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Between speaking engagements in New York and New Jersey, something strange happened to one of the crown jewels in Gov. Bobby Jindal’s legislative.

The governor’s retirement bills are scheduled to be taken up for debate on the Senate floor on Wednesday and early indications are they are in trouble.

Jindal, flush from his education reform successes, couldn’t wait to dash off to an ill-advised keynote speaking engagement before the New York Republican state dinner. Next, he’s off to New Jersey next month to speak at the American Federation for Children’s national policy summit in Jersey City. More about that in due course.

In the interim, opposition, led by Cindy Rougeou, executive director of the Louisiana State Employees’ Retirement System (LASERS), has grown statewide to his sweeping state employee retirement reform package that not only slashes retirement benefits for state employees, but requires them to pay more and work longer to get them.

That’s right. Said another way, Piyush would require that state employees chip an additional 3 percent of their paychecks in order to qualify for fewer benefits—and to work longer to get them.

As if that were not bad enough, a Dallas law firm retained by Legislative Auditor Daryl Purpera said everything about the retirement bills stinks. The bills are illegal, said the report by Strasburger Law Firm, because they break contracts with state employees, something expressly forbidden by the U.S. and Louisiana constitutions.

Not to be outdone, the administration promptly retained an outfit named Buck Consultants at a contract cost of $400,000 to counter the Strasburger report. To date, the contents of the Buck report have not been released.

That appears to follow a pattern. It was only a year ago that another somewhat cheaper ($49,999.99) report was ordered by the administration from Chaffe and Associates of New Orleans. That report was supposed to support the administration’s efforts to privatize the Office of Group Benefits (OGB).

It practically took a triple dose of Ex-Lax for legislators to get the administration to (ahem) cough up a copy of the report.

Even while the Buck report was still pending, the administration began backtracking, amending, re-writing and tweaking its retirement bills.

Nothing like having your ducks in a row ahead of time. Another cliché, flying by the seat of your pants, comes to mind. So does FUBAR.

Probably one of the sleaziest tactics employed by Jindal (oh, where do you start when discussing the administration’s sleaze factor?) was his attempt to dump the entire $18.3 billion unfunded accrued liability (UAL) on LASERS. Of the four state retirement systems—state employees, teachers, school employees and state police—LASERS accounts for $6.3 billion of the total UAL. Yet, Jindal never opens his mouth about the remaining three retirement systems and his “reform” package does not include any of the other three. Only LASERS.

Said another way (the governor is not the only one who can wear out a phrase; we can play, too), John, Pete, Sam and Piyush each have bank loans. Sam owes $10,000; John $700, Pete $300 and Piyush owes $7,000. The bank decides to call in all the loans but instead of seeking a pro rata share from each debtor, it sends Piyush the bill for the entire $18,000.

Well, that certainly seems fair.

Such is life in the administration of Piyush Jindal. Up is down, left is right, in is out, and the playbook of the American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC) is sacrosanct.

So now, while his retirement bills appear to be headed toward a torturous death on the Senate floor, our globe-trotting governor prepares for yet another victorious appearance before a friendly audience.

Ever notice, by the way, that the guy absolutely, positively never appears anywhere where the crowd is not friendly—and controlled?

Ever notice that Piyush absotively, posilutely never puts himself in the position of having to answer tough, probing questions?

Give him an audience of ALEC members, LABI meetings, or chambers of commerce and you can’t shut him up (as witnessed by his performance last week in New York) but never will you catch him speaking to an audience of state employees or teachers. Prudent or cowardly? You decide.

So now Jindal is off to New Jersey where he will speak to the American Federation for Children, formerly called All Children Matter until it was fined $5.2 million in 2006 for funneling campaign money into Ohio through the organization’s various state networks. All Children Matter was also fined an unspecified amount for illegal political activity in Wisconsin.

The American Federation for Children, nee All Children Matter, is run by Betsy DeVos, former chairperson of the Michigan Republican Party. Her brother, Erik Prince, is the founder of Blackwater USA, the private security firm that made international headlines in 2007 when its guards killed Iraqi civilians and then attempted to bribe Iraqi officials to quell criticism of their actions.

