, or if you are bold enough to grade them an F. I received a phone call this afternoon from a BESE staff member who told me that HB 83 authored by Representative Richard from Thibodeaux would impact my position on BESE. I don’t know Representative Richard. I don’t know his motivation for this bill. I have been informed if this bill passes that Walter Lee, Desoto Parish, and I will have to resign our positions on BESE, effective September, 2012. For the record, I researched the current law prior to making a decision to seek the BESE DIstrict 3 position. I have a personal investment in this BESE position. An attorney told me there was no conflict as per present law (RS 42.66 B). I won with 56% of the votes–fair and square. Now there is an attempt to remove me from the postion to which I was elected.”
This ia absolutely crazy, but crazy to the fact that the legislator can go to sleep at night and leave the progress of this state in the hands of such wave making Napoleon
and his Messengers of Disgust.
Keep up the fight Lottie.
Actually, the situation is reversed; the state owes the workers something previously promised and the workers are the creditors. Try telling the bank me, my wife, my kids,my dog, my cat all got together and decided that paying the mortgage is too much a burden on us even though we owe the money, so we decided to reduce our mortgage rate from 8% to 5%,on by the way we will not be paying the bank anything for 12 more years, seems reasonable.
“What we have demanded ….. where the defendants had committed “legal” crimes, is that human beings be capable of telling right from wrong even when all they have to guide them is their own judgment, which, moreover, happens to be completely at odds with what they must regard as the unanimous opinion of all those around them.”