Louisiana Voice

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Disclaimer-Disclaimer-Disclaimer! It’s not Dave Barry and the following Christmas shopping suggestions are solely those of John Sachs and not Louisiana Voice.

John’s Christmas Shopping Tips

This is the first of what I anticipate becoming a multi-year Christmas shopping suggestion list intended to help men become Holiday Heroes. Women, you can stop reading now. If you continue, you have no one but yourselves to blame when no glorious surprises are awaiting you on Christmas morning.

Now, guys, let’s be candid here. I’m not married and don’t have a lady friend. I’ve never been successful at either enterprise. But that doesn’t for a moment dissuade me from considering myself totally qualified to offer you advice on how to Christmas shop for the woman in your life. There are plenty of folks blithely going about the world giving advice to others on topics with which they have no expertise. So why not me? And if I’m wrong…oh well. With that understood, let’s get started on specifics.

Ruston offers conveniently located, moderately priced, and skillfully managed stores to make your shopping joyful. Yeah, joyful. That’s a good seasonal word to describe what we want here. No need to leave the deer camp early as these places are accustomed to customers with deer entrails splattered on their camouflage overalls and deer scat on their boots. These folks really mean it when they say, “Come as you are.” There are plenty of sympathetic salesmen who speak your language, and they’ll understand your predicament—completely.

First gift idea. A vacuum cleaner. More specifically, a USED vacuum cleaner. The local vacuum cleaner store has a dandy selection. They can also offer you some great tips on describing the features of your purchase to “the li’l lady” recipient of your generosity. And believe me when I tell you, almost nothing impresses a lady more than a man who knows vacuum cleaners.

But don’t get snookered into actually using the darn thing. When she coyly suggests that you vacuum a few rooms to show her how to use it, just turn it on, hand it to her and say, “I don’t want to deprive you of a moment’s pleasure.” Then quickly walk away. Preferably out of earshot range so you won’t have to listen to her screams of what are surely delight with her present.

Second, a broom and dust pan set. Getting the broom with the matching, color coordinated, clip-on dust pan is a sure winner. And so considerate. I just hate it when I hear of women getting upset as they prepare to sweep up the dirt from his work boots that he just deposited on her freshly mopped floor. Often when that happens she is unable to speak through her clinched teeth, but I’m pretty certain it’s because she’s upset about the missing dustpan.

One more thing about brooms I want to share with you that is sure to win points. Get one cut on the bias. That means that the straws or bristles or whatever you call the things that actually move the dirt around aren’t straight. They are shorter on one end than the other. Let me help you out here. Those things are cut that way so that first, you can get dirt out of the corners easier, and second, so that when you put the broom in the closet it will stay behind the doorjamb and won’t fall out and hit her, or more importantly – you — on the head.

Again, to impress your lady fair, let her know you considered these points when selecting her broom set. Then point out some dirt in a corner and encourage her to clean it up. When it works just as you said it would, you’ll make bonus points. It may not by itself be a home run, but it’ll be a strong triple.

Okay, we’re down to the last of this year’s Big Three gift suggestions. A used bicycle. The folks at the local bike shop can fix you up from their selection, or they’ll put one you bought through Thrifty Nickel into top-notch shape. When choosing that perfect bike for the ladylove of your life, you’ll need to pay close attention to three things. Make certain it has wide, soft tires. If at all possible, get one with shock absorbers. Really. Bikes have shock absorbers on them nowadays. And most important of all, get the biggest seat that money can buy. If there is such a thing as a bicycle seat for two, buy it.

Again, prepare to be pampered once she receives this gift on Christmas morning. Point out to her all of the comfort features that you made certain to incorporate into the bike. Point out the smooth ride the big tires will provide. Emphasize the value of “heavy duty” shock absorbers for her riding comfort. And then for the coup de gras, point out the oversized seat meant to accommodate (maybe even custom fit) her anatomy.

One word of caution. When she sits on the custom oversized seat and asks you if it makes her hips look fat—lie! Trust me, you’ll get an extra serving of Christmas dinner with this last point. However, failure to follow these instructions completely may result in your just being lucky to be alive to enjoy Christmas dinner. But not to worry. Go for it.

Well, there you have it. My first annual gift idea list for the hurried and harried man. No need to thank me. It’s my gift to y’all.