Betsy DeVos and her husband, Dick DeVos, contributed $16,000 to Jindal’s first two gubernatorial campaigns in 2003 and 2007. Her husband owns Amway; Amway is a member of ALEC. The circle is now complete.

Betsy DeVos called Jindal one of the nation’s most committed education reformers. “The governor serves as an example of how strong leadership and a bipartisan approach can improve the lives of children, and we can’t wait to hear how he will inspire other governors across the country to stand up for children,” she gushed.

Perhaps he can serve as an inspiration of how not to reform state retirement.

“If these bills pass, We’ll be next.”

–Stacy Birdwell, secretary-treasurer of the Professional Firefighters of Louisiana during Monday’s Senate Retirement Committee hearing, explaining why he was testifying against Gov. Jindal’s retirement reform package even though firefighters aren’t affected in the current round of legislation.

“If they want to kick me off my committees, that’s okay with me. I’ll cut grass and edge around the Capitol in the morning but at 2 p.m. I’ll be in the House Chamber speaking out against and voting against these retirement bills that are detrimental to state employees.”

–State Rep. James Armes (D-Leesville), who is also a landscape contractor, speaking at a press conference on Monday at which Gov. Jindal’s retirement reform package was roundly criticized by several speakers.

Opponents of Gov. Bobby Jindal’s retirement legislative package won a token victory Monday when the Senate Retirement voted down Senate Bill 17 by Sen. Barrow Peacock (R-Bossier City) that could have resulted in changing state employees’ retirement from a defined benefit plan to a defined contribution.

The action, as was the delayed vote of committee chairman Sen. Elbert Guillory, was nothing more than bad theatre, however, as it was necessary to kill Peacock’s bill in order to keep Gov. Jindal’s retirement reform package on track.

In stage magic, the ploy is called misdirection.

The bill itself would not have mandated the conversion to a defined contribution plan but rather would have placed the matter on next November’s ballot as a constitutional amendment to allow the legislature to make the switch if it so desired.

That conflicted with Jindal’s package, as presented in bills supposed authored by Guillory but in reality drafted by the American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC) and which the administration contends is constitutional.

To vote a constitutional amendment out of committee would have been tantamount to what one witness described as passing a constitutional amendment on the premise that it serves as “backup” to another law that the administration believes may not stand up in court.

SB 17 was not part of the governor’s retirement reform package and was not an administration bill. The bills filed by Guillory in the Senate and House Retirement Committee Chairman Rep. Kevin Pearson (R-Slidell) accomplish statutorily what Peacock was attempting with his constitutional amendment.

Because the administration insists that its bills are constitutional, Peacock’s bill would have had the consequence of saying the constitution must be changed in order to switch from a defined benefit to defined contribution.

For those who might still look upon the vote as a victory for opponents of Jindal’s retirement reform, consider this:

On the surface, the voted appeared to amount to wasted investments by Jindal and ALEC who, together with Jindal, contributed $95,200 to three of the committee members who voted no.

Three of the “no” votes came from Chairman Elbert Guillory (D-Opelousas), Sen. Gerald Long (R-Natchitoches) and A.G. Crowe (R-Pearl River).

Guillory received $45,200 from corporate members of ALEC and another $7500 from Jindal. Jindal’s contributions were in increments of $2500 each from August to November of 2011.

Long received $33,000 from ALEC corporate members and another $2500 from Jindal, campaign records show, and Crowe received $4500 from ALEC corporate and $2500 from Jindal.

Neither of the three would dare go against such generous benefactors—especially a governor who has already shown his predisposition to allow no dissention from his troops. And there’s no way Guillory was going to risk his chairmanship with the memory of the fate of State Rep. Harold Ritchie still fresh in everyone’s mind.

Ritchie, sitting as a member of the House Ways and Means Committee, voted against legislation pushed by Jindal and was immediately stripped of his vice-chairmanship of another committee, the House Committee on Insurance.

His demotion came so lightning-fast that Insurance Committee Chairman Rep. Greg Cromer (R-Slidell) was not even informed of the action until after the fact.

It’s uncertain if Peacock’s bill was an inadvertent obstacle for Jindal or if it was intentional. Jindal had supported Peacock’s opponent, Jane Smith, with a $2,500 contribution in last fall’s elections

For added drama, however, Guillory was the deciding vote. Following a 3-3 vote and to provide sufficient drama to the moment, Guillory paused for several seconds before saying, “I’m going to vote no, so the bill is reported unfavorably.”

It looked for all the world as if Guillory was actually pondering all the pros and cons of Peacock’s bill when in fact, he’s just another bad actor in what has quickly become a very bad play that in spite of all the bad reviews, is going to run for 85 days.

Mary Patricia Ray, spokesperson for the Louisiana Federation of Teachers, apparently felt the committee members were sincere in considering Peacock’s bill. She testified that amending the State Constitution should not be a “backup” plan in case the governor’s bills did not stand up constitutionally.

“If the members of this committee are willing to amend the Constitution on the premise that it serves as ‘backup’ to another law that they believe may not stand up in court, I think we’ve really got to re-examine what it means to amend our constitution,” she said.

Whether she misread the committee’s true intent or not, she still got a strong point across when she said, “My teachers don’t have social security to fall back on. They aren’t private citizens. They chose to dedicate their lives to teaching the children of this state.

“What we’re discussing doing here amounts to the complete opposite philosophy that we’ve been hearing this whole session and that is we absolutely respect our teachers and public servants.”

She said the bills “say we don’t value them; we don’t care what happens to them and their families when they retire and that we’re willing to continue a destructive patter of tax exemptions and other measures and ask state employees to foot the bill.”

She was referring to five-year revenue losses of more than $22.5 billion from various tax exemptions granted by the state since Fiscal Year 2009. More than a third of that amount, $8.1 billion was in the form of corporate income tax and corporate franchise tax exemptions and tax incentive and exemption contracts.

The combined unfunded accrued liability of the four state retirement systems is less than $19 billion, or nearly $4 billion less than the total tax exemptions granted by the state.

Stacy Birdwell, secretary-treasurer of the Professional Firefighters of Louisiana testified that even though Jindal’s current retirement reform package does not affect firefighters, if Jindal’s retirement reform passes, “we’ll be next.”

“That rebuttal speech will be played over and over and over and over.”

–Loyola University in New Orleans associate political science professor Philip Dynia, commenting on what would likely happen if Gov. Bobby Jindal ran as Mitt Romney’s vice president and the prospects that Jindal’s Republican rebuttal to President Obama’s 2009 State of the Union Address would be resurrected from YouTube.

If someone wanted to write a textbook on how not to run for national office, the first two chapters should be about Bobby Jindal speeches.

It was bad enough when Piyush was chosen by the Republicans to give the rebuttal to President Obama’s State of the Union address in 2009 but he compounded the error when he served as the keynote speaker at last Thursday’s New York Republican state dinner.

He underwhelmed his audience.

Some observers said it appeared that Jindal was auditioning for Mitt Romney’s vice-presidential running mate.

Musing at prospects of Jindal’s being selected to run with Romney, perhaps Philip Dynia, associate political science professor at Loyola University in New Orleans, said it best: “He would be Mitt Romney’s Sarah Palin.”

Dynia, however, wasn’t finished. “If he’s (Romney) going to shake his Etch-a-Sketch and Bobby Jindal comes up, something’s wrong there.”

Perhaps the New York Republicans would have been better advised to have retained Dynia as their speaker.

When you do a Bobby Jindal search on YouTube, that 2009 State-of-the-Union rebuttal is the first result to pop up.

At the time, even Fox News anchor Brit Hume said with a straight face, “This was not Bobby Jindal’s greatest oratorical moment. The speech read a lot better than it sounded.”

If Romney picks Jindal, Dynia said, “That rebuttal speech will be played over and over and over and over.”

But why wait until then? Watch it here now:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/24/bobby-jindal-respone-to-o_n_169704.html

Perhaps, though, Dynia is less than objective. He did, after all, contribute $15 to the 2012 Obama campaign and $205 to his 2008 campaign, as some unidentified Jindal spokesman sniffed.

But back to last week’s speech.

Good Lord.

It was bad enough that he opened with one of the lamest jokes out there, one that Henny Youngman would have rejected on his worst day: “My father walked to school. Uphill. Both ways.”

Rim shot. “Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Be sure to tip your wait staff.”

Cue the crickets.

Governor, they said tell a joke, not be a joke.

He should have done his homework. The last time a Louisiana governor told a joke in New York, it met with similar silence.

It was nearly four decades ago, in 1973 and Long Island’s Newsday described Gov. Edwin Edwards in his “electric blue tuxedo” telling a joke that was both racist and sexist.

“There were 12 Polish men,” Edwards said, “who assaulted a German woman. She screamed, ‘Nein, nein!’ and three of the men left.”

Silence.

Jindal did attempt to score some political points—or to at least pay homage to campaign benefactor Aubrey McClendon.

McClendon’s Chesapeake Energy Corp. is the nation’s second largest producer of natural gas and he is fracking up the landscape in the Haynesville Shale field in northwest Louisiana with some 90 billion gallons of water used in the hydraulic fracturing procedure to extract the natural gas beneath the earth’s surface.

Chesapeake Energy also is one of the 300 or so corporate members of the American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC) which writes laws for friendly state legislators.

One of those laws is Senate Bill 436 by Sen. Gerald Long (R-Natchitoches), also a member of ALEC. SB 436 would make it easier for the Sabine River Authority to sell some 600,000 acre-feet of water per year to a group of investors who are generous Jindal supporters.

McClendon has personally contributed $4,800 to Jindal’s campaign and his company kicked an additional $16,000 for Piyush.

In all, Chesapeake has contributed $64,750 to various Louisiana candidates since 2008. Sixteen of those candidates, including Long, are members of ALEC.

So, it should have come as no surprise when Jindal brought up the subject of hydrofracking for natural gas in his address. The process, he said, has produced jobs and lowered energy costs in Louisiana. “This is clearly an effective technology,” he said.

Oh, it’s not as if Jindal didn’t try to whip the crowd into a frenzied state. He did. But try to imagine, if you will, Piyush trying to stir a crowd with his oratory.

We couldn’t either.

He reminds us of Ferris Bueller’s economics teacher Ben Stein—without the charisma.

“I really only have two complaints about this president,” Jindal thundered, arms waving in a manner more reminiscent of C3P0 than a fiery Louisiana politician. “Number one is that he is the most liberal ideological president since President Jimmy Carter to occupy the White House. My second complaint about this president is that is the most incompetent president to occupy the White House since President Jimmy Carter.”

[This would be where they would normally cue the audience applause.]

Jindal then launched into a lengthy explanation of the Louisiana retirement systems’ unfunded accrued liability as if anyone in New York knew—or cared—what he was talking about.

But talk he did.

For 45 minutes.

It seems we may have found an alternative to water boarding.

How many different ways can you say, “Three things….,” “status quo,” “The fact of the matter is,” “The reality is,” or “bold agenda?”

No wonder private conversations broke out at the tables during his speech.

No wonder New York Senate Majority Leader Dean Skelos got applause when he said, “I’m going to speak a little shorter than the prior speaker.”

No wonder they cheered when Assembly Minority Leader Brian Kolb said, “My father gave me some great advice, too: be brief and be gone.”

Jindal even had trouble unloading his book Leadership and Crisis—for free.

His team placed copies of the book on the chairs throughout the Sheraton ballroom where he was speaking. Afterward, some in the audience joked about trying to give their copies away.

Take my book….please.

Henny Youngman lives.