Louisiana Voice

There can be no question now that the post-mortem has officially begun following LSU’s embarrassing 49-25 loss Saturday night in Death Valley – a game whose outcome wasn’t nearly as close as the 24-point differential indicated. Only a late “trash” touchdown by LSU kept it from being even worse.

The real mystery is how the Tigers actually held a four-point lead (18-14) at halftime before the Aggies shredded LSU’s defense the second half.

The Baton Rouge Advocate’s focus Sunday morning appeared to be on a potential $54 million buyout of Coach Brian Kelly’s contract,

It seems particularly absurd to be even thinking about spending $54 million to buy out a coaching contract in light of runaway inflation, unpaid federal workers, rising health insurance premiums and rampant rumors of an armed invasion of a sovereign nation (Venezuela).

But unfortunately, that is the mentality that dominates the thinking of rabid football fans: win or else, the costs be damned.

The first cracks began a few weeks ago when Kelly exploded at a legitimate question about LSU’s lethargic offensive attack. The mood has progressively worsened since then.

With deteriorating physical plant in the academic realm of LSU, as well as other universities in the state, it seems ludicrous to even think about devoting so much concern and finances to a game but that’s what has happened, not just at LSU, but nationwide.

So long as the public’s attention can be diverted to circuses, then the politicians are free to do just about anything they want – and that’s exactly what’s happening to us today.

Political commentary aside, consider for a moment the implications of placing so much emphasis on sports. Besides the $54 million that would necessitate a buyout of Kelly’s contract, remember that LSU has just gotten off the hook for a $17 MILLION BUYOUT of Ed Orgeron’s contract and all he did was go 15-0, win a national championship, produce LSU’s second Heisman Trophy winner and reap a few head coaching and assistant coaching awards.

To be fair, it’s not just LSU. The state’s flagship university is the only university in the state whose athletic department can lay claim to being totally self-sufficient. Well, it isn’t totally; there is something called the Tiger Athletic Foundation (TAF) that contributes a few bucks here and there.

But SCHOOLS LIKE ULL are forced to subsidize their athletic programs because they do not generate enough money to keep the lights on. That’s probably because they tend to play before packed houses of fans disguised as empty seats. Take my alma mater, Louisiana Tech. Even when Terry Bradshaw played there and a couple of years after he left, when they won the small college national championship, they never had a sellout in their new stadium that seated approximately 25,000. So, how did they address that? They expanded the stadium, to offer even more empty seats, of course.

Of course, Kelly can also point to a Heisman winner in Jayden Daniels but hey, that was two years ago and he still has not won a national title. And LSU did manage an overtime win over Alabama in Kelly’s first year but he hasn’t beaten the Tide since and this year’s upcoming game doesn’t hold much promise of doing so. To succeed at LSU, one must defeat ‘Bama.

If there is a bright side (to anyone but LSU, Kelly and his assistant coaches) it’s that there are those who have managed to keep their sense of humor about the whole mess, albeit a rather dark sense of humor.

This meme popped up this morning:

And then there were these other parodies from a publication calling itself The Sadvocate. Some of their stories are actually more clever than, or at least as clever as, those found in The Onion. There’s this one:

Scott Woodward Applies for Student Loan to Pay Kelly Buyout Because Technically Its an Expensive Lesson

BATON ROUGE, LA – LSU Athletic Director Scott Woodward has reportedly filed a federal student loan application to help cover Brian Kelly’s $50+ million buyout, arguing that the failed coaching experiment qualifies as “an expensive lesson.”

According to sources, Woodward listed his field of study as Sports Mismanagement with a Minor in Terrible Contracts. His FAFSA form reportedly included Kelly’s salary under “educational expenses,” next to “tutoring in bad decision-making.”

University officials say the loan was initially denied due to “insufficient academic progress,” but Woodward appealed, citing “lifelong learning through catastrophic contracts.” He has since been offered an income-based repayment plan which requires putting up Jay Johnson and Kim Mulkey as collateral.

Woodward defended the decision in a statement written to The Sadvocate saying, “We’re treating this as a teachable moment. If college students can go into debt for a psychology degree, I should be able to for this.”

Kelly praised the move, calling it “a very smart decision,” which experts agree automatically makes it the opposite.

This:

Brian Kelly Seen Exiting Tiger Stadium Late in 3rd Quarter “To Avoid the Rush”

BATON ROUGE, LA – LSU Head Coach Brian Kelly was reportedly spotted leaving Tiger Stadium late in the third quarter Saturday night, citing his desire to “beat the traffic and preserve his mental health.”

Witnesses said Kelly quietly slipped through the tunnel moments after the Tigers surrendered yet another third-down conversion, politely nodding to security before heading toward his SUV in Lot 101. “He looked calm,” one usher said. “Kind of like someone who knew the game was over but wanted to make sure he could still get out ahead of traffic.”

According to a team spokesperson, Kelly “remains fully committed to the program” and only left “to observe fan egress patterns for future efficiency studies.”

Traffic cameras later confirmed his vehicle merging onto I-10 East at 10:22 p.m., about two plays before the final whistle. When asked for comment, Kelly told a reporter from The Sadvocate via text message, “I’ll review the tape Monday. From home.”

And this:

LSU Raises Ticket Prices to Help Fans Feel Like They’re Suffering at an Elite Level

BATON ROUGE, LA – LSU officials announced Friday that football ticket and parking prices will rise for the 2026 season, citing the university’s ongoing commitment to “providing fans with the highest possible caliber of disappointment.”

The price hike, approved unanimously by the Board of Supervisors, will reportedly ensure that every moment of frustration inside Tiger Stadium continues to feel “authentically premium.” One administrator explained the move by saying, “It’s not just about watching football, it’s about experiencing heartache in high definition.”

Sources inside the athletic department say the increase will help fund “new and improved ways to lose winnable games,” including better lighting for fourth-quarter collapses and upgraded speakers so fans can clearly hear the postgame excuses.

Coach Brian Kelly voiced support for the decision, saying, “If we expect a championship level experience, we’ve got to charge championship level ticket pricing.”

Fans, meanwhile, expressed mixed reactions, with many admitting they’ll still pay because “misery just hits different in Death Valley.”

The university confirmed that ticket holders in the new “Platinum Loyalty Section” will also receive a commemorative “We’ll Get ‘Em Next Year” towel, perfect for wiping away tears or throwing during interceptions